THE SYSTEM? WORKING!? no way....

This happened about a week before I flew back home to LA, but it was probably the best moment in my whole year of working for Hawaii Human Development Corporation. Yes...it's a nonprofit, and it has the word "corporation" in its name.

But that's besides the point.

So HHDC is the nonprofit that employs me to work with the kids out at the Hawaii Youth Correctional Facility, or HYCF. Up to that day a week ago it was an interesting job to say the least, and it gave me some insights on the issues that lower income Hawaii youth face. The rampant drug problems on multiple islands, namely Big Island and Maui, particularly in the way of weed and more seriously, ice (aka meth); the robberies, burglaries, car hijackings, battery, and sometimes the occasional sexual assault or murder. This job gave me the last push I needed to really decide that I want to go to law school. Yes, to tackle community issues, but most of all to help kids like this who were thought to "never stand a chance" in regular society. Because when they make those same mistakes after they turn 18, it's longer, harder, and more dangerous time in the adult prisons. Once they end up there, it's considered the end.

Only to be truthful, the job that I do -- teaching the kids job readiness when they're getting ready to reemerge into the real world -- is not that serious, and awfully short-sighted. Ideally, we would stay in close contact with the kids we work with to make sure that they're able to acquire and maintain a job that will help them start a living, and stay out of trouble. But really what happens is that we rush through the curriculum, make sure they know the basics, and eject them from HHDC altogether. Well, not really "eject." But really, we lose touch. And so I decided this whole prison system thing, it doesn't really work. It's just BS.

Anyway. I work mostly with boys of high school age. I have also worked with the girls, mostly because my supervisor, a male, doesn't feel comfortable working closely with some of the female residents so I take care of all of them. I hear stories here and there about these kids' lives, how they ended up there, how things are, etc. etc. But I didnt realize til a week ago how little we really knew some of them.

To get to the point, I happened to have to drive out to the prison on my own one day, without my supervisor because he was occupied with other work. So I met with a new client, a 17 year old boy who is expecting to be released in February. I don't know why or how, but we got along wonderfully.

And because we did, somehow he felt it was safe to talk to me about what he had been through in not just prison, but his life before being in the facility. He was a repeat offender - many of the kids are - meaning that he's been in and out of the facility for the past 3-5 years or so. Yes, he started early.

Now, we always try to create a safe space for the kids, to make them see that we are really on their side, but for some reason or another I've never had this kind of a connection or conversation with any other boy or girl.

This boy had come across a lot of different epiphanies and revelations about his life, and how he was determined, but nervous, to be out and on his own. It's the anticipation of gaining freedom, but with it comes the realization that he could make another mistake, and it'd be over. Off to adult prison and never heard from again.

He was motivated, having survived the experience of youth prison, to stay goal oriented and not "do anything stupid." (His words, not mine) He was regretful of his actions but at the same time, so incredibly grateful for having been given a second chance. The youth facility was his second chance.

But the biggest question I had for him was: did the system work? Do you think the youth prison system works to help kids change their lives around? Because so many others had failed and are either making those same mistakes now, or are already doing time for it as adults.

What he told me might sound cliched to some, but coming from someone his age, it was profound.

Every kid has the choice to turn his life around, and time in the youth facility gives him that chance. It's like a hotel resort compared to adult prison. It's all about whether he takes responsibility for his actions, and if he does, that's it, it's easy to make decisions from there to start over and stop that kind of life. Everybody has that chance.

He had tried talking some sense into his peers, but to no avail. I told him it's because they haven't come as far as he had, thinking about his actions and his experiences and finding a way to turn it around into something positive for himself.

Anyhow. It's difficult to relay here in words but I was blown away.

There's no way for me to understand any of what he went through, but it just made me want to be a part of the whole thing - this kind of work. But of course, on another, more involved, level. I shared with him my ambitions toward lawyer-dom, and he said, I hope that you continue to help kids like me.

After that talk, that was it, that was enough! Planet Law, here I come.

As for the system, I still don't think it "works," but folks like him make the rest of us think there's a chance to change things for the better.

Late night rantings

It's almost 2 am and I should be sleeping because I have to get up for some early last-minute holiday shopping but...it's been a while and I think this has been in the works (in my head) for a while.

Lots of talk about Avatar and how great the movie is, mostly for its graphics and so on and so forth. But then with every so-called "great" movie comes the blogger articles about how really "racially" or "socially" groundbreaking certain plots or stories are in the media and Hollywood today. And of course, fancying myself a Progressive activist (although I'm in a sort of hibernation at the moment), I am subscribed to many of these blogs and read many of these articles or are linked by other friends.

Lately I've felt like reading those articles can be a great thing, sure -- it provides a radical perspective on the type of movie white people and the ignorants or otherwise unassuming public would take at face value and love -- but where do we draw the line when it starts to shade everything in such a negative light?

I've heard recently and all throughout the past few years, complaints about folks who enter the Progressive sphere, whether through undergrad, grad, the nonprofit sector, or whatever other outlets there are, and end up jaded and, let's face it, no longer fun to hang out with. I've experienced this once or twice with folks I don't care to name, and with the new assault of articles about why society STILL sucks, I kind of wonder when being a "progressive" just means you hate life. And white people.

Other movies that fall into this Avatar category, just to name a few, are District 9, the Blind Side, the Last Samurai, and essentially any other movie where a leading protagonist (white, of course) is involved somehow in protecting people of color and ending up the hero. The white guilt movies. Okay, I get it. And I totally agree that movies these days are really not all that great in challenging racial stereotypes or making any sort of huge statement about how much colonization sucks. Like, stop starring the white people already, we don't need them to save us. Even Disney's The Princess and the Frog is called totally wrong for it's altogether stereotypical portrayal of the black community. But frankly, all that is tiresome. Calling out every single movie or what have you on it's non-progressiveness just gets to be too much already. As if Progressivism is now all about shooting down every single thing that becomes popular and calling it out because from a social justice standpoint it totally blows. (Except, to be real, I really loved the Last Samurai. I didn't think it was all about Tom Cruise's character at all. So I disagree with criticisms regarding that movie, probably because I can appreciate the Japanese history that served as the inspiration for that story.)

And yet, of course I don't believe in "taking things are they are" either. It pisses me off when people say "it was just a movie, have fun with it," or "it's no big deal, calm down." It all still is what it is - a movie that status quo critics would call "amazing" and "poignant" because it's about race relation or gender or sexuality issues that we've all known about for years already. So can't there be some balance between the two?

How do we think about these things constructively? In a way where it feels like something can be done about it, or there's some effective way to make a change?

And yep, I completely and absolutely understand that the dialoguing and the discourse can be the first step. Putting it out there for folks the reasons why this or that thing is not correct or as politically earth shattering as some might think is a great thing to do. I'm just talking about when your interactions with these outlets - whether via internet, publications, or interpersonal relations - meld into one giant ball of pessimism about the world. And of course there are groups and great people taking steps to do the kind of work that may one day change the face of Hollywood when it comes to this type of thing. Or maybe not.

But the point is, how do we keep thinking about things and carrying out actions in a way that will help us fix the problem? Find a solution?

I of course don't have an answer to that yet, but I'm determined not to fall into this trap of becoming "jaded." Because thinking about it now, when folks call themselves "jaded," it's almost this lame excuse to then proceed to complain about every aspect of society that sucks. Complain, and then do jack shit about it. Ya dig?

Anyway. Glad my peers and the folks I hang out with aren't like this (so don't think it's about you because it isn't) but I think it's something to think about and consider. I think I went through a quick little "oh I'm so jaded and I hate being Progressive" whine session, a few posts ago, but snap back to reality and that's just what it is. A trap and an excuse.

A real thoughtful post was way overdue anyway, but I think I just had to let the right emotion build up before churning out anything useful. Ahh. Sleeptime foreal. So on a happier note:

Happy Holidays to the world!

From our President

I'm on the mailing list...and here's the nice email that was sent out for Thanksgiving.

Friend --

Tomorrow, Thanksgiving Day, Americans across the country will sit down together, count our blessings, and give thanks for our families and our loved ones.

American families reflect the diversity of this great nation. No two are exactly alike, but there is a common thread they each share.

Our families are bound together through times of joy and times of grief. They shape us, support us, instill the values that guide us as individuals, and make possible all that we achieve.

So tomorrow, I'll be giving thanks for my family -- for all the wisdom, support, and love they have brought into my life.

But tomorrow is also a day to remember those who cannot sit down to break bread with those they love.

The soldier overseas holding down a lonely post and missing his kids. The sailor who left her home to serve a higher calling. The folks who must spend tomorrow apart from their families to work a second job, so they can keep food on the table or send a child to school.

We are grateful beyond words for the service and hard work of so many Americans who make our country great through their sacrifice. And this year, we know that far too many face a daily struggle that puts the comfort and security we all deserve painfully out of reach.

So when we gather tomorrow, let us also use the occasion to renew our commitment to building a more peaceful and prosperous future that every American family can enjoy.

It seems like a lifetime ago that a crowd met on a frigid February morning in Springfield, Illinois to set out on an improbable course to change our nation.

In the years since, Michelle and I have been blessed with the support and friendship of the millions of Americans who have come together to form this ongoing movement for change.

You have been there through victories and setbacks. You have given of yourselves beyond measure. You have enabled all that we have accomplished -- and you have had the courage to dream yet bigger dreams for what we can still achieve.

So in this season of thanks giving, I want to take a moment to express my gratitude to you, and my anticipation of the brighter future we are creating together.

With warmest wishes for a happy holiday season from my family to yours,

President Barack Obama


Kind of nice, don't you think?

Home Sweet Home

Happy Thanksgiving!

Made it to LA on Saturday, and it's been great so far. Just nice to be home and relaxing and comfortable after such a crazy month on the island.

Always thinking about how it's going to be to move back home, of course, but I just know I'll be totally ready for it come March. Without a doubt Hawai'i will be missed, but I'll be ready for that next chapter of that thing we call life.

Just planning on spending quality time with Mom, Dad, sis and the cat, and I'm excited. Also going to get to see Aya and hopefully at least a few buddies! That'll be nice too. One whole week! Yay for LA.

Life is so good that I get scared. Like, I remember Charlotte saying on one episode of Sex and the City...something to the effect of, "I'm afraid of being so happy because it just feels like nobody's ever this happy for long...and soon it'll all be taken away." When things are so good, who's to say it can go nowhere else but down? I know, it's awful negative. I just really love things right now, and I want it to so bad to be this way forever.

And then I hear stories of people, those people that your friends know: like the friends of friends. The ones that aren't happy because "life didn't turn out" the way they had planned, or wanted, or thought it would. My life always has been, in the big picture, near perfect up to this point. It's been everything I've wanted because somehow or other, I or someone or something made it happen. I've been privileged enough to have things that way so far.

Just trying to stop being so afraid...and going to just enjoy it all. While I can, you know?

Looking forward to a great, gluttonous Thanksgiving with family this weekend. No hosting! We get it all to ourselves this year.

Hope you all have an awesome weekend too.

Getting ready

So many things going on in the world, I feel like I can barely keep up with current events, when I can barely keep up with my own personal commitments as it is.

In that sense, thank goodness for the technology takeover making news and resources more readily accessible. Lots of talk about the new healthcare reform bill that passed the House, and I've been reading a bit about it via NAPAWF, friends' blogs, and Race Wire.

Leave it to Dennis Kucinich though, to tell it like it is!! There may be lots to celebrate with this one gain, but clearly it's not the be-all-end-all. Glad that there will be people to say this bill is not perfect -- there's a ton of work still to be done. Kucinich voted "No" - as long as healthcare stays private, it's not really going to be for the people.

Still, def happy about this first victory with this bill. I think it could do a lot of great things for our people - especially young people!

Lots of talk lately, locally, about the state of Hawaii's economy, and all of this furlough business going on. Didn't think it would, but it's definitely affecting state workers now, social workers out at the correctional facility included. It's really rough, and what can be done? I think to a lot of folks furloughs are doing more harm than good...but this state's economy and the mayor are most definitely between a rock and a hard place, to say the least. Even a hotel or two has had to close it's doors to tourists. I guess we all can only wait and see what happens next...and meanwhile make the most of the rough situation. The prison has kind of been in a mess, on the admin level too. It hasn't really affected us directly yet, but it's unsettling to hear that folks out there are having such a hard time.

Sometimes I can't believe we live in these times. Like things are so bad it gets surreal.

On a more personal note, just barely got through the weekend. In between a bad cold, and easily 10-12 hour days nearly everyday with taiko, I thought I was going to die, really. Taiko as a 7 day commitment just doesn't fly with me. I'm hoping it'll really settle after this Saturday, when we have the "percussive dance" project, aka bharatanatyam but not really because we're not very good.

Symmetrical SS went well on Friday, but there was def some internal group drama. Made me just one step closer to being ready to go home. Maybe I'm searching, but maybe I'm really that ready. Little by little I realize I can't stay here forever. Anyway, just feeling accomplished having gotten through the crazy week, and trying to stay alive for 7 more days.

To stay sane, I've just had to rely on hogging whatever sleep hours I could manage and immerse myself in good music.

Raiatea and 2PM will do it for me.

SEXY!!

From the Brain

I've been holding onto this a while, but I found this a few weeks ago in a NY Times article called "Held by the Taliban" by David Rohde. It was all about his experiences as a hostage in Afghanistan, and this excerpt particularly stood out to me:

One evening, Abu Tayyeb declared that the Taliban treated women better than Americans did. He said women in the U.S. were forced to wear revealing clothes and define themselves solely as sex objects. The Taliban protected women's honor by not allowing them to appear in public with their faces unveiled.

My captors saw me - and seemingly all Westerners - as morally corrupt and fixated on pursuing the pleasures of this world. Americans invaded Afghanistan to enrich themselves, they argued, not to help Afghans.

In some ways, it just totally works, this point of view. Objectified women in the West, and the self-interested country that is America. Anyway, I just had to share it.

I feel like I've been too mentally and physically tired out to really put down here everything I would really like to, because taiko is eating me alive. I keep telling myself, "Just a few more weeks!" but then it feels like I had been telling myself that since a few MONTHS ago. Hopefully it'll all come to an end soon, you know?

On the upside though, I can play Symmetrical Soundscapes now!! For those that don't know, it's a pretty challenging piece that Sensei wrote, and I'm just glad I can play the 4 person version. Performance of it is this Friday. [end brag session]

Most of all I'm looking forward to home time for Thanksgiving. Being home will be such great recuperating time.

Andy was gone for the past week, and I have never been so stressed out having to drive around the island to work with these kids. It wasn't even the work itself that stressed me out, I think it was the driving! But by the end of the week I think I had done it so much that I kinda just got used to it. Driving a Tacoma is not = driving Corolla like back home. Driving such a big car can be scary to maneuver, partic bc the bed of the truck is hard to judge...but luckily it all worked out! Thank God. (or you know, whoever)

Spent my Halloween weekend CHILLIN, no costume or festivities this year because I'm really that worn out. Did see Paranormal Activity though, and I must say, that movie is the SHIT!!!! Would definitely recommend it to anyone who's game. Absolutely in my top 5 fave Horror movies...and maybe even in my top 3!

Finally got to have a nice, long chat with my sis over the phone, I'd missed her and my family.

So another week of ridiculous taiko, 7 days this week as is now the usual (for the past 3-4 weeks), and I am trying my best to just hang in there!! I tell people to do it all the time, and I guess it would be good to try and take my own advice.

Hisashiburi!

Holy geez, it's been forever since I posted last.

I had a lot of great ideas but things have kind of exploded here and I've been so suddenly busy that time has just flown by and I barely realized it.

I wanted to blog about growing up labeled HG, about working in the prisons, about my future in nonprofit and law, but I'm going to procrastinate on that all since I feel exhausted now and just want to post something as an update.

Lots has happened in the past almost-month. Taiko is super duper busy now, we're prepping for a couple of big things in November, and on the 14th we're doing this slew of new taiko projects, including a collaboration with Bharata Natyam. It's my favorite kind of classical Indian dance - except we actually have to DANCE it. Somehow I, unlike other taiko members, got sucked into doing it with 2-3 other girls, except I SUCK real bad and can't even follow during class. It's really discouraging but they won't let me quit! I'm really good at playing the drum part, but they're seriously making me dance and it's super frustrating. This rarely happens, but this is one of those things that I REALLY don't want to do...only I'm stuck and it sucks balls foreal.

I'd like to give a big Fuck You to this situation - to not being able to do it and just being tired. (I still love Bharata though)

Also my back is all messed up so I was kind of in a foul mood, not wanting to be at the practice tonight.

Felt like such a waste of time.

Aside from being a Debbie Downer about that one....

work has been good, Kelsey's time here was amazing and such a blast as always, I've been getting better at fue, taiko gigs have been going well, and I've been seeing someone new.

Life is good, really, I can't complain.

Melissa came to visit me, and it was great, it was so nice to see her after a whole year, and she got me thinking all about Law School, and rejuvenated my Progressivism. (sorry about the cin gum, melissa, I still feel bad about that)

All that's left to do is await the impending dilemma - Progressive politics, or financial security?

I think I'll be good, all the way up until it's time to graduate and really find a job. Public Interest would satisfy my integrity, my need to fulfill my personal political and social responsibilities, to work in social justice and be happy that way. But the pay is absolutely unreal, and after living out here on my own, I know firsthand the difficulties that come with long hours and low pay. It's really frustrating sometimes, especially when you can't afford the things you NEED in life, much less the little luxuries that help relieve everyday stress. It might seem superficial, but real talk, it's not. This a serious life consideration for me.

A private law firm would address that money problem, paying nearly twice as much in salary, but I would have to sellout in some way and to some degree at least...and honestly right now I don't know which would make me happier (or sadder). It's like this lose-lose situation I'll have to face sometime soon.

I'm excited to start the process, but like I told Mom, I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I get there. Maybe more in a later post, too.

Feeling like I'm becoming more attached to the island - picking up the speak, loving the people, appreciating the land - but I still have this unbreakable connection to home and dedication to my career plans, so little by little I guess I'm accepting that my time here will have to come to an end. i.e. I'll be ready in March to be back in LA.

We'll see where everything is in 5 and a half months or so.