Revo-FU-tion

Been a long time.

2011-11-08T10:01:00.003-08:00

Chew on this.

Created by: Public Administration

change.org

2011-08-05T11:36:00.000-07:00

This website does a lot of petitions - in fact the whole site is all about petition creating, signing, and publicizing - but other than spreading awareness, are there any concrete outcomes from them?

I don't really see or hear about a lot of these petitions resulting in goals or objectives really being met, particularly when they are on larger scope issues like the death penalty in California or anything related to Congress and international matters. I'm sure they help for more of the local issues, but am unsure about the others.

I suppose it is useful for giving people a sense of accomplishment - simply by clicking the "SIGN" button, they feel like they did something, took some sort of action, and could even pass it on to others if they really wanted to be proactive.

This is fine, but I just don't know how useful some of it is. Is it just a waste of time and resources for this website to dedicate whatever time or efforts to those broader scope issue petitions?

Not even really think there's an answer - only change.org would know. Meanwhile I do feel fine "signing" these. If it does happen to make a difference then yay for that.

Just because I found this.

2011-08-05T09:31:00.003-07:00

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Tickets would be cool.

Real update later, though I have no idea when. Too much stuff going on!

Here Goes!!

2011-06-23T15:32:00.000-07:00

Big taiko weekend coming up! There's definitely a lot going on, and there has been a lot going on the past couple of weeks, it feels like, and it all culminates in the next few days!!

I have to admit, I was stressing for a while about everything and was losing sight of and my grasp on the joy in everything that's been happening. Instead of enjoying and learning I was just stressing. That can get paralyzingly frustrating. But I've actually been able to gain some perspective and especially for taiko have found a new energy and excitement for all of it. As a newbie this time around, this'll be my first (but really second) Rhythmic Relations concert, and I'll actually get some playing parts, which is more than I was able to say years ago when I did my very first. I'm really excited to feel like a real team with everyone onstage and hopefully it'll show, you know? I've been working hard and thinking hard and feeling hard the past month or so, and I think at this point I am ready to just enjoy myself because I deserve it.

Not to mention some fun trips will be coming up after this weekend, so it'll definitely be exciting even after coming down from all of that. Time sure is flying by, and there will be a lot more to have to do, but if I can enjoy it, improve in TP and be a good teammate and taiko player, get all of my shit down with apps, continue to be diligent and productive at work, and be a good friend and partner, then life is beautiful.

Here's to having fun and dropping all negativity and drama for the next few weeks...and hopefully for the next whole month at least!!!! Wheeeee!

How does Jon Stewart do it?

2011-05-27T13:12:00.000-07:00

This post has been a while in the making, mostly due to a lack of time and an abundance of laziness. So there was that amazing video of Jon Stewart's latest appearance on Bill O'Reilly, discussing Common's most recent visit (by invitation) to the White House. Despite O'Reilly's emotional and clearly racist language about what kind of a statement the President made by inviting Common to the White House, Jon Stewart kept his calm, even cracked a few cool jokes here and there, and made his point wonderfully, beautifully, and so concisely. We should all aspire to be this way, because by the end of the video, it's apparent O'Reilly and Stewart share this great bond of mutual respect - Stewart towards O'Reilly because he believes in being able to communicate with folks who disagree, and O'Reilly because, hell, it's apparent he got owned. It was kind of beautiful to see, and it made me happy, to think that this was possible.

But then, I started to think of other things. Like how that conversation-slash-debate would have gone if Jon Stewart were a woman. Or black. Or Asian American. Or a black woman. Given the same skillsets and ability to speak clearly and articulately deliver well-laid out, logical arguments, along with the knack for humor, would O'Reilly have received his guest the same way?

My answer to that is no. I don't think that O'Reilly would have given Stewart the same kind of reception, respect, and acknowledgment if Stewart were a different race, gender, or sexual orientation. The fact of the matter is, Jon Stewart is a heterosexual, white male, and in O'Reilly's mind as I see it, that puts Stewart on the same level in nearly every respect. There probably would not have even been a second appearance by Stewart in the first place, if all of these things were different.

But maybe that's not giving O'Reilly enough credit? We can't really know it, and maybe he would have treated Stewart the same regardless of those categorizations, and really just respected Stewart for his personality, charisma, and legit abilities.

My thoughts then turned to Jon Stewart himself. He is able to deliver his arguments so rationally, calmly -- without a hint of superfluous emotion that might be seen in others in the same situation; namely, anger, defensiveness, showing signs of becoming indignant, offended, flustered, and so on. And yes, he is a white male. Is there a possibility that THAT gives him the ability to be so rational and perhaps, logical but emotionally disconnected, from these arguments? As a liberal himself, sure, he understands and agrees with all these political and social issues at hand, but I would venture to say because there is a lack of personal connection, he is able to keep seeing things clearly without letting emotion get in the way.

I know that at this point now I'm just giving Stewart's race and gender too much credit. But to me, it's a possibility. The reason a lot of people of color, myself included, become so emotional when having these kinds of political and ideological debates, are that we simply cannot believe there are people out there who would think of US this way. A lot of these racist, sexist, classist, and heteronormative attitudes are about US. It is personal.

Not to say that duplicating a Jon Stewart of color and different sexual orientation, class, and sex is impossible. But maybe, JUST MAYBE, historical and ancestral connections just incline us to become personally offended in debates and situations like ones O'Reilly would (and does) put us in.

Then I also read this ColorLines article today, on one blogger's response to a person's ignorant thoughts about the DBSK sexual assault case. To sum up, this person simply stated disagreement and walked away, but did document the "I wish I had..." answer. Sometimes there are too many conversations we aren't ready to have, and as a result we don't convey the message we should have. The emotional reaction to the offending conversation just makes us shut down and stop functioning and speaking rationally. It's such a hard thing to control and curb.

In any case, the Stewart-O'Reilly video is a MUST SEE. Despite considerations about experiences by lens (race, class, etc), we should still aspire to do what Jon Stewart did. At least, to some extent, and in some situations. It's a pick and choose your battles type of thing, but there is an unquestionable achievement to having some sort of mutual understanding, and an attitude of mutual respect with someone you politically diverge with.

Frustration and Carrying On

2011-05-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

Been feeling frustrated with a lot of things lately, and although it's been hard to reconcile, I'm trying my best to keep it going.

When do you know when to quit? Is there something that tells you? Is it just when you've had enough?

Frustration has kind of been the word of the day lately, from family drama, to work, to daily struggles. I just don't know how much more I can take. Quitting is always easier, but nobody wants to be a quitter.

If I could just drop things easily, I would...but who knows. Maybe my penchant for obligation (amongst other things) will pay off! But then again, it just as well may not. In that case it becomes one of those, "if this were your last day on Earth" kinds of things. I think if I got rid of some of those loads I'd be much happier, but I guess there's a pleasure in getting through the hard stuff and hoping if you do it long enough, it'll get easier.

On the flipside, there are every day things that have been getting easier. Like work (it's both good and bad), taiko (I enjoy it a lot more now and it feels good again), new pet (yay).

Maybe it's just time to phase out the negative and keep the good, at least for now. Only time will tell if it's time to throw in the towel. For now, I throw up my hands and call it a day.

Japan Relief

2011-03-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

Check it out, because it's important: the U.S.-Japan Council Earthquake Relief Fund.

Also, a network for more information on other organizations with similar or other relief efforts going on currently.

Another important website for relief (a larger network): InterAction.org

No shortage of opportunities to help out. The constant inflow of news about Fukushima's nuclear situation is frightening. Hoping for the best possible outcome for everyone.

Picture from http://flyergoodness.blogspot.com/2011/03/more-striking-japan-relief-posters.html

History in the Making

2011-03-04T12:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday had a long but productive work day. The Japan Business Association of Southern California celebrated its 50th year at a largely successful Symposium and Gala Dinner last night. It was a celebration and gathering of folks from the Japanese American and Japanese business, government, nonprofit, and education sectors, and something I actually found myself feeling lucky to be a part of. It was for work, yes, that I had to attend and even help out as a runner, and perhaps at times the day of US-Japan alliance themes seemed a bit propaganda-ish, but all in all, I think it is pertinent to the overall thought that this is a time of great change and at the same time serious turmoil.

The Symposium panel of the day explored the theme of Japan and whether it will ever reemerge. The sentiment in mainstream U.S. media is that Japan is a declining, aging country with a passion-less, complacent youth generation that will soon take over and is currently burdened by a failing national group of leaders. The country is too insular, they write, and its economy is in the worst shape it's been in since the late 80s/early 90s. All of this, written in favor of China, the rising, ever-growing Asian country presumably with the most potential. But the panel opened my eyes, further, to the profound and significant effect of the media on an entire country's perspectives on not just local or national, but global, issues. Japan isn't so terribly off, it's just going through a rough time and needs to go through some deep cultural, social and political changes before it can reclaim it's previous place on the global stage. After all, it STILL is the 3rd largest economy in the world even if it did move there because of China. It is still largely functional and holds some significant trump cards in areas like clean energy technology, car making, some areas of business, and cultural influences. But most people here in the U.S. don't know any of that. It made me realize that, perhaps, there are so many ways that organizations like the one I work for, the U.S.-Japan Council, can take a prominent role, and change and better those views by gaining a stronger and more visible voice on issues like these.

Not to oversimplify too much -- the people and political motivations behind initiatives like these are definitely worth taking a look at -- but it is also important to note and maintain a keen sense of awareness of situations like these, so as to hold the right people accountable for what should really be happening here.

Okay. So zoom in to the United States, to California, to Los Angeles (or in this case, Orange County).

The media is feeding us crazy things these days, and there seems to be so much hate, ignorance, and bigotry running rampant. It's almost as if we've gone back into time, back to the 40s, 50s, and 60s, only with different targets of discrimination.

Let's take a look at some of these headlines and news-makers, shall we?

The black anti-abortion movement grows

Anti-Muslim protesters in Orange County

UCSD battles another racist incident

Texas group offers scholarships exclusively for white males

Fox rails against Seattle cops for "socialist social justice" policies

Who's behind the anti-Sharia law crusade? A white supremacist

And that, my friends, is everything I found just today, off of only 2 sources: Angry Asian Man and Colorlines.

Seriously, it makes you wonder what the hell is happening right now. Sure, our political pendulum swings left and right every so often, but this is just getting out of hand. It's like the entire clock broke and the pendulum got stuck on the entirely wrong side of the the spectrum.

You can add those to the global scale - namely, Libya, Haiti, and China - and you've got yourself some possible steps to a whole new social and political revolution.

If you ask me, I think we can use one right about now. Progressives need to step up their game - and need to learn to play the game. The right way (pun intended).

But then let's stop and think for a second. Why are these people even receiving so much media attention? Granted, Colorlines is a Progressive online publication dedicated to raising awareness about these ongoings, but the fact that the the larger media gives these bigoted, ignorant people so much attention helps spread the hatred. It may not be the biggest problem perpetuating these myths, but it certainly is a large contributor.

How much? is maybe a good question. Or what kind of effect exactly does the spread of these kinds of stories about hate, including through outlets like Fox News, have on larger society's perceptions about these people and political issues? Is this making it worse?

Maybe all of this is moot. Instead, perhaps we should be thinking about holding ourselves accountable for the kinds of reactions we have to these stories. Are Progressives acting on these stories and issues the way they should? As a group, are we being effective in pursuing these people and communicating with the right ones to figure out an effective solution?

If these "crazies" really represent a small group, a minority, of Conservatives, who should we be working with to make sure they stop doing this kind of damage?

There are so many questions, a lot of which I do not have answers to right now. All I know is that we hear these stories every day, and the fact that this is still happening means there is something we're not doing. Plenty of organizations out there are doing great work, but maybe there needs to be redefining of Progressive and Liberal work altogether. The communication between groups that should be working against these Tea Party-type fringe right-wing groups has been broken for too long. There need to be steps taken to fix this. Easier said than done, of course, but it all needs to start somewhere.

Who will do it and where is perhaps the biggest question of all. On so many levels, there is a great potential for profound, long-lasting positive change. For Japan, the US, for Los Angeles, for us.

As a close to this incredibly loaded post, this is a must-read for anyone interested in any of these questions:

Untellable Truths by George Lakoff.

So many great points, so little time.

Reflecting.

2011-02-16T12:01:00.000-08:00

Had a nice weekend and a very pleasant Valentine's Day.

I seriously need an attitude adjustment. Too much ego, too much thinking, too much analysis about my life. Too much mind. Like in the Last Samurai, which I revisited last night, I need to take more of a "no mind" approach to everything. And work harder.

Moving back to LA was a wake up call from the pleasant nature of Hawai'i life. I'm not mourning the end of my time there anymore, and I still struggle to fully appreciate everything I have here.

Because let's face it, I'm lucky to have everything. I'm lucky to have a good steady job to provide for me until my law school endeavors; I've found an amazing taiko space that will be great with the right amount of effort and personal investment, and even faith; I'm back with my family like I wanted to be all along, and I'm living in a way I could have only dreamed of a year ago.

So I've decided, I can talk proactively, but I need to live it. And really, ACTUALLY do it. It'll take better scheduling, more effective time AND energy management, and all around more awareness of what I'm doing or not doing, but I need to just snap out of it and get it together.

Which I am going to do. Now.

On another note, read this great blog entry by Sahra, a former classmate and APC staffer. I respect her enormously, and it was great timing coming across this article, after just recently finishing Bell Hooks' work Feminism is for Everybody. Great book and so very inspiring to live out Progressivism at its best and truest. Sahra's entry was everything I had always thought but had not quite articulated.

Don't you love when that happens?

Plus, I happen to like Nicki Minaj.

Because this moment will go down in history

2011-02-11T13:26:00.001-08:00

The power of the people: see Egypt.

The hardest part, unfortunately, is that transition of power. Hopefully the people can continue to hold their leaders accountable in this process. Hoping for the best for them after such a profound victory.

Four wars the U.S. said would be an "easy" win:

2011-02-10T11:53:00.000-08:00

1) The Civil War, 1861-1865

2) The 1899 December Philippines takeover

3) The Vietnam War, 1962-1975

4) The Iraq War, 2003-2010

...and many more that I'm sure I've missed in history, and many more that will come unless there is a big systematic and leadership change in this country.

Which means...there will be more. I just don't get why this keeps happening.

Wow, really?

2011-02-09T15:08:00.002-08:00

Happy 2011! Already the year is looking up, but given the end of 2010, it wasn't that hard to feel like things were getting better.

Have had some rough spots regardless, but am trying to make the best of my job, of my volunteer situation with All of Us or None and New Way of Life's Reentry Clinic, and of taiko. Each part of my life is slowly, but surely, getting better.

On the work front, I'm just getting a little more comfortable with the job, and coming to terms with the fact that while I'm here, with this organization, I'm not going to have much clout or responsibility or say in what goes on from a mission and vision standpoint. It's definitely a change from everything else I've done - anything in the community, even my jobs in Honolulu gave me a freedom to take the work in any direction I pleased - but maybe a good change, or at least I'm trying to live it out that way. I think there's a value in getting to know the kinds of folks in this org - who they are, what they do, and maybe most importantly (and most interestingly), what drives them. What are their motivations? Why do they do what they do, and how did they get there? I have to say, working in a place that caters to privileged JAs and Japanese folks can bring a lot of insight about a lot of things. I once blogged that I would be dedicated to my own community...let's just say it didn't play out exactly how I'd planned, but I think I will come away with it having some valuable experience, and, yes, valuable contacts.

I've even picked up the book Imperial Cruise by James Bradley - a book I bought to give me more insight into the US-Japan relationship and foreign policy today. I thought maybe the history lesson would help me with the work and perhaps become more personally invested. I don't think it's quite doing that, but at the very least, it's a very enlightening read. Speaking of motivations and power, I get to read about Theodore Roosevelt and his Aryan-oriented reasons for carrying out conquests of first our lands, and after today's lunch reading session, the brutal capture of the Philippines. Seriously, our country is super fucked up, and the worst part is that a lot of the things they were doing back then aren't much different from what's happening now. We think times have gotten better - we would love to believe that, as some unfounded indication that we are an evolving, progressing people - but when I read the section on how waterboarding, other forms of torture, plus rape and massacres of the Filipino people were justified in much the same way some of these activities are today, it made me feel so frustrated with so many things. As the author quoted one "Medal of Honor recipient,"

I am afraid some people at home will lie awake nights worrying about the ethics of this war, thinking that our enemy is fighting for the right of self-government....They are, as a rule, an illiterate, semi-savage people, who are waging war, not against tyranny, but against Anglo-Saxon order and decency.

Tell me that doesn't sound like what some people actually believe today. Although it may be put in slightly different terms today, it really just sounds like something Fox News will broadcast to their believing viewers.

So sure, one plus about this job is that I found a great book. Other than that, I've accepted that the work here will be forever frustrating, in a lot of ways, and I just have to learn to suck it up and continue to be proactive about it all.

On the volunteer front, I love doing the monthly Reentry clinics (as a volunteer I help clients expunge their criminal records so that they can finally get jobs and stay out of the prison system for good) and All of Us or None meetings. The All of Us or None group is currently running its Ban the Box Campaign, which would get the targeted city or county to take off the "Have you been convicted of a felony?" check box and question off of job applications. There is so much stigma attached to folks with criminal backgrounds that they are often cast out of society and prevented from getting jobs, which, yes, means that they end up doing something to get them back into prison. To be real, it's the system's fault that recidivism is so high. The checkbox is an unnecessary barrier to getting folks fully integrated back into society, and with the success of the campaign, will come the success of so many people who are currently unable to start over with their lives because of the way the entire system is set up to begin with. Without a job and means to start over, what are they supposed to do?

Much to my dismay, I found out that the CDC (California Department of Corrections) has now become CDCR (California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation), which is total bullshit, because you know that the state is not going to do all it can to rehabilitate its prisoners. Nothing has actually changed, except maybe another reason to get cities and counties to deny the Ban the Box Campaign because "things are already being done." And anyway, if that were true - if the state was really going to truly work for prisoner reentry back into society, a bunch of corrections officers would be out of jobs. As one of THE most powerful labor unions in California, you know that ain't gonna happen.

There is so much to the prisons issue, and the hardest part is that even Progressives are split on anything "criminal" related. Even in cities like Compton and Inglewood, which are our starting target cities, we've learned how difficult it is going to be to pass something like this. Logically, of COURSE it makes so much sense to

1) hold employers accountable for their hiring practices (often background checks are not correct or incomplete, and so work against the applicant, but unknowing applicants do not challenge the flawed process because of lack of resources; employers also will toss an application if that box is checked, regardless of whether the conviction is related to or affects job performance) and

2) reduce recidivism by helping folks stay out of the system and become healthy contributors of society.

But of course, because of the stigma attached to this community, people are quick to turn them away and dismiss them as "vicious" or "criminal." It's probably one of the most messed up things I've heard of.

Even in Inglewood, an incumbent mayor was voted out this past election because of campaign smearing of a staffer who was helping him get re-elected - and yes, she had a past criminal record. But she had put that behind her and had become a contributing citizen. I mean, really?? To make it better, the camp that did the smearing was supported by someone who had been convicted of shady political dealings himself. Go figure.

But the biggest question for me, personally, is WHY am I in this work? There aren't many Asian Americans involved (the head attorney is Korean American and super awesome), but other than that, I don't really have experiential or personal connections to the work. I mean, sure, I worked with incarcerated youth in Honolulu and that's how my interest started, but I think it's hard to be taken seriously in the space when I'm simply a volunteer in a circle of organizers, formerly incarcerated community people, attorneys, and community members from Inglewood and Compton that are directly affected by the work. I don't have any of that. Yesterday the meeting was incredibly intense and I learned a lot, but I began to wonder if I'm in the wrong space.

Feeling like you're a triangle block trying to fit into a square hole is unsettling. Especially when that feeling applies at work AND volunteering.

To try and be positive though, I do get that progressive outlet I need. Perhaps with some more time I'll understand why I'm REALLY there.

I guess there was just a lot on my chest about all of that.

Taiko has been getting better, though I know it'll never be KETE and there isn't much more to say about that. It's just a matter of getting to know everyone on a more personal level, I guess.

So that's life! And I should really do this more often...because now I feel like I can breathe a little easier. Articulating what's been bottled up for a while is incredibly cathartic. Thus the emergence of blogging to begin with, I suppose.

I leave with this quote from Mark Twain (in the James Bradley book):

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

Edit:
Plus, on the prison piece, when shit like this goes down regularly, how can we all be okay with it!?

Coming up (possible future topics):

- White people and the Malcolm X Process
- How community and non-community people communicate (or don't)

**From now on, to provide things with a little more direction, I'm going to list out topics that have been swirling around in my head and that I've been meaning to post about, but haven't quite thought out enough yet.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

2010-12-25T00:25:00.001-08:00

Lots of thoughts and expectations for the New Year.

I know it's still premature to go into a reflection of the oh-so-interesting 2010 year, but I feel like I need to do this, though briefly.

Here's to a great Christmas that I will try my hardest to appreciate, but I'm basically just waiting for this year to be over.

Between moving and readjusting to LA life, studying for the LSAT, learning more about relationships, gaining 10-15 lbs whilst studying for the LSAT, struggling with taiko in this new city, entering a new and unexpected job niche, dealing with financials, and basically rethinking my whole game plan, it's been maybe a bit of a blessing, but all in all? A Real Bitch.

Seriously. It was my Chinese zodiac year - the year of the Tiger - which I thought was supposed to be good luck and fortune and good times all around.

Boy was I in for a surprise. I can't even really express here now what a rough ride it's really been, but trust me when I say it has. This is definitely a year that will change me forever, I think.

It's the first time maybe, as much as I hate to admit even a shred of it, that real life has kicked in. It's a whole new set of challenges and troubles, and I obviously didn't handle it all very well. It was like all at once, my life was turning and changing directions in every way possible. College was a blast, Hawai'i was an amazing, dreamy transition, and now LA wakes me up with a huge bucket of cold water to the face.

I blame my weight gain on the LSAT - I'm still horrified and surprised all at once that I've let it physically get this far - but really I think eating became my way of coping with all the stress that I had to deal with in ALL aspects of my life, really. I just didn't know how else to handle it. I know that will pass in time, but geezus! Reality is cruel. On my body.

I know this is all a part of that "journey" - I do still know that it's all for the best because I will make it that way - but goodbye for now to all that idealism I came out of school and the islands with. Things just don't work out the way you want or expect, at least not all the time and not always in the short term.

In any case, going to focus tonight and tomorrow on appreciating all the great things in my life and the amazing people and support I have around me, because without that and them I never would have made it through the year. Without a doubt.

So with that, I hope that everyone enjoys this holiday season. I know I will be celebrating the end of one chapter and the beginning of the rest of my life! Like in Tangled. harhar. Merry Christmas, world. Hope it's a happy season for everyone because that's the true nature and spirit of Christmas, after all: being with the people you love and cherish the most, and appreciating all of the great things around you.

What has happened to my life

2010-12-10T11:19:00.000-08:00

This is a very bad time in my life.

Everything seems stressful, and to top it all off, I've gained an inexcusable amount of weight. Like, VISIBLY. This means at least 10 pounds.

I feel so miserable and mopey, and I have to take the LSAT tomorrow with all of this negativity on my shoulders. I just can't seem to shake it off. I can't even say I at least feel good about myself right now.

And then of course, amidst all the stress my body gives up and now I have a bad cold. If I feel too sick tomorrow (and I will still have to take the test), all the work I've done on this damn test for the past SIX MONTHS of my life is for naught. I really just feel like shit.

This is really the closest thing I have to any diary, and I haven't had nearly enough time spent here.

I guess some positives are that the holidays are coming up, the test will soon be over, which means I can diet and and exercise my ASS OFF, and the people I care most about are here for me. But if only I could just lose the weight right here and now. I can see the fat in my face and mirrors have now become my enemy.

From my work blog, "US and Them"

2010-11-09T12:44:00.002-08:00

I should have posted the original entry here, but I thought it would add some nice spice to my other one.

http://candiceusjc.blogspot.com/2010/11/progressive-rant-or-maybe-whine.html

Check it out.

Where do I belong?

2010-11-02T14:36:00.002-07:00

Just watched a clip of an old performance by KETE (Kenny Endo Taiko Ensemble)...and it made me long for Hawai'i and that taiko group again.

I've been feeling dissatisfied here in LA, to an extent that I can't quite figure out. In Hawai'i I felt like I had really found myself and figured out my life. I knew that my stay in Honolulu would be temporary, but I discovered my passion for taiko and was ready to reclaim my future in a law career once relocating to Los Angeles, a place I considered home, while also figuring out a way to stay involved in taiko through groups here.

But lately, home has felt...weird, in taiko, and socially. I don't feel comfortable or at home here. I think I'm discovering that everything I thought taiko would be here in Los Angeles isn't, and instead, despite its shortcomings, I really want to be back in Honolulu playing with TCP and KETE. I loved teaching there, I loved being with the group, and sure, it got unbearable and frustrating at times and I couldn't wait to leave, but it got me thinking. If one day I relocated to Hawai'i as an attorney, it might not be so bad. Perhaps start an ACLU chapter over there?

Okay, so it was hard for me to be politically active in Honolulu, which was part of why I was dissatisfied with that experience, so I'm definitely being idealistic here. Plus, I think memory has been kind to my time there, mainly because my time here has proven difficult and well, just different.

I think my taiko experience so far has been at the root of my feeling dissatisfied and somewhat unhappy lately, but there's just something else that I haven't been able to explain.

I want to say it also has to do with my closest friends being away and feeling like they're inaccessible for a while, and life now is just not what I thought it would be, causing a sensation of being unhappy or discontent with my situation now. In Honolulu I hung out with my close friends regularly, whether after practices or on weekends. Here, everyone in LA is away or too busy or inaccessible or I'm too busy or away or inaccessible, and so I'm left with that.

Dok has been wonderful though, in taking care of me despite his own hardships, so I really am grateful for that. I think Honolulu can always figure into my future law career (i.e. if not law school there, relocate to Honolulu to take the HI state bar exam after passing CA, crossing my fingers) in some way, and if I decide that's what I want, it's always a possibility. For now though, I have to stick with this and make it work.

In other news, this entry has been interrupted by a knock on my door. MY BUSINESS CARDS ARE HERE! WITH MY NAME ON THEM!!!

I love work.

Women

2010-11-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

As a side note, I now have a work-related blog to place many of the articles and relevant thoughts that come across my desk. It's mostly US-Japan related topics of course, but with a global perspective, many other factors inevitably come into play.

Most recently, this topic of women in the workplace. It's one of the main topics our organization has been tackling, and there is actually a group of women affiliated with, or a part of, our organization, that are dedicating to researching and collaborating on this, figuring out how to work with Japanese women, how it affects both the US and Japan, strategizing, planning, etc.

But what frustrated me, mainly today, was a report I received via email regarding the trends that are affecting Japanese women today. These trends, no doubt, are affecting women, but the kinds of things that are attributed to women are so surface level, and not really delving into the real issues that cause women to bear social hardship, particularly in the workplace.

There's even a comparison drawn to "Eat Pray Love," and, admittedly, because of all the race-gender-class perspectives I read about on that movie, it made me think that we can't really talk about women without addressing the rest of those lenses.

Within the organization as it pertains to this topic, there are discussions on how corporations are helping women advance by taking into consideration their diverse backgrounds and needs, "challenging" the status quo, encouraging a progressive working environment....

Although at face value, and probably to most people, it sounds great and exciting and effective, when we really take it apart, it's not challenging anything. Sure, working within the system is great, especially for big corporations like Deloitte, but to say they're challenging the status quo especially is a longshot. Corporations are, inherently, not only a part of, but upholding status quo. This, of course, should go without saying.

So really when I see things like this "report" - which, it is worth noting, was put together by Japanese businesswomen and researchers but is being distributed and presented by a man - it's frustrating. Where is the real work to address these women, and why isn't our organization questioning these things?

Of course, as a nonpartisan nonprofit organization I suppose that would complicate things too much. It would offend our membership, our corporate sponsors (we even have defense corps donating major funds), and all those other important people who benefit the most from the status quo. Challenge the system? Are you kidding? It just goes to show how a non-progressive organization can sometimes just prove...well, ineffective for people like me.

I was just thinking

2010-10-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

And I am dead serious, that T.I. knows probably as well as any former incarcerated person, what the prison system is like, and how it affects an individual's life.

After watching this video and seeing the comment about the album name changing from "King Uncaged" to "No Mercy," I recalled hearing on the radio that T.I., after recently being released from prison, is going to be put back in because of some weapon charges or some violation of probation, something along those lines. The report indicated that he pleaded not to be sent back to prison after just getting out, but it seemed the judge wasn't having any of that. That, at least, is the impression I got from that story. I'll have to check my sources later.

Anyhow, as involved as I've become in the prisoner reentry campaign that will be starting up foreal at the end of this year, it made me think that T.I. could really lend some knowledge and visibility to this kind of campaign. The more radical end of the anti-prison movement is the prison abolition side, with important folks like Angela Davis and Ruth Wilson Gilmore, and awesome orgs like Critical Resistance and perhaps on a less explicitly abolitionist platform, the ACLU, at the forefront. It would be great if he could lend his experiences and thoughts on the prison system to the movement; although I could see how T.I. may not be considered the most "reputable" of representatives, I say fuck it - this movement would be all about the people and families and their cause anyway.

Who knows if he has really been thinking about his experiences in this way, but then even better, because it can become a 2 way educational opportunity.

Just some thoughts that may not turn into action at this point, but I think it's something to consider if T.I. ever gets wind of this kind of work and decides he's interesting in lending a helping hand.

Great quote on prisons.

2010-10-20T12:14:00.001-07:00

From the Real Cost of Prisons Weblog, on article titled, "Final Call: Report: Modern-Day Debtors' Prisons Devastating the Poor" --

According to Kurt Kaaekuahiwi, an intern with Critical Resistance, the definite intent of debtors' prisons is to keep people within the system, but resources should be put into educational or job training programs within prisons to help those men and women re-entering secure jobs once they are released.

“We have to divest from policing, divest from incarceration, and divest from prison expansion. Obviously, these monies that are being appropriated are through the general fund, which is from our tax dollars, and being used to further criminalize, stigmatize, and keep us trapped in the system, but that money is not used to support our needs of affordable housing or job opportunities,” he said.

Really now

2010-10-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

I feel so disconnected from everything LSAT, because whereas LSAT blogs are analyzing the October LSAT and fellow friends are rejoicing in their completion of the test, I, a score cancel-ee, still have the December test to look towards.

I am eagerly awaiting a post on the December LSAT and maybe a few words of encouragement in that department. But considering the non-popularity of that particular test administering, I doubt there will be much of that, if any at all.

There's so much to think about when it comes to that test, and mostly I have to stay away from putting myself down for not being able to pull it together by October. I would have needed a 20 point score increase, and I just couldn't do it. I'm halfway there and hoping I can manage 10 more in the next 2 months.

In any case, I just have to keep reminding myself that my future is riding on those 3 precious numbers that make up my score, and if it is anything less than a 1, a 7, and a 0, then I'm probably screwed.

So. Overdue.

2010-10-11T14:46:00.000-07:00

There are a million things I've been wanting to write about, but things have been so incredibly crazy the past 6 months or so that I haven't had the time or the energy to sit down and hash it out.

I'm not going to be able to do it now either, which is a bummer, but I guess I can force some of it out and see where this post takes me.

On a happy note, Dok has finally made it over, which has been, well, in adventure, in so many words. But I'm happy to be able to share all of my joyous and sad times with him now. We can struggle together, and it's a good feeling.

I am now full-time at work! We had our huge conference in September and although it was the craziest week of my entire life (working 12-17 hour days everyday, for 7 days), our tiny staff pulled off a huge success and it was the best feeling ever. I guess we staff in LA were also rewarded, as we're both full time here now. It's exactly what I had wanted and hoped for, but thought could never happen. It feels good to love your job. I'm learning so much, becoming connected to some good people, and all in all, feeling fulfilled with the time I am putting into this mini-career. It's definitely not a radical environment, but it provides me with exposure to some people and places I never would have met or seen otherwise.

LSATs are and will always be, a struggle. I took the October test, but due to illness ended up canceling. It was a tough decision, but I guess just as well...I wasn't where I wanted to be score-wise anyway. Going to see if I can pull it back together and retake in December, hopefully with a 10 point score increase! We can dream, right?

Taiko has also been a toughie...for more reasons than one that I won't enumerate here, but all I can say is that I hope it gets better soon. If it continues to stress me out...well, I hate to say it, but I just might have to rule it out as a continued activity, because there are already a million things on my plate.

Prison re-entry work has been on and off when I can find the time, but I have entered myself into the program/campaign as a more involved volunteer. I hope that I can keep it up, but it really is discouraging with everything that I know I already have to do. What is great about this involvement is that it is only twice monthly, and doesn't demand any more than I can give. Now if only to really be strict about what I can ACTUALLY give, rather than what I want to give. That's definitely, without a doubt, the hardest part. I think though, if I can really stick with it, I could gain a lot of perspective and of course, build a good resume and a good cause for myself to believe in. I miss the Progressive sphere, and this is my outlet. Without it I'd probably be lost.

Currently reading my first Bell Hooks book, upon Aya's recommendation, on Feminism. She is the most amazing progressive-minded writer you will ever read. Clear, concise, and so down. It's amazing how much of a wealth of knowledge her writings hold. Also helps me stay connected and remain critical about the world around me.

Speaking of which, the intersection of progressivism and US-Japan relations (think: global issues) has really been taunting my mind lately. I still haven't been able to articulate to myself what all of that really means for me, but I suppose only time will tell. Taking the critical progressive lens into work has been an interesting challenge - one I haven't yet been able to tackle fully, but one, I hope, with time, will enable me to emerge out of this experience an even more sharply-minded person.

Going to study with sister on Friday, which will be fun, and then seeing Aya and Jason on Saturday for PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!!! So excited!!!!

Memory has been kind

2010-07-22T15:29:00.001-07:00

Had the chance to reconnect with (aka read, for the first time in years) an old blog that I had kept, secretly, for the purpose of pouring out my most intimate, emotional thoughts. Upon reading the first few entries, which were heavily depressing and weighed down by hopelessness, my initial thoughts were that these must be from college sometime, when things were unmistakably difficult for multiple reasons.

But at the end of one entry, after coming across an "ew, Geckos!" type statement, I realized these sad sentiments were from my first few months in Hawai'i. I had felt so alone, so burdened, and kind of scared, then all at once frustrated because the transition was stressful. Of course, a majority of this experience on the island came from having to cut myself off, cold turkey, from an unhealthy relationship-type...well, relationship, but all in all I think I felt so out of my element.

I'm kind of in a similar place now, only just with the transition part. Having to start over, a little bit, and in a different way than Hawai'i, but I keep telling myself I will eventually get to a good, comfortable, established point.

I didn't even remember that I had moments like that in Hawai'i because the latter portion of my stay there was incomparably amazing and marked by so many defining and beautiful memories. I am hoping that the same will be true of my experiences here now, back in LA, back home, with familiar places and people.

At the same time, I'm hoping that I can finally, at some point, get to a good place in this job especially. I've decided I do want this, I do want to be here, so badly, and most of all, I want to be important to this organization. I don't know where or when this change of heart came, but I know that at least for now, this is what I'm putting my efforts into. But it is hard, because there are numerous occurrences that make me feel like I'm not good enough for this position, or at least...the way that the position is structured and set up, I'll never make it to where I want to be.

I'm real good at putting myself down these days, so the struggle to stay positive has been a tough one, especially when new staff over on the other side are much more invested and connected in so much less time.

I suppose it'll have to take some more positive/proactive thinking and an end to the over thinking, but my ego here is pretty sensitive and fragile at best, so hopefully that can change at some point. It's the quest to PROVE myself, if you will, not just to the people here, but to prove a point to myself also. It's what I WANT! And it will happen. Being out of my element and comfort zone will prove useful and beneficial for me. I will win over this test of character and determination. I just don't know when.

In all likelihood it will just be a crazy rollercoaster ride for many more months, and then somewhere, BAM, I'll realize I'm in. Like, really in.

And then from there, we'll see where I can take it, and where life will take me.

Diamond in the Rough

2010-07-19T16:43:00.003-07:00

Things have been very busy as of late, and it's reminding me of how much I enjoyed (in a workaholic kind of way) the challenge of time-energy management. Everything I've started the past couple of months is starting to pick up; as the new group of trainees in taiko we learned (and mini-recital style performed) our first piece, LSAT classes have been pummeling me with daily homework, and work is starting to become comfortable and is now challenging in a new, welcome way, especially with a huge first Conference coming up in September. In all of these I'm struggling to find a purpose and my own niche - I can feel that everything is going to fit together wonderfully again somehow, but I'm not quite sure yet how or when that will happen. Still, it's right on the horizon. As Alex would say, that's some Alchemist shit right there. Playing the part of the Shepherd can be a wonderful, albeit stressful, thing.

Work is a bit of a struggle because I've yet to establish some credibility, but I am feeling more invested because little by little I'm realizing how much I could learn from this organization. Upon beginning this job I was a little disappointed because I had told myself I would work for a nonprofit...it was only this morning, in the shower, that I realized I AM working for a nonprofit, just not for the purpose I had originally pictured. Still, on developmental, communicative, and even international affair-related levels, as a young but well-connected organization it has a lot to offer. I'm hoping that at some point down the line I will have something to offer it as well, but only time will tell whether that will happen. Or rather, it WILL happen, I just have to wait for the right time.

And I have to admit, Irene is incredibly inspiring. To learn from her would be like learning from one of the masters of working the influentials. I mean, she works it. Like nobody else I know of. Now if only I were in DC, I could at least see her face to face on some regular basis. I don't have that luxury here in LA. But the LA-DC distance is a different story altogether.

LSATs are slowly starting to come together for me - Logic Games and Logical Reasoning..and well, even Reading Comprehension - that is, the whole test - is most definitely a challenging obstacle. But class and the piles of homework are, very slowly but (hopefully) very surely, proving to be useful. The test is still (or maybe only) two months away, so as long as I stick with it and don't get lazy, it'll all play out just right. When I first started I thought I'd never be able to figure out those games, so needless to say, it's like a mini-life victory when I can successfully complete even one. I almost wish I had even MORE time to practice it all.

Taiko is exciting, but when is it not? I am definitely looking forward to the next 2 years I'll be able to spend with the team, and it makes it all the better because I love my trainee group. The 4 of us have a lot of fun together, and we are all able to learn relatively quickly, which means we can get it together faster and try and learn more in shorter amounts of time. Or at least, that's my hope. It's only been a few weeks, but really, the faster the better.

Waiting, but not in a complacent manner if that makes any sense, for everything to fall into place, as it seems it already is. Sometimes there is so much going on in my head that I think if I don't put it down in words somewhere, i.e. here, I'll go nuts. But I guess that's just a sign that there's a lot happening, and as a result, a lot that is going to happen in the upcoming months. A little nervous, but mostly excited. Let's just hope it doesn't all end up consuming me in the end. Here's to the universe...and it's conspiratory nature. Only, in our favor, like the old king said.

Transitions

2010-07-12T15:37:00.002-07:00

Some supplements to the law school story that I found interesting:

Shortcut to being a lawyer? Don't go to law school.

AND

The sameness of legal life

The first is about a man's lawsuit to trying to be able to take the bar without law school, and if Planet Law School is legit at all, then there's some truth to the fact that we aren't allowed to take the bar without law school because it's possible that people would pass it without law school (thereby rendering law school potentially useless...or at least less useful than supposed).

The second tells the story of the always-talked-about dilemma law school can and does present - that is, keeping your originality and values intact whilst chasing the legal "dream." It almost exactly articulates all the things I've been afraid of.

Other than that, been thinking a lot about where my life is going to go in the next couple of years. Namely, how I'm going to stay progressive.

There are so many questions about what it means to be "Progressive," as in there are a lot of people who identify themselves as such, but these people can differ from each other in significant ways. I used to have a very narrowly defined version of the ideological concept in college and spurn those "faux" progressives who tried to get in on the action, but have found my definition has expanded considerably, and is now a lot more inclusive these days.

Can I still be a progressive if I work for a company, nonprofit, organization, group etc. that doesn't necessarily follow those ideals?

What if I have friends or social circles that are not progressive?

Can I still carry those values with me, subtly practice them in some way everyday and still be considered a progressive?

Am I even effecting change if I am doing things this way, and if I feel like I am not effecting change, how does that influence my progressivism?

Are there some minimum hours required to be dedicated to activism or advocacy or organizing to qualify as a progressive? What about minimum levels of education or knowledge on these matters? (i.e. to be a progressive, you need to understand/know how to direct action organize)

Of course I don't think that all of these have to be answered a particular way to be right or wrong, and I would never now try and dictate how someone identifies (who am I, the empress of progressivism??), but I guess there's a level of dissatisfaction internally with the way things are right now because I don't necessarily consider them ideal (for myself). And yet, even with that dissatisfaction, for the time being I have come to terms with the situation because I don't have a whole lot of options at the moment.

Content dissatisfaction? Does that even make sense?

Anyway, something along those lines. A lot of times I miss the fervor and the enthusiasm with which campus organizing often is executed, but having moved forward in a particular way since then, I don't think that exact environment is for me anymore. Something like it, maybe, but with some real life adjustments.

I guess as long as I continue to make the effort to surround myself with the right people and involve myself in the right spaces, I'll never lose it, at least not completely. It all will be what I make of it, I realize that...I just am very aware of the constant push and pull that happens between my internal idealistic needs, and my real time, real life situations.

It's a big part of why, humbly, I want to make the skeleton of Malcolm X's story my own. If that makes any sense to you, you win.

Overload.

2010-07-09T13:08:00.000-07:00

Geezus. It's like I conquered the world when I get 3 logical reasoning questions in a row CORRECT...except that now I have like 57 more to go. What the hell.

The Madness Begins

2010-07-06T13:39:00.006-07:00

The lack of relaxing this past July 4th weekend is a glaring indication that my fun time is over...at least for the next four months.

LSAT prep began on Saturday with our first practice test, and it was an intense four hours, to say the least. (It had also been a super long morning because I had a waxing appointment at 7 am. Nothing like a bikini wax early in the morning to get you going for the rest of your day.)

Logic games were a killer, like everyone says they are. Reading comprehension I think saved me. I didn't score my test til Monday, but I found out I did alright...better than I'd originally thought. If I can improve my score 20 points by October, I'm in the gold. But 20 points!! It's really time to hit the books.

Sunday, the magical day of fireworks...was chill during the day, only I had to go to taiko at night. As brand new trainees all we did was sit and watch...and I didn't get to watch fireworks, but I'm not complaining too much. It's always good to watch and learn...or try and learn, and I think just being there helps earn credibility. You know, that whole put in the time and effort thing. Plus, I got to see a few fireworks going on around the city when I went to see my mom at her office later that night. Good to know there are still fireworks going on at 11 pm.

Then Monday! Woke up super early to drive to the airport and do a drop off...then came back home and slept in for a bit. Then 6-10 pm, LSAT class. Our first formal class. All in all, the class was just okay. I think Blueprint prides itself a little too much on the novelty of what I'm going to call...modern humor. Like, college humor I guess. Our teacher is cool and all, but he tries a little too hard to be funny I think...and he's not even really the greatest teacher or anything. Not even close. Although he has a great success story of his own (180 on the LSAT, Harvard Law, now in LA trying to be a writer), I'm not sure he's going to give me any great moments of enlightenment or anything over the course of this class. Plus it made me think of all the things Aya talks about with the way these prep courses teach standardized testing methods.

Anyway, it's a bearable thing overall and I think if I really apply myself I can learn a lot. No doubt. Plus if they keep hammering us with homework like this, I think I may get used to this logic games stuff. I'm serio gonna need the work!

I would've liked to lounge around and do nothing all weekend...but I think I've done enough of that now. It's back to work today for the week...plus more class and even more homework.

This is def going to take some getting used to.

I have though, in the bigger picture, decided to take ONE MORE year off. Yes, so law school is postponed another year, for a total of 3 years between undergrad and LS. Initially the idea was hard to deal with, but I think I'm beginning to see that it might be the best choice for me.

The reason is, taiko. Big surprise, right?

I've been wanting to play with TP for so long that I think it would be an injustice to bar myself from really getting the full experience of playing with the group...and although the group isn't quite the same anymore, I still think there's so much that I can learn from my time with them. Just one more year so that I can play with them for two...then it's off to law school for sure.

FOR SURE!

All the time I put into the LSAT this summer will make sure of that. No doubts. My mind is set and it will be done!

Being in this Japanese American community

2010-06-10T12:12:00.002-07:00

I have come to grips with my new job, in so many ways, and am even appreciating it for a lot of what it is. On some levels, sure, I have to get used to and/or come to terms with many parts, but in my effort to challenge myself and genuinely be invested in this cause, I am making some strides in understanding this organization.

It is a personal challenge, for sure, because when I hear the term "Japanese businesses" or listen to a majority of men give their input on the JA-Japanese effort, I tend to jump at the chance to criticize.

Admittedly, this organization has a lot of work on. Without making a laundry list of excuses, simply, the organization is still growing and operating at a very young 10 years. In such a short amount of time, under the guidance of its President, the organization has garnered the support of a number of high-level, influential Japanese Americans and Japanese, making the number of resources available to Boards and members and staff very great. In the way of gender and things like SES, the organization has to work on its equity, since the folks represented are disproportionately on the male, upper middle to upper class category, and mostly work in the governmental or business, for-profit sectors. (There are, however, a good number of women in these sectors that are very active in this org. I just think in a lot of ways they can be more at the forefront on the whole, not including our President, who is a woman and the guiding force behind all of this work. We can, for example, explicitly talk about women's issues, since as JAs and Js, our set of issues can be unique to our experiences. Such discussions, I feel, are only just starting.)

But I do have a lot to learn in the way of Japanese American community and its relation to Japan. Which can sound like a rationalization, but maybe that's how real learning and understanding starts. I also have a lot to learn about myself, and I think this job can teach me that and so much more.

In its membership and participants, this organization is representative of Japanese Americans from all over the country. They come from various backgrounds and work in a number of types of jobs, from nonprofit to government to business to entertainment/media. Granted, I don't necessarily get to be a part of the activities or programs they participate in, but as a staffer I do get to perpetuate these experiences for these people. That in itself can be a personal achievement.

Anyway. Without going into much detail right now, I can say that I feel like it has been an intense 4 weeks, but in a positive way. I am maybe already starting to grow and see what parts of this org are good, and what can be improved, and with more experience, hopefully I can help in this whole effort to connect JA and J communities. It is of course complex in so many ways, with so many types of people involved, but little by little I am starting to feel personally connected to the efforts, albeit very slowly.

Meanwhile, am looking forward to a weekend of fun and (hopefully) relaxation. Congrats to this year's UCLA grads! It's the last class of undergrads I think I really was close to and got to know. Looking forward to dropping by at APIG on Sunday, and looking to LSAT courses in July. Lots to anticipate in the coming months. Right now, that feels like a good thing.

GOOD MORNING

2010-05-28T03:12:00.001-07:00

Damn, I am looking forward to my 4 day weekend big time. Thank you Memorial Day for the extra day off.

Ah, the perks of working part-time.

I'm not gonna lie, it's been a rough and tough 2 weeks, trying to figure out the name of this Council game and really grappling with my mixed feelings about my new-found employment. I kind of feel like everything I had envisioned myself doing in this time just didn't pan out because of my own decisions.

CHOICES. That's what life's all about, isn't it? Those, and then those things that come after them. Yeah, that. Consequences.

When it came down to it I chose convenience and instant gratification over the waiting game, because I'm sure that is how it would have been otherwise...or at least so I think I would LIKE to think.

But the latter half of this week has proven to be pretty fruitful. I know now that I can do this job well, and considering this is still a small and budding organization, there is still hope.

Kind of ironic, isn't it, how I wrote and gabbed all that stuff about the JA community, and suddenly I find myself thrown into the midst of everything I complained about? Maybe it's karma for my college-aged arrogance and audacity.

Maybe this'll teach me exactly what I need to learn to really know what I want the rest of my life...or at least for the next few years or so.

Little by little it's coming together, but I guess it always tends to work that way.

Then talking to supportive friendsies like Aya, Dok and Scott always is good for lifting spirits. YAY for friends, foreal.

Meanwhile, home life is dumb. Not in the "I hate my parents" kind of way at all...but more like, they're cutting open the walls to replace our pipes and the family decides to STAY HOME while this is all happening!

Dumb = from 7 am - 4 pm, everyday for 2 weeks, we have no use of any water in the house, so even on my day off, when I just want to stay home and SLEEP...I have to get out and find a place to use the damn bathroom. Not to mention brush my teeth and then otherwise just chill. Anyone want to volunteer their place?

K thanks.

Life just never stops with all of the things to ponder and figure out. It's a good thing most of the time, but sometimes, like now, it's pretty baffling. I feel like I'm sort of in this mess trying to figure out the direction of my life.

One big transition. From the time I left Hawai'i, that fateful April 13, until who knows when, I'm sort of just doodling blind. Hands over the eyes, pen to the paper, and draw. Except those pictures end up being all the things I'm doing in my life. Then when it's all over, look at the picture and see where I went, what I did, and I can only hope it'll all make sense.

That magical end product.

It'd better be magical.

Speaking of magic, hoping for that Disneyland trip on June 12th! Crossing my fingers.

----

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Catty

2010-05-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

I want a lot for myself.

There's so much I can do if only given the chance, and I want to know that I can challenge myself instead of always taking the easy road out, and do whatEVER I focus my energy on and decide to do. Not only will I do it, but I'll own the shit out of it.

Leave a trail of fire in my wake.

It feels like my life is taking a bit of a detour from the road I had really hoped for, but everything happens for a reason and I am determined to make this all meld together beautifully. (i.e. more than "make it work.")

It's too early to feel the way I do, but I think it's only because I've been spoiled by 2 fun but somewhat complacent, years in Hawai'i.

I'll show them what I can do, if it's the last thing I ever do. And take my word for it, it won't be the last thing.

From the other side

2010-05-04T17:12:00.000-07:00

Two? Three? weeks later, and I've been home for quite a while now.

Reconnecting with folks, getting readjusted, trying to stay productive, seeking out a new job and niche in my new (old) city....it's definitely been a task of no easy measure, but I would say I'm slowly getting used to it all.

I always get the inevitable "Do you miss Hawaii?" question and of course the answer is yes. I miss my home, my friends, taiko, my sig other. And home feels so different now, presumably because I'm (a little) different now, it's almost like my third city of residence.

But, home IS still home, and I think the best part has been having close access to friends and family again. It's very comforting in a lot of ways, and in the time that I've been back in some ways I have a new appreciation for things.

And anyway, knowing I'll be back to visit (and work) for a few days is comforting. Seeing those most important to me will be so amazing, I can't even express my excitement.

Lots of things to figure out, in the way of, well, LIFE, but I guess that's just how it always goes. It'll be interesting to find out the answers to all of my questions.

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore....

2010-04-15T03:02:00.000-07:00

It's strange, but the Wizard of Oz has been a source of inspiration lately.

Maybe that's because I feel like my time in Hawai'i has been one great adventure-filled dream.

Because oh my god, I can't believe I'm back in Los Angeles. I think it's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, and the sadness was intense. After saying goodbye to close friends and boyfriend, I wanted to cry so bad. And I did, while sitting at the gate by myself. I tweeted something to the effect of..."I can't remember the last time I was this sad," and it's true to its core. It was so much harder than I could've ever anticipated, and being home still feels bittersweet. I had to call Mom to take my mind off the self-pity.

Even after landing at LAX, thinking about Hawai'i life too much made me well up.

But boo hoo, I'm allowing myself to mope internally for a little while, and then back to business.

There is so much I want to do, despite missing everyone and BF. And maybe all the more, bury myself in whatever I need and want to do, to stop from feeling so sad about everything and everyone I left behind in Honolulu.

Like Kelsey said, change is good. And I think deep down inside I know what I have to do.

Only for the first time, being here at home, there's so much uncertainty. I was so sure, so certain, so confident, about everything I would do when I got back, but this move has definitely thrown me for a loop. It is going to be...an interesting year, to say the least. LSATs, law school plans, volunteer endeavors, the works. We'll see how it all goes, maybe the possibility is exciting, but it's all a little scary, too.

Looking towards my next visit to Honolulu, hopefully both in May and June, which would be ideal...and in May, excited to see Aya. It'll be some much needed girlfriend therapy, that's for sure.

Maybe like Dorothy, I'll realize that my Scarecrow, Tinman, and Lion were with me here at home all along.

Still Kickin'

2010-03-26T00:52:00.000-07:00

I nearly forgot about this thing the past few months or so.

A lot of things have happened...my family came to visit, taiko's been getting busier for Sensei's 35th Anniversary, work has been nonexistent and so has the pay; I fell in love, met some more new taiko folks, became closer with old friends, and am now coming to terms with the end of my time here.

I think I've realized how independent I've become, so knowing that I'm moving home for a while is kind of hard to accept. How hard it will actually be only time will tell, but I'm pretty sure, gauging from my 3 week holiday home-time vacations, that it will be HARD.

I know most blogs are inherently selfish and self-centered (I this, I that, me me me me me); the movie Julie & Julia helped me see that (I highly recommend the flick for anyone who hasn't seen it), but this entry will probably be one of the more self-involved contributions.

Having started a relationship here already gives me a lot to think about in terms of being back in LA, but more than that, I only realized today how COMFORTABLE I've become here. Just like in those movies...you know when you've blended into a new area or neighborhood when your neighbors start acknowledging you. Like, you're a local now, foreal. Except I'm leaving again in roughly 3 weeks.

I guess life can be good that way while we're young -- just when you get comfortable or start to get complacent...MOVE ON. That's what I'm doing...and that's probably what will happen back in LA up until I actually start attending law school. It keeps life exciting, unpredictable, new, fresh.

I suppose though, life can't be fresh forever.

Or maybe it can, just in a different way.

All of the goodbye events have started to happen - the goodbye BBQ, the last karaoke outing, and soon, the VERY last parties and farewells. Little by little it's sinking in. The logistics of moving are going to be the biggest pain, and I haven't even started on that...probably because I just don't feel absolutely ready to fully accept that I'm going to be gone from here. Forever. Mmm or to be less dramatic, just will never be here in the same way again.

Hawai'i will always be my second home, though, there's no doubt about that. When I leave here I'll be leaving a piece of myself behind, the piece I'll have to come back and reclaim whenever I come to visit.

It's been a beautiful 2 years, so I can't complain. It's just so bittersweet, I could cry just thinking about having to board that plane and head home for good.

The great news is some of my friends here may make it over to the Cali area...so that should be exciting.

And of course, LA is my element. The people, the places, the FOOD....

I'm just afraid I'll be a stranger in my own hometown. I guess that's inevitable at first, but it shouldn't take too long to become reacquainted, mainly with friends. There's still so much to do and so much to see.

Chaos

2010-03-03T03:39:00.000-08:00

Too much happening now, in this world, is disheartening proof of how fucked up people really are.

Still a tribute.

2010-03-01T01:38:00.002-08:00

Shero-hero had to be changed on request, but I thought the blog could use a small change anyway. I'm not HTML-smart enough to revolutionize the blog completely, but so it goes.

So it's been an interesting weekend, without a doubt.

Chile and the 8.8 -- my thoughts and condolences are with them. But it led to a severe tsunami scare out here on the islands. I mean, Hawai'i gets a lot of tsunami warnings, but it's rarely so bad that they actually close down local shops and businesses, college campuses, and even roads closest to the coast. We really thought we were in for something serious. The streets and beaches were completely emptied out, some families in inundated areas evacuated. I was stuck here at home, waking up Saturday morning with Dok to tsunami warning sirens. We were basically trapped at home all morning and into the early afternoon, watching the local news for the latest, waiting for the tsunami to hit. Waves were projected to be at least 6 feet tall, hit Hilo, Big Island first, and then make its way over to us.

Long story short, we watched and waited until 11:04 am, when the first waves were supposed to start arriving, but they were at least an hour late. We watched the ocean recede, particularly over a patch of coral reef - this is a sure indication of an arriving tsunami - and then it turned out the waves were only 3 feet high. Grrrreat.

Then the islands are all "oh yay, at least we were prepared for a great disaster in case it came." Uh, tourists were evacuated to the tops of hotels for goodness' sakes. I HOPE that would've worked if the waves were high enough.

Anyhow, of course just happy and relieved that everyone is safe and nothing happened to us. It was scary there, for like 12 hours. Good job Hawai'i, for giving me a memorable weekend, or something like that.

Meanwhile, April 13 looms ever closer. Eek!

Hawaiian Sovereignty?

2010-02-24T00:53:00.009-08:00

I've been in Hawai'i for exactly a year and a half now - 18 months - and being here on Oahu kind of threw my race-gender-sexuality-class lens for a loop because everything was so different from the frameworks in LA I had become so used to in college organizing.

For a while, I thought, okay, maybe things here are a little more color blind - it's definitely not a good thing, but overall, unless you're white, there are so many mixed race people that there are few who identify solely with one community, whether political or racial or both.

I've mentioned it somewhere before, but there are so many "racial" or "racist", aka non-PC, terms being thrown around in everyday colloquial conversation - it's even deeply embedded in pidgin vocabulary.

But then Andy said something to me a couple of months back, and it started a new perspective on the particular nature of race issues here. All he said was, "Hawai'i is the MOST racist state."

I don't think it's the MOST racist, but I did realize, this place is not colorblind, it's the OTHER end of the "bad" spectrum! Totally racist.

And then everything looked a little different. Maybe even made more sense.

There are negative stereotypes being used, enforced, perpetuated everyday, and there is one for every race on the island. Japanese, including Okinawan; Chinese, Korean, Micronesian, Polynesian - specifically Samoan, Tongan and Native Hawaiian; African American, Puerto Rican, White, Filipino...the list goes on and on. White is at the bottom of this hierarchy, but each one has an equally, if not more, negative trait attached to it. There's some sort of derogatory term for each, and if you fit in somewhere, of course there's a list of characteristics that are instantly assumed about you, as stereotypes often go.

The same goes for sexuality -- gay, lesbian, transgender, transsexual -- although generally liberal and to some, "laid-back," Hawaii is behind in the way of progressivism and political empowerment for the Queer community. Very heteronormative, if you will, even though there is a large and oftentimes visible Mahu community that resides here.

Of course this applies to some parts of LA/California and definitely parts of the greater mid-West, but for a West Coast state, it's kind of surprising.

Granted, maybe I shouldn't be speaking for all of Hawai'i or even all of Oahu, because my experiences are isolated to, well, MY experiences, but this is sort of how it's all come together for me so far.

Then there comes news of Senator Akaka's Hawaiian Government Reorganization Act, a bill that recently passed the House!

I'm only educated on the very periphery of this issue, but it sounds promising. Both the issue and the bill, of course, are very divisive and controversial because of notions and stereotypes of the Native Hawaiian community, but I think it's amazing that the bill itself has even gotten this far, and that the issue is getting this kind of visibility now.

I only got about halfway through, but I liked what I read so far. It may be a little iffy in the way of identifying who will actually benefit from this since so many people will try and stake some claim; although there are standards, some who shouldn't benefit probably will...but legislation is always hard to really narrow, and inevitably is open for interpretation somewhere.

Full text of the bill here.

How amazing would this be for this community? Don't know if it'll pass the Senate, but it's a start. And if it does pass, Obama will sign!

Anyway, there's always tons to learn here. I will miss the islands so much!

Your poop.

2010-02-19T01:34:00.001-08:00

I tried to embed it, but unfortunately the picture is too large for this format! What a shame.

Anyway, here's the link:

Poop.

The Cove

2010-02-05T00:10:00.004-08:00

Aichan, a friend from taiko, lent me the DVD for this film. It was kind of out of nowhere, and I had never heard of the film before she mentioned it. I approached it with some caution, but without much consideration.

As a very basic synopsis, a group of oceanic preservation activists discover that a fishing village in Japan called Taiji is killing over 20,000 dolphins a year. Some are sold to the multi-billion dollar "Sea World"-type industry, and the rest are slaughtered for meat. A particular group of activists actually breached the high security "Cove" where dolphins are grouped together, trapped, and killed, got it all on HD film, and created this movie with the purpose of stopping this cruel and gratuitous act.

So I thought, alright, a "save the dolphins!" kind of a movie. Big deal. I mean, sure, Hayden Panettiere took on this cause some months back and nobody took her OR the cause seriously then either. It just sounded like a whole bunch of ocean hippies trying to save the "intelligent beings" that are dolphins, because they're cute and happy and blah blah blah.

But I watched the film and I was, I have to say, completely overcome and shocked at the issue itself. There's a lot of cover-up by the Japanese government, the fishermen (and politicians!) who are making millions off of these dolphins couldn't be any shadier, and the whole situation is absolutely ridiculous. Basically Taiji fishermen are the bad guys, and even the folks in neighboring Tokyo have no idea that dolphins are being sold or killed. To make matters worse, dolphin meat is being slipped into "whale meat" packaging and people are unknowingly consuming the mercury-filled, toxic product.

After a day of thought, this film became blog-worthy because there's so much to think about. Too much to cover completely -- you'll have to see for yourself -- but I'm going to take a shot at a few points.

First off, the color lens. At first look, this totally looks like White ocean preservation activists vs. Japanese fishermen. It's totally a West vs. East thing, because the group that is trying to stop the dolphin killing is entirely comprised of white scientists, divers, surfers, technicians and so on. And of course, they're taking on the folks of Taiji who are trying to stop intruders from entering their village.

But okay, that's only at first look. The film could have included some people of color sure, to speak for their cause, but it also did a good job of making sure the issue at hand stood out more than the issue of race (at least for me; I would concede that this is an arguable point). So it didn't become a "all Japanese are bad" kind of thing, but rather, the fishermen who are committing this crime and the higher-ups who are condoning this action are to blame. This category is always complicated, so I won't go any further into that.

Secondly, there is a cultural issue at hand here. The Cove also mentions that the Japanese have become increasingly resistant to the West trying to tell them what to do -- it all started with the prohibition of whaling back in 1986, and Japan was very unhappy when they had to stop killing whales. Dolphins have now taken their place, and Japan doesn't want to listen to anyone about that either. If things went their way, Japan would be able to continue whaling, but almost just because they're being told by other countries, namely the West, that they can't do it anymore. It's this "Empire" state of mind, and not the Jay-Z kind. The Empire of Japan and its indignant attitude is misplaced on this particular issue, and dolphins are needlessly being killed off for it. Just a casualty, if you will, of that complicated facet of Japanese culture.

Thirdly, more bureaucratic bullshit from the International Whaling Committee, which gathers representatives from all over the world and is supposed to hold countries accountable for this kind of a thing. Of course, Japan representatives are trying to justify their dolphin slaughtering practices with faulty scientific evidence about fish preservation, but it's obvious that fish are disappearing from the oceans because of people, not because of an overabundance of dolphins. And then all the rest of the representatives do is sit around in a large conference room and talk about how Japan is wrong, but nobody really does anything about ANYTHING. To make matters worse, Japan pays off other, poorer countries, like Laos, Cambodia, and Dominica, to support their cause on the Committee, making it difficult for the rest of the committee to pressure Japan to stop their practices.

Every rich, developed country has its dirty secrets. Just one more exposed in this film.

With the Academy Award nomination, I hope this film gets the kind of coverage it deserves. I also hope that more younger generation Japanese are able to jump on this cause. I never thought I'd be writing about an issue like this, but I think this film is done so well that it needs to be put out there.

Go rent the DVD and see if for yourself. Then visit the website here for more information.

I wouldn't have taken the time to blog about this if I didn't think it worthy. Hope I can convince folks to just take a look. The footage is incredibly disturbing and, as Aichan said, "brutal," but I think it's a must see. With any issue, awareness is a first step. So this is my first action. We'll see where it goes from there.

Can't Let You Go, Even If I Die

2010-01-22T14:13:00.001-08:00

Okay. Now I'm in love.

Ruth Wilson Gilmore

2010-01-20T15:39:00.003-08:00

When the capacities resulting from purposeful action are combined toward ends greater than mission statements or other provisional limits, powerful alignments begin to shake the ground. In other words, movement happens.

-- Ruth Wilson Gilmore, Golden Gulag

I am so proud of myself for finally finishing the book. I had bought this (and blogged about it) MONTHS ago, but only this week had the time to dedicate to complete it. Totally worth it. I now have a better understanding of the rise of prisons in California, and the movements to stop the "cages" and dehumanization of poor people of color.

I also just bought Saul Alinsky's Rules for Radicals so that was good incentive to get through this one before starting that one.

Started to look for job possibilities in the nonprofit sector yesterday, and although there are definitely options in LA, trying to find the right fit is the key. When it comes down to it, of course I'm not going to be picky, but something part-time will do, since summertime will be dedicated to LSATs and applications.

Reading GG made me recall though, that these folks organize because they have to. These are issues and happenings that directly affect them and their communities - it's action out of necessity. Gilmore sums it up perfectly:

Most of those fighting in the trenches have little time for activism motivated solely by abstract political or ethical rhetoric. Rather, they are fighting for their lives, their families, and their communities. The remedy for cumulative negative impacts must be bigger and more compelling than a simple technocratic fix. A principled sense of mortal urgency gets grassroots activists to go to meetings, makes them board buses, and inspires hope.

So who am I, with my privileged, activist self? What do I have to fight for in my own community? To be honest, I can't think of much. My issues with the Japanese American community stem from a lack of connection in general; for a long time I've felt like I've had trouble relating, whether it's because of generational or life experiential differences.

Instead I've found my calling with other communities in need of other types of help, but it can often be difficult to truly be a part of those efforts because I am not directly affected by some of the grievances being addressed.

In any case, there will always be a million questions about the world, society, and the world of grassroots activism and organizing. Speaking of my shero, I guess it really will be nice to be in LA and talk to those who give me the inspiration to continue.

Bittersweet though, leaving Hawaii, and I can't believe how much time has passed. But I know what needs to be done, and I have to admit, am excited for the possibilities of the next chapter the year will bring.

On to Alinsky!

Helpful.

2010-01-15T19:08:00.002-08:00

"As an organizer I start from where the world is, as it as, not as I would like it to be. That we accept the world as it is does not in any sense weaken our desire to change it into what we believe it should be--it is necessary to begin where the world is if we are going to change it to what we think it should be. That means working in the system." Alinsky, Saul D. Rules for Radicals

Thanks to Alex for the reads. Quote from here

whoa whoa whoa, say what?

2010-01-14T04:01:00.005-08:00

Armed with my secret weapon to go into law school and kick ass, or so I thought.

Reading something that will remain unnamed, and I have to admit, I'm not even in law school and I'm already caught up in the need for prestige, for high pay, for status.

All of the things that my personal politics have been resisting for years now.

It's a bad idea to tell everyone you want to go to law school. Right now it's more like, "I've thought about it, but I haven't decided yet." But of course the ones who want to hear it as a final decision (mom and dad and andy) will tell everyone you're law school bound and they can't wait until you've become a prestigious lawyer at a great law firm.

Whatever that means.

All of my just and socially conscious reasons for wanting to entering the field of Law have just been stomped on. Directly and explicitly, by this source.

And okay, I won't and shouldn't take it THAT seriously, because there are great attorneys out there doing great work. If I do well in law school, then sure, I'll have options, but maybe that won't be as necessary because the law school student demand for entering Public Interest Law is so low. To quote the book, "This usually involves working for a non-profit corporation, at relatively low pay. In general, it doesn't get much respect...because of the low pay. Usually, those who graduated at the top of the class don't bother to apply for such jobs."

That, and on the part about the types of law to enter, of course PIL has the shortest description at a whopping 1/5 of a page paragraph. What a stressful read.

I understand my impending dilemma a little more clearly now. So what to do?

Hell if I know.

Frankly, my confidence is a little shaken, in entering law school, but at the same time, maybe having read this secret weapon is exactly what I need to be able to succeed where necessary.

Deep down, I'm conflicted, sure, but I think I really need to do this. For myself now, first and foremost.

Let's just hope the year and a half or so I have before law school presumably starts will be just what I need to survive - academically, socially, mentally, politically, and spiritually.

I have a headache and now it is definitely time for bed. (Oh yeah, and happy new year to you, bloggy blog)

THE SYSTEM? WORKING!? no way....

2009-12-23T14:29:00.005-08:00

This happened about a week before I flew back home to LA, but it was probably the best moment in my whole year of working for Hawaii Human Development Corporation. Yes...it's a nonprofit, and it has the word "corporation" in its name.

But that's besides the point.

So HHDC is the nonprofit that employs me to work with the kids out at the Hawaii Youth Correctional Facility, or HYCF. Up to that day a week ago it was an interesting job to say the least, and it gave me some insights on the issues that lower income Hawaii youth face. The rampant drug problems on multiple islands, namely Big Island and Maui, particularly in the way of weed and more seriously, ice (aka meth); the robberies, burglaries, car hijackings, battery, and sometimes the occasional sexual assault or murder. This job gave me the last push I needed to really decide that I want to go to law school. Yes, to tackle community issues, but most of all to help kids like this who were thought to "never stand a chance" in regular society. Because when they make those same mistakes after they turn 18, it's longer, harder, and more dangerous time in the adult prisons. Once they end up there, it's considered the end.

Only to be truthful, the job that I do -- teaching the kids job readiness when they're getting ready to reemerge into the real world -- is not that serious, and awfully short-sighted. Ideally, we would stay in close contact with the kids we work with to make sure that they're able to acquire and maintain a job that will help them start a living, and stay out of trouble. But really what happens is that we rush through the curriculum, make sure they know the basics, and eject them from HHDC altogether. Well, not really "eject." But really, we lose touch. And so I decided this whole prison system thing, it doesn't really work. It's just BS.

Anyway. I work mostly with boys of high school age. I have also worked with the girls, mostly because my supervisor, a male, doesn't feel comfortable working closely with some of the female residents so I take care of all of them. I hear stories here and there about these kids' lives, how they ended up there, how things are, etc. etc. But I didnt realize til a week ago how little we really knew some of them.

To get to the point, I happened to have to drive out to the prison on my own one day, without my supervisor because he was occupied with other work. So I met with a new client, a 17 year old boy who is expecting to be released in February. I don't know why or how, but we got along wonderfully.

And because we did, somehow he felt it was safe to talk to me about what he had been through in not just prison, but his life before being in the facility. He was a repeat offender - many of the kids are - meaning that he's been in and out of the facility for the past 3-5 years or so. Yes, he started early.

Now, we always try to create a safe space for the kids, to make them see that we are really on their side, but for some reason or another I've never had this kind of a connection or conversation with any other boy or girl.

This boy had come across a lot of different epiphanies and revelations about his life, and how he was determined, but nervous, to be out and on his own. It's the anticipation of gaining freedom, but with it comes the realization that he could make another mistake, and it'd be over. Off to adult prison and never heard from again.

He was motivated, having survived the experience of youth prison, to stay goal oriented and not "do anything stupid." (His words, not mine) He was regretful of his actions but at the same time, so incredibly grateful for having been given a second chance. The youth facility was his second chance.

But the biggest question I had for him was: did the system work? Do you think the youth prison system works to help kids change their lives around? Because so many others had failed and are either making those same mistakes now, or are already doing time for it as adults.

What he told me might sound cliched to some, but coming from someone his age, it was profound.

Every kid has the choice to turn his life around, and time in the youth facility gives him that chance. It's like a hotel resort compared to adult prison. It's all about whether he takes responsibility for his actions, and if he does, that's it, it's easy to make decisions from there to start over and stop that kind of life. Everybody has that chance.

He had tried talking some sense into his peers, but to no avail. I told him it's because they haven't come as far as he had, thinking about his actions and his experiences and finding a way to turn it around into something positive for himself.

Anyhow. It's difficult to relay here in words but I was blown away.

There's no way for me to understand any of what he went through, but it just made me want to be a part of the whole thing - this kind of work. But of course, on another, more involved, level. I shared with him my ambitions toward lawyer-dom, and he said, I hope that you continue to help kids like me.

After that talk, that was it, that was enough! Planet Law, here I come.

As for the system, I still don't think it "works," but folks like him make the rest of us think there's a chance to change things for the better.

Late night rantings

2009-12-22T01:45:00.008-08:00

It's almost 2 am and I should be sleeping because I have to get up for some early last-minute holiday shopping but...it's been a while and I think this has been in the works (in my head) for a while.

Lots of talk about Avatar and how great the movie is, mostly for its graphics and so on and so forth. But then with every so-called "great" movie comes the blogger articles about how really "racially" or "socially" groundbreaking certain plots or stories are in the media and Hollywood today. And of course, fancying myself a Progressive activist (although I'm in a sort of hibernation at the moment), I am subscribed to many of these blogs and read many of these articles or are linked by other friends.

Lately I've felt like reading those articles can be a great thing, sure -- it provides a radical perspective on the type of movie white people and the ignorants or otherwise unassuming public would take at face value and love -- but where do we draw the line when it starts to shade everything in such a negative light?

I've heard recently and all throughout the past few years, complaints about folks who enter the Progressive sphere, whether through undergrad, grad, the nonprofit sector, or whatever other outlets there are, and end up jaded and, let's face it, no longer fun to hang out with. I've experienced this once or twice with folks I don't care to name, and with the new assault of articles about why society STILL sucks, I kind of wonder when being a "progressive" just means you hate life. And white people.

Other movies that fall into this Avatar category, just to name a few, are District 9, the Blind Side, the Last Samurai, and essentially any other movie where a leading protagonist (white, of course) is involved somehow in protecting people of color and ending up the hero. The white guilt movies. Okay, I get it. And I totally agree that movies these days are really not all that great in challenging racial stereotypes or making any sort of huge statement about how much colonization sucks. Like, stop starring the white people already, we don't need them to save us. Even Disney's The Princess and the Frog is called totally wrong for it's altogether stereotypical portrayal of the black community. But frankly, all that is tiresome. Calling out every single movie or what have you on it's non-progressiveness just gets to be too much already. As if Progressivism is now all about shooting down every single thing that becomes popular and calling it out because from a social justice standpoint it totally blows. (Except, to be real, I really loved the Last Samurai. I didn't think it was all about Tom Cruise's character at all. So I disagree with criticisms regarding that movie, probably because I can appreciate the Japanese history that served as the inspiration for that story.)

And yet, of course I don't believe in "taking things are they are" either. It pisses me off when people say "it was just a movie, have fun with it," or "it's no big deal, calm down." It all still is what it is - a movie that status quo critics would call "amazing" and "poignant" because it's about race relation or gender or sexuality issues that we've all known about for years already. So can't there be some balance between the two?

How do we think about these things constructively? In a way where it feels like something can be done about it, or there's some effective way to make a change?

And yep, I completely and absolutely understand that the dialoguing and the discourse can be the first step. Putting it out there for folks the reasons why this or that thing is not correct or as politically earth shattering as some might think is a great thing to do. I'm just talking about when your interactions with these outlets - whether via internet, publications, or interpersonal relations - meld into one giant ball of pessimism about the world. And of course there are groups and great people taking steps to do the kind of work that may one day change the face of Hollywood when it comes to this type of thing. Or maybe not.

But the point is, how do we keep thinking about things and carrying out actions in a way that will help us fix the problem? Find a solution?

I of course don't have an answer to that yet, but I'm determined not to fall into this trap of becoming "jaded." Because thinking about it now, when folks call themselves "jaded," it's almost this lame excuse to then proceed to complain about every aspect of society that sucks. Complain, and then do jack shit about it. Ya dig?

Anyway. Glad my peers and the folks I hang out with aren't like this (so don't think it's about you because it isn't) but I think it's something to think about and consider. I think I went through a quick little "oh I'm so jaded and I hate being Progressive" whine session, a few posts ago, but snap back to reality and that's just what it is. A trap and an excuse.

A real thoughtful post was way overdue anyway, but I think I just had to let the right emotion build up before churning out anything useful. Ahh. Sleeptime foreal. So on a happier note:

Happy Holidays to the world!

From our President

2009-11-28T16:30:00.001-08:00

I'm on the mailing list...and here's the nice email that was sent out for Thanksgiving.

Friend --

Tomorrow, Thanksgiving Day, Americans across the country will sit down together, count our blessings, and give thanks for our families and our loved ones.

American families reflect the diversity of this great nation. No two are exactly alike, but there is a common thread they each share.

Our families are bound together through times of joy and times of grief. They shape us, support us, instill the values that guide us as individuals, and make possible all that we achieve.

So tomorrow, I'll be giving thanks for my family -- for all the wisdom, support, and love they have brought into my life.

But tomorrow is also a day to remember those who cannot sit down to break bread with those they love.

The soldier overseas holding down a lonely post and missing his kids. The sailor who left her home to serve a higher calling. The folks who must spend tomorrow apart from their families to work a second job, so they can keep food on the table or send a child to school.

We are grateful beyond words for the service and hard work of so many Americans who make our country great through their sacrifice. And this year, we know that far too many face a daily struggle that puts the comfort and security we all deserve painfully out of reach.

So when we gather tomorrow, let us also use the occasion to renew our commitment to building a more peaceful and prosperous future that every American family can enjoy.

It seems like a lifetime ago that a crowd met on a frigid February morning in Springfield, Illinois to set out on an improbable course to change our nation.

In the years since, Michelle and I have been blessed with the support and friendship of the millions of Americans who have come together to form this ongoing movement for change.

You have been there through victories and setbacks. You have given of yourselves beyond measure. You have enabled all that we have accomplished -- and you have had the courage to dream yet bigger dreams for what we can still achieve.

So in this season of thanks giving, I want to take a moment to express my gratitude to you, and my anticipation of the brighter future we are creating together.

With warmest wishes for a happy holiday season from my family to yours,

President Barack Obama

Kind of nice, don't you think?

Home Sweet Home

2009-11-23T03:14:00.005-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

Made it to LA on Saturday, and it's been great so far. Just nice to be home and relaxing and comfortable after such a crazy month on the island.

Always thinking about how it's going to be to move back home, of course, but I just know I'll be totally ready for it come March. Without a doubt Hawai'i will be missed, but I'll be ready for that next chapter of that thing we call life.

Just planning on spending quality time with Mom, Dad, sis and the cat, and I'm excited. Also going to get to see Aya and hopefully at least a few buddies! That'll be nice too. One whole week! Yay for LA.

Life is so good that I get scared. Like, I remember Charlotte saying on one episode of Sex and the City...something to the effect of, "I'm afraid of being so happy because it just feels like nobody's ever this happy for long...and soon it'll all be taken away." When things are so good, who's to say it can go nowhere else but down? I know, it's awful negative. I just really love things right now, and I want it to so bad to be this way forever.

And then I hear stories of people, those people that your friends know: like the friends of friends. The ones that aren't happy because "life didn't turn out" the way they had planned, or wanted, or thought it would. My life always has been, in the big picture, near perfect up to this point. It's been everything I've wanted because somehow or other, I or someone or something made it happen. I've been privileged enough to have things that way so far.

Just trying to stop being so afraid...and going to just enjoy it all. While I can, you know?

Looking forward to a great, gluttonous Thanksgiving with family this weekend. No hosting! We get it all to ourselves this year.

Hope you all have an awesome weekend too.

Getting ready

2009-11-09T22:46:00.008-08:00

So many things going on in the world, I feel like I can barely keep up with current events, when I can barely keep up with my own personal commitments as it is.

In that sense, thank goodness for the technology takeover making news and resources more readily accessible. Lots of talk about the new healthcare reform bill that passed the House, and I've been reading a bit about it via NAPAWF, friends' blogs, and Race Wire.

Leave it to Dennis Kucinich though, to tell it like it is!! There may be lots to celebrate with this one gain, but clearly it's not the be-all-end-all. Glad that there will be people to say this bill is not perfect -- there's a ton of work still to be done. Kucinich voted "No" - as long as healthcare stays private, it's not really going to be for the people.

Still, def happy about this first victory with this bill. I think it could do a lot of great things for our people - especially young people!

Lots of talk lately, locally, about the state of Hawaii's economy, and all of this furlough business going on. Didn't think it would, but it's definitely affecting state workers now, social workers out at the correctional facility included. It's really rough, and what can be done? I think to a lot of folks furloughs are doing more harm than good...but this state's economy and the mayor are most definitely between a rock and a hard place, to say the least. Even a hotel or two has had to close it's doors to tourists. I guess we all can only wait and see what happens next...and meanwhile make the most of the rough situation. The prison has kind of been in a mess, on the admin level too. It hasn't really affected us directly yet, but it's unsettling to hear that folks out there are having such a hard time.

Sometimes I can't believe we live in these times. Like things are so bad it gets surreal.

On a more personal note, just barely got through the weekend. In between a bad cold, and easily 10-12 hour days nearly everyday with taiko, I thought I was going to die, really. Taiko as a 7 day commitment just doesn't fly with me. I'm hoping it'll really settle after this Saturday, when we have the "percussive dance" project, aka bharatanatyam but not really because we're not very good.

Symmetrical SS went well on Friday, but there was def some internal group drama. Made me just one step closer to being ready to go home. Maybe I'm searching, but maybe I'm really that ready. Little by little I realize I can't stay here forever. Anyway, just feeling accomplished having gotten through the crazy week, and trying to stay alive for 7 more days.

To stay sane, I've just had to rely on hogging whatever sleep hours I could manage and immerse myself in good music.

Raiatea and 2PM will do it for me.

SEXY!!

From the Brain

2009-11-03T01:54:00.003-08:00

I've been holding onto this a while, but I found this a few weeks ago in a NY Times article called "Held by the Taliban" by David Rohde. It was all about his experiences as a hostage in Afghanistan, and this excerpt particularly stood out to me:

One evening, Abu Tayyeb declared that the Taliban treated women better than Americans did. He said women in the U.S. were forced to wear revealing clothes and define themselves solely as sex objects. The Taliban protected women's honor by not allowing them to appear in public with their faces unveiled.

My captors saw me - and seemingly all Westerners - as morally corrupt and fixated on pursuing the pleasures of this world. Americans invaded Afghanistan to enrich themselves, they argued, not to help Afghans.

In some ways, it just totally works, this point of view. Objectified women in the West, and the self-interested country that is America. Anyway, I just had to share it.

I feel like I've been too mentally and physically tired out to really put down here everything I would really like to, because taiko is eating me alive. I keep telling myself, "Just a few more weeks!" but then it feels like I had been telling myself that since a few MONTHS ago. Hopefully it'll all come to an end soon, you know?

On the upside though, I can play Symmetrical Soundscapes now!! For those that don't know, it's a pretty challenging piece that Sensei wrote, and I'm just glad I can play the 4 person version. Performance of it is this Friday. [end brag session]

Most of all I'm looking forward to home time for Thanksgiving. Being home will be such great recuperating time.

Andy was gone for the past week, and I have never been so stressed out having to drive around the island to work with these kids. It wasn't even the work itself that stressed me out, I think it was the driving! But by the end of the week I think I had done it so much that I kinda just got used to it. Driving a Tacoma is not = driving Corolla like back home. Driving such a big car can be scary to maneuver, partic bc the bed of the truck is hard to judge...but luckily it all worked out! Thank God. (or you know, whoever)

Spent my Halloween weekend CHILLIN, no costume or festivities this year because I'm really that worn out. Did see Paranormal Activity though, and I must say, that movie is the SHIT!!!! Would definitely recommend it to anyone who's game. Absolutely in my top 5 fave Horror movies...and maybe even in my top 3!

Finally got to have a nice, long chat with my sis over the phone, I'd missed her and my family.

So another week of ridiculous taiko, 7 days this week as is now the usual (for the past 3-4 weeks), and I am trying my best to just hang in there!! I tell people to do it all the time, and I guess it would be good to try and take my own advice.

Hisashiburi!

2009-10-20T00:59:00.002-07:00

Holy geez, it's been forever since I posted last.

I had a lot of great ideas but things have kind of exploded here and I've been so suddenly busy that time has just flown by and I barely realized it.

I wanted to blog about growing up labeled HG, about working in the prisons, about my future in nonprofit and law, but I'm going to procrastinate on that all since I feel exhausted now and just want to post something as an update.

Lots has happened in the past almost-month. Taiko is super duper busy now, we're prepping for a couple of big things in November, and on the 14th we're doing this slew of new taiko projects, including a collaboration with Bharata Natyam. It's my favorite kind of classical Indian dance - except we actually have to DANCE it. Somehow I, unlike other taiko members, got sucked into doing it with 2-3 other girls, except I SUCK real bad and can't even follow during class. It's really discouraging but they won't let me quit! I'm really good at playing the drum part, but they're seriously making me dance and it's super frustrating. This rarely happens, but this is one of those things that I REALLY don't want to do...only I'm stuck and it sucks balls foreal.

I'd like to give a big Fuck You to this situation - to not being able to do it and just being tired. (I still love Bharata though)

Also my back is all messed up so I was kind of in a foul mood, not wanting to be at the practice tonight.

Felt like such a waste of time.

Aside from being a Debbie Downer about that one....

work has been good, Kelsey's time here was amazing and such a blast as always, I've been getting better at fue, taiko gigs have been going well, and I've been seeing someone new.

Life is good, really, I can't complain.

Melissa came to visit me, and it was great, it was so nice to see her after a whole year, and she got me thinking all about Law School, and rejuvenated my Progressivism. (sorry about the cin gum, melissa, I still feel bad about that)

All that's left to do is await the impending dilemma - Progressive politics, or financial security?

I think I'll be good, all the way up until it's time to graduate and really find a job. Public Interest would satisfy my integrity, my need to fulfill my personal political and social responsibilities, to work in social justice and be happy that way. But the pay is absolutely unreal, and after living out here on my own, I know firsthand the difficulties that come with long hours and low pay. It's really frustrating sometimes, especially when you can't afford the things you NEED in life, much less the little luxuries that help relieve everyday stress. It might seem superficial, but real talk, it's not. This a serious life consideration for me.

A private law firm would address that money problem, paying nearly twice as much in salary, but I would have to sellout in some way and to some degree at least...and honestly right now I don't know which would make me happier (or sadder). It's like this lose-lose situation I'll have to face sometime soon.

I'm excited to start the process, but like I told Mom, I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I get there. Maybe more in a later post, too.

Feeling like I'm becoming more attached to the island - picking up the speak, loving the people, appreciating the land - but I still have this unbreakable connection to home and dedication to my career plans, so little by little I guess I'm accepting that my time here will have to come to an end. i.e. I'll be ready in March to be back in LA.

We'll see where everything is in 5 and a half months or so.

2NE1

2009-09-29T04:50:00.003-07:00

A more "real" post later, but when I grow up I wanna be them. The swagg is irresistible.

Fierce.

SERIOUSLY,

2009-09-28T01:53:00.002-07:00

what. the. fuck.

This incident at the Cracker Barrel is infuriating and so ridiculous.

I can't believe we still live in a world like this. With people like this. If you can even call them people.

At least Colbert gets it. (I really wanted to embed it, but it wouldn't work for some reason.)

Credit to Race Wire.

Geez Louise, this America we live in....people like Beck and Limbaugh need to just kick the bucket already. Lily Allen has the right idea.

Oh where, oh where....

2009-09-24T02:34:00.006-07:00

Seriously, where has the past month and a half gone?? Almost 2 months now.

It seems like just yesterday I came back from that trip with Aya, and as it is, August just came and went. Now September too!

It just dawned on me today, as I got out of the shower, that September is almost over, and it's totally tripping me out. Like where have I been the past 60 days!?

Almost...like my very own Rip Van Winkle experience, but way way less time.

Mini concert at Brigham Young University this Friday, so lots (kinda) of preparations for that this week. It's all Mormon-ed out there, so that might be interesting, performing in Kahuku and repping the fully clothed, no sugar consuming, no alcohol or drug participating, super straightedge community. These people, as Andy says, "walk the talk."

Lately I've had these fleeting daydreams about, instead of becoming a lawyer, moving to Japan and becoming one of a growing number of female traditional Japanese musicians. Like doing nagauta and playing hogaku, noh, or kabuki music. Yeah, totally unrealistic for LA loving, non-fluent, HI chillin me, but after Hogaku and fue practice today, I was totally just like wow. I could see myself dedicating my life to playing music like this. In a way, so much deeper than kumi daiko.

It's nice to trick myself into thinking I can do that every so often.

Maybe there's a way to be a traditional Japanese music playing, practicing attorney.

That's a good one, right?

I think I'm just real sad this all has to come to an end and I don't see how it'll continue in LA. But home is home, and there you have it.

One chapter done at that point, the next chapter to begin.

As a subject change, can't wait to see Michael Moore's Love Story. Just saw him on Colbert and it looks like it's something to anticipate!

Also, going tomorrow to see the Hawai'i showing of "A Song for Ourselves," the Chris Iijima film. The Endos knew him personally! They're seriously like local community celebs when it comes to knowing all the big activists of the 60s to the 80s. Protests, rallies, pilgrimages, newspaper articles and all. Amazing. Anyway, that should be exciting.

Speaking of exciting, Kelsey coming in October! Yay! Makes me think about how much I'm anticipating my next big trip. It's like SEA was just the beginning. (right Aya?? haha)

Life's Trampolines

2009-09-19T01:45:00.002-07:00

Good things (and good people) come at unexpected times.

Traveling to Hilo tomorrow for a performance that I hope goes well, since it's a precursor to next week's mini-concert performance. If I suck tomorrow, chances are I'll suck next week too. So with enough work, I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping.

Next week will be busy, so I'll find out then if it'll be a blessing or a curse. Work starts again, I plan on going to kendo practice a little more consistently, plus taiko as usual and then some.

This month is going by so fast. Once September is over, it'll be one month down and five more to go! Aahhh!

Late night and MJ

2009-09-17T02:40:00.010-07:00

A couple of nights later, and my previous long post seems a little harsh. I'm aware it could've been construed as offensive to people who do work for those causes everyday of their lives for many many years, and I hope it wasn't taken as something negative that way. I was just venting about the badgering thoughts that have been my only friend as of late, these restless several days. But it's true, isn't it? It's tiring. And I think Hawai'i life has been wearing on me. Well, I mean, just politically.

Yet another reason to yearn for LA.

I totally miss my family and friends, and as great as people are here, it's not the same. The truth is, I've been feeling kind of alone lately. Strange.

Had Hogaku tonight, and that was almost great, except it had to be cut short, unfortunately. Unforeseen circumstances.

Watching Oprah now, and it's an episode where she recalls, with commentary, her very first interview (THE very first interview) with MJ back in something like 1993. His innocence and gentleness are remarkable. The alarm just went off in the middle of their interview.

Anyhow, he was dating Brooke Shields at the time. So interesting.

There really was a mystery about him - the way he talks about his life, his childhood, his music, his love life, everything. He's just very likeable, in this interview. Though, he seems lonely. And sad, too.

On another note, there are some incredibly strange things happening on this computer. It's doing weird things, like my cursor disappears, or like the other day, it started freaking out and when I shut it to make it stop, it wouldn't turn it back on. I had to pull out the battery and restart it.

My cursor isn't showing as I type this up now. Frustrating.

One restarted computer later, I'm back now.

Taiko will be interesting at the very least, the next few weeks - prepping for a mini concert next Friday, going to Hilo this Saturday to perform, going to Maui in a few weeks - at least there's stuff to look forward to from a performance standpoint. Also I'm going to try and get as much fue training as I can the next 6 months, while I can.

Lots of thoughts lately about my impending future. And after an exciting email exchange with Megatron, it's left me with a lot of thoughts about my politics, law school, and where I'll end up in say, 5 to 8 years. Really.

Had a great few days, so hope it only gets better. Work starts next week too, maybe the kids will brighten up my mood.

Back to Oprah and MJ.

EDIT - He just danced for Oprah and I think I had a huge orgasm.

Homesick.

2009-09-15T15:30:00.001-07:00

Yeah, like one year too late.

Hoping it'll pass.

Idle

2009-09-15T03:42:00.003-07:00

Yes, back in Honolulu now, and all is well, but somehow, things feel different.

Maybe it was just the month away - a month of hometime, a month of intensely awesome traveling with Aya to Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam, and even Korea briefly - but I feel unsettled, a tad. Like being back here isn't where I'm supposed to be right now.

It is only 6 months, and I know that from a taiko standpoint it's what I need, but I think staying out here too long is leaving me feeling unfulfilled.

Granted, I haven't had work for the past week and don't even know yet when work will start, so I've been sitting on my ass trying to 1) relax, 2) not get fat, and 3) feel useful. Yeah, I do need to enjoy the chill time while I can because law school will destroy me, but even that is way far off. I think I'm just becoming restless with all this free time. That, and laziness is a bitch.

I mean, it's my one handicap I think, from being incredibly productive right now. So I guess in that sense, the fact that I feel this way is just my fault, you know?

Anyway, I'm just complaining and whining I know, so I've just got to try to stay focused and get done as much as possible while I'm here. That writeup project on JA community women included. I've really got to get CRACKING on that, and it's so hard to stay motivated. So hard to stay on my shit, foreal.

Instead I've been occupying my time with tv, korean pop music, and just way too much useless fluff. My brain is going to become mush. My body too. Well, maybe, though thank god for taiko or I'd be like, dead right now.

This post is such a rambly one. But I won't apologize for it, because it is what it is.

I'll just get back up and do my shit. haha. So dumb.

But really, to get more specific, I'm relating things like eating a bag of Hurricane popcorn to life. I sat on the couch watching one of countless programs I've watched on tv the past week, and thought to myself:

A bag of hurricane popcorn. I avoided all that kaki mochi because I didn't think it would taste good. Then fast forward to the bottom of the bag, and I accidently threw some kaki mochi in my mouth with all that popcorn. Lo and behold, it tasted amazing. But by the time I realized it, there wasn't enough popcorn to go with the kaki mochi. So goes life.

I was so proud of myself because it was the most profound thing I'd done all day. Ridiculous.

That and I think of things like how my progressive politics are becoming more and more difficult to reconcile with not just Hawaii life, but all the stuff I see everywhere in life, from tv, to everyday conversations. Healthcare, misogynistic comments on facebook and mtv and everyday life, racial slurs slapped on every local joke, unrealistic media portrayals of "beautiful" women, and I dunno. It drives me crazy sometimes. Like does everything I believe in become totally useless??

Everyone knows what the problem is. But who can actually change it? Sure, the work is incremental, but even then, where does that take us? We know what we need and what we want - at least I do - but in the end, we still don't see the kind of change that really needs to happen. Instead there are compromises and negotiations, or maybe no action at all.

Sigh.

All this time off obviously isn't very healthy for my optimism about social issues. At my core, I know, the work is important, some effort is better than none at all, blah blah etc etc. I'm just saying. It's fucking tiring being Progressive.

I think I just need some what are they - endorphins? And go exercise and have a banana, the happy fruit. :)

Finally home

2009-09-02T00:55:00.004-07:00

Well at least, for a little while.

The trip to Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam with Aya was amazing. Things I brought home from my trip other than the obvious:

- a new obsession with 2PM, the new KPop group

- terrible jetlag

- a brand new playlist from all the nights of Southeast Asian MTV versions

- a new appreciation for LA and home

- the newest issue of Rolling Stone about the Beatles' breakup, as well as an enlightening article on the Democrats' and Obama's work (or lack thereof) on healthcare reform

I think more importantly is what I didn't bring home: bedbugs. At least so far so good.

It's late and I should be sleeping, so more updates soon to come on the trip and all. I'm really glad we did it, and frankly impressed that we were so productive, especially having been on our own for most of it.

My last few days in LA before it's back to Honolulu to live out my last 6 months there. It'll be a crucial time!

Back home in the LA

2009-08-05T00:41:00.002-07:00

Being in LA has been so great - catching up with old friends and being home with family - it makes me realize how much I miss everyone, and how nice it'll be to be back here again, living at home.

I am looking forward to moving back here, that's for sure - but I'm also glad I have 6 more months in Honolulu, since life there is always so good to me (the people too, undoubtedly). The next half a year is really going to go by fast though I'm sure, so it'll just be about enjoying myself.

Taiko conference will be ridiculous, but hopefully good things come out of this volunteering too, haha. We'll see.

Don't have much else, except that I feel all warm and fuzzy inside, seeing everyone I've missed so much!

Here I come

2009-08-01T13:03:00.001-07:00

Getting ready to leave soon for LA!

So excited. Hope the flight isn't too bad with this damn cold! yayyy

I think I'm still on LA time

2009-07-23T03:06:00.003-07:00

Oh man. (woman? Is that phrase sexist?) What a week.

Just got back from a great, but short, week in LA for sister birthday celebrations, and came home to Honolulu. Missed the humid, cleaner air, and my taiko ohana. It's nice to be back, and kind of brought about musings about how well I'm going to adjust back to LA life. But I suppose that can be for another time.

Have been trying to be a good friend to someone in need all week, and although I'm happy to do it, it is exhausting.

One, yes, because it can become hard to be there for someone 24 hours of the day, but mostly because - two, the hurt and emotional pain she's dealing with is a result of a relationship situation that is all too familiar.

I think it became hard for me when I realized every story she tells, every description of the feelings she experiences, is unpleasantly similar to everything I went through at some point in my college life. What a mess. I know what she is going through, I know what she has to go through to get to "being okay," and - I dunno. Too many old feelings. Even worse, the feeling of - "I know this is hurting me and I am so unhappy all the time but I can't take myself away from it." It's so sad to watch a close friend have to endure something like that, and know that the only thing that will make it better is time. I even gave her my Zen tarot cards to help her with the ordeal (it works when you really need it most).

The good news is, I considered churning out some profound artsy emo piece but I don't think I'm going through those feelings anymore...so it wouldn't even work.

Thank goodness for being past that. Finally.

Too personal? Sorry. It just felt like blog material at the time.

Less than 2 weeks before I'm back in LA again and August adventures begin. Lots of things to do, and plenty more wonderful people to seeeeeee - can't wait!

What the real world shows you

2009-07-06T21:18:00.004-07:00

As I work on this long overdue project about Japanese American women and the gender dynamics they encounter in their work, I am reminded about and confronted with some of the issues discussed in my interviews - namely, a college student's politics and its evolution post-graduation.

For college activists, the experience is fierce. It's enlivening, empowering, exciting to talk about and condemn certain groups on issues, and to fight on the right (as in, correct, NOT right-wing) side of things. It makes us feel alive to be angry at something when the world suddenly makes sense - to be angry at the government, the (white) people in power, the privileged, the ignorant, or those that are all of the above.

But one year later, I have to ask myself - where did all that go?

In some sense, nowhere. I still carry a strong belief in a lot of my progressive politics, but I think I have a better grasp on reality now. Current college activists might call it "becoming moderate," or selling out in some way. If my college self knew my current self, I'd do the same. I'd call myself names and feel a little pissed off, frankly.

I felt this way about some older folks, or folks in the JA community, or just people I'd meet on an everyday basis. It was always something caustically critical, about how these people could think a certain way or not take action on a certain thing.

Don't get me wrong - I also still have some of those criticisms saved up for choice folks in my world - but in general, I really needed to just cut those groups some slack.

That entry I wrote months ago about the JA community, for example. That's a prime instance of college politics. Not being afraid to speak out about something, in a way that might offend others and done in a tone that's incredibly self-righteous.

A lot of what I said I don't necessarily take back, but I think what I am going to change or modify is that statement about determination to work in that community. Because the reality of it is, I don't think that's where my passion or my niche really lies. There are already so many people doing amazing and effective work that will last a long time for both the Japanese American and Little Tokyo communities. If I entered that work based on the feelings I was experiencing then, it would only be to prove something to myself and to others. And that should never be the reason for doing that kind of work. For any kind of work, really, but for community-oriented ones especially.

My time away has done wonders, and going through experiences like teaching at a local public high school in Honolulu or teaching prison youth really put me in my place. A college student knows a lot of things theoretically, but throw her into the fire, and it's a whole different story. Suddenly the rhetoric becomes life, and life is really hard to deal with; not that easy to fix. It's the reality of why folks who are IN the work, foreal, for life, become so jaded with the way our system, our world, and our society work.

Megumi said that's why we need the youth, for their energy and inspiration. Because it's a tough and ugly world out there, and sometimes seeing them so excited and eager to affect positive change in our communities is a refreshing thing for us.

It's so very true.

I'm not a jaded individual, not just yet. I still have some of that college activist swagg, but now with a taste of what real work can bring. I am still dedicating myself to community work, no doubt, and I am absolutely excited for what the future brings.

One day older, and perhaps just that much wiser.

Bring it on.

How can you not love it

2009-07-01T03:42:00.002-07:00

see more Lol Celebs

I apologize, that my blog has become a reposting site for the Lolseries. I just can't help myself, and it makes me feel good to update everyday, even if it's not a real thoughtful or particularly meaningful post.

Coming soon: a more original post on post-undergrad progressive politics.

O hai

2009-06-29T20:03:00.001-07:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Also, for your MJ enjoyment:

Jane Lui is the shit.

And so is Alfonzo Ribeiro, aka Carlton.

Peace.

Just one question.

2009-06-25T13:35:00.000-07:00

WHY!?

Free Iran

2009-06-24T23:20:00.003-07:00

Green is the color of the moment, of the need for freedom for the Iranian people.

Read here for more information (on facebook):

The 101 on the Iranian situation.

I definitely am trying my best to stay informed about the situation. It's not easy, that's for sure.

And of course now, the Republicans are criticizing Obama for not taking a strong enough stance on the issue. Oh great, so now you care about worldwide human and civil rights issues? The same people who are for torture of "terrorists?" Get out of here.

The people of the US need to voice opposition more than the government does. But like Reza Aslan said on the Daily Show, "thank GOD for Barack Obama."

A good laugh

2009-06-23T04:24:00.001-07:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

It's a little gross, that this cat is like, this huge.

Anyway haha, having a good 'ol time being a little lame, since my ankle is going to take a while to heal. Going to try and find the good things that can come out of it.

Had a great weekend though, I am so glad.

FML

2009-06-19T12:17:00.002-07:00

I've been worked constantly for the past month from all sides - taiko, work, friends. I think the nonstop-ness especially of the past few weeks has manifested itself in this week long cough with slowly developing mucus and my newly messed up ankle.

I was just trying to go for a run, and now I can't even walk around the house!

What's a girl to do!?

I'm such a teeny bopper

2009-06-18T02:34:00.005-07:00

I haven't been able to get enough of the Wonder Girls lately - oddly enough, I randomly stumbled across them on YouTube one day, and this one and their other popular single, Nobody, just stuck with me. Turns out, they're making an American debut sometime this year. Yeah, they're bubblegum poppy and seemingly cookie cutter, but who cares? Their English skills impressed me, and they're cutesies. It's a lot of fun.

The song below isn't going to be released in English, but "Nobody" and another song will be. For your enjoyment:

It's been an amazing past month or so - the group of friends I've made out here are just so awesome! Clubbing for birthdays, weekend staycations to Maui, just hanging out every weekend - it's really been so much fun. Makes me really glad to be extending my stay here another 6 months. I will be leaving so much when I move back home.

But, so much going on - taiko has been crazy lately, and then home time in July, then again in August. It'll be amazing.

And of course - HAPPY BIRTHDAY AYA! I hope 23 and the year is everything you hope it will be.

Lastly but certainly not least, mad respect for T Swift after this shit. hahaha

Just because

2009-06-16T17:44:00.003-07:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

This world

2009-06-06T00:49:00.007-07:00

Had a great discussion with Alex last night as I watched the Matrix on television. Such a brilliant movie, for so many reasons - definitely one of my top 3 movies, and my source for analogies to progressive politics. That, and Keanu Reeves is a hottie.

Just wanted to post this, direct from Yglesias:

NR’s Sotomayor Cover

So National Review decided to run this very odd cover image of Judge Sonia Sotomayor:

It seems that what happened was that, as conservatives are wont to do, they tried to do something that would be racist, but also arguably not racist. Hence, instead of depicting a Latina with a racist stereotyped image of a Latina, they depicted her with a racist stereotyped image of an Asian. It’s hard to know exactly what to make of that. But National Review editor Rich Lowry seems to have known exactly what to make of it since as this post makes clear he was anticipating people criticizing the imagery.

At any rate, then he waited around a bit, got the accusations of racism he was waiting for, and then got to engage in every white conservative’s favorite passtime of wallowing in self-pity and calling his accusers humorless.

Unfortunately, there’s not a good shorthand term for the psychology behind this kind of behavior. “Racism” doesn’t, I think, capture it. But there’s this deranged fascination with walking up to the line and dancing around there in hopes of getting called on it. Then you get to become indignant. Because, again, the contemporary right’s main view on race is that actual racism against non-white people is only a tiny problem compared with the vast social crisis that allegedly exists around people being vigilant against racism.

Hat tip on this to Brian Beutler who adds a funny unrelated joke “Also featured on the cover in the current issue: ‘Jonah Goldberg On His Critics.’ That better be a long article.”

It's so true, about this "walking up to the line and dancing around" business and then pulling the indignant card about how it's the offended's fault for taking it too seriously and being humorless or unappreciative of the type of humor.

Instead of an F bomb I'm just giving this a huge fat throbbing middle finger. People who dance on that line should be figuratively shot in the face.

The Daily Bruin did it with their article on "Asians" because it was supposed to be a funny satire; other college campus newspapers that have made the mistake of running "humor" racist articles or editorials claimed the same, and somehow they all think it's supposed to be funny to the rest of us. Readers who were offended? It's our fault for misunderstanding it.

Get out. Just get out.

This whole thing about Sotomayor is so ridiculous. White men - all about being color blind, except when a Latina is in a place of power like this. Here's another read, courtesy of Race Wire:

5 Reasons Why Only White Males are Supreme Court Material

This talking points memo must have landed in the wrong inbox…

TO: All red-blooded God-fearing Americans

RE: 5 reasons why white men are more fit for the Supreme Court than that Latina woman

• White men are objective. Women and people of color are inherently biased, making all their opinions suspect. This should automatically disqualify them from serving on the bench. White men look out for everyone and aren’t just interested in taking care of their own. Frankly, people of color are secretly “out to get” white men and would use whatever power they have to settle a score.

• White people are color-blind and can transcend race. Today’s racists and sexists are actually people of color and women who cling to their identity politics just for their own gain. Judge Sonia Sotomayor thinks that race shapes one’s experiences and perspectives and that diversity somehow makes things better. Her Puerto Rican roots must be coloring her views for she clearly has little understanding of America or its citizens. No wonder Newt Gingrich authoritatively labels her a “Latina woman racist.” White American-born straight men have secure identities and don’t need identity politics.

Indeed, whites don’t even see race because they don’t really have a race. They’re just part of the human race. They prefer to blend in without calling attention to themselves. And they know that if we’d all just ignore race, then racism would disappear. That’s why Chief Justice John Roberts, when striking down a voluntary school integration plan, nobly asserted, “The way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race.” In other words, race conscious remedies to address racial inequalities are, by definition, racist. Simple logic. It makes you wonder how the authors of the Brown v. Board of Education decision could have been so blatantly discriminatory.

• White men are more qualified. They consistently score better on standardized tests. That’s why they get into elite schools and high-paying jobs, fair and square, without any affirmative action. If white men excel, it’s only because meritocracy works. Those who make the rules and play by them deserve to succeed.

• White men have the right judicial temperament. The last thing our highest court needs is angry people of color, hysterical women, or both. White men have well-honed skills for staying cool and collected. And they’re less likely to be “activist” judges. In fact, we’d be better off with a strict interpretation of our original constitution--before it got all mucked up with amendments that gave too many people rights they didn’t even earn or deserve, like the right to vote. Look where that’s gotten us.

• White men are the new minority. White men are endangered, having to fend off reverse racism at every turn. With a Black president, who knows what could happen to the Supreme Court and every other sacred institution? Under our unwritten quota system, every vacancy sets off a bean-counting frenzy. Now, anyone and their cousin with dark skin or limited testosterone is instantly qualified for a seat on the Supreme Court. That’s why this nomination fight is the new ground zero of Pat Buchanan’s prophetic “culture war.” And it may well become the frontline of the war on terror. For it’s not just the survival of white men at stake, but the sanctity of our entire social order.

-----

In case you didn’t get the memo, the bottom line is that we all just need to be color-blind, and gender-blind. Except when a woman of color gets nominated to the Supreme Court.

I went to First Friday today, an arts oriented event that happens in Downtown Honolulu, and there are so many white people that come to these events. I felt like I was back in LA - its like an indescribable racial frustration I feel, reading too much into the white people that decide to walk slowly in front of me and then stop to watch while I'm watching a performance, or do other similarly seemingly rude things. It'll sound ridiculous to a lot of you, but I'm just programmed that way.

I am going to have such a hard time when I have to move back home - to the swarms of white people, everywhere.

If I could, I would jam an enormous red pill down every one of those racist conservative throats. Especially the white ones.

A new month

2009-06-04T04:06:00.011-07:00

Time sure is flying by. I can't believe it is already June and I have been in Hawai'i for about 10 months now.

Lots has happened, a Maui trip this past weekend in particular, and I saw Drag Me To Hell tonight. Crazy movie, very Sam Raimi, left me pretty exhausted emotionally. It is a stressful movie, but in a good way, as strange as that may sound. Just see it, you'll see what I mean.

The trip to Maui was pretty amazing - I have to admit, I was kind of excited about just taking the trip, but I had no idea what a blast it would turn out to be.

We watched the sun rise out at Haleakala, got sunned out at Ka'anapali Beach in incredibly hot weather, and had the most fun drunk night ever. Oh beer pong, how I had missed you.

Some pictures to share!

The sunrise went from this:

To this:

And finally to this:

It was pretty breathtaking to watch, and I think the most fun thing was just being with all of these great people. Yes, we drove out there ridic early and slept in the car til 4:30 am to watch this, but really, so worth it.

Yeah, I know, the finger. But it's such a great group picture. As for the night, one picture pretty much sums it all up.

Let's just say: alcohol, temporary tattoos, and way too much fun. I'll leave the rest to your imagination. I still laugh when I think about some of these pictures we took that night. You can see the rest of the trip here. On facebook, though.

Am done with the Kaimuki kids, we finished off our class with an amazing experience participating in the Lantern Floating Festival that happens every Memorial Day, out at Ala Moana Beach Park. Here are a few pics:

Above, my students with the lanterns they had made on a previous day. There are candles inside to be lit. Each lantern has names of people previously passed, written onto them by various folks and families. I put the names of my paternal grandparents on one of thousands of lanterns that were floated that night.

I know its a blurry picture, but it was really the best one of my students could take before my camera battery died. Bummer, but as you can imagine the spectacle was really beautiful. That, and it was a great last bonding experience with the kids. I'll miss it it later I know, but I like to be able to remember it positively like this. It was an unexpected learning experience for sure, being their teacher, and I am so appreciative to have had the opportunity to do it.

Anyhow, that's all I've got for now. Life here right now is just so wonderful, and I know I'm going to miss it all so badly when I have to move back home in March. Living it up, while I can! Yays.

Just more cat.

2009-05-25T15:44:00.001-07:00

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Lantern floating today, that should be interesting if not totally fun. Hopefully the kids will enjoy it.

Happy Mem Day.

Vogue Fail

2009-05-22T04:12:00.003-07:00

I know this was up somewhere before, but RACIST MUCH, VOGUE? yeesh.

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I don't care if he "knew" what he was posing for, the implications and insinuations of this picture are clear.

It will never end, will it?

And then, just to lighten the mood, this, just because:

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Malcolm X and Yuri Kochiyama - Happy Birthday yesterday

2009-05-20T20:51:00.005-07:00

May 19 - the day 2 great people were born (though 4 years apart - Yuri Kochiyama turned 88, Malcolm X would have been 84). I found this on RaceWire and it was so inspiring. It's just about Malcolm X, one of my heroes of all time. Written by Grace Lee Boggs (amazing!!), but posted from the site noted.

via www.adriennemareebrown.net/blog

yesterday was malcolm x’s 84th birthday. happy birthday el-hajj malik el-shabazz. here’s a wonderful post from grace lee boggs on knowing malcolm.

today i’ve been thinking about the violence of last night here in Oakland, and the lessons of malcolm’s life. at one point in his life, malcolm, aka detroit red, was engaged in a violent, survival-based life. he was doing cocaine, robbing rich people, menacing society, and shaming himself and his people.

the brother who committed this violent, awful crime last night is someone who has the potential of malcolm x within him. every single person who engages in desperate, violent acts, has that potential. for malcolm, it took going to prison, discovering god and humility, feeling the call to greatness and the power of words and service that was waiting in the wings of his life, finding himself and staying true to himself. his life was so short and so powerful, and it focused around this pivot to greatness. what would it take for the perpetrator of last night’s violence?

because i actually would go so far as to say that malcolm’s greatness came from the depths to which he had sunk. that is why his story stays with us, that is why we read his autobiography and then recommend it to people we love. that is why he was was our “manhood”, our “black shining prince”. because he was not just the story of a clean, neat life; doing the right things and succeeding personally. his was the story of vulnerability and impact - only by being vulnerable to his circumstances and his need for something greater could he transform into malcolm x. and only by being impacted could he know the full story of humanity - impacted by the place and time and people to which he was born; impacted by the circumstances of slavery and racism; impacted by desperation and ego; impacted by love, by god, by community.

the places he reached in the hearts and minds of those who heard him and followed were deep, and dark. the places where we hate ourselves, and believe we are inferior; the places where we believe we deserve no better. he used humor, ridicule and rhetoric to slip past the walls that surround the black community and say this tiny life of mental slavery and prison is not the way for us. we are a great people. we have to unshackle ourselves, and then love each other enough to free our greater selves - the community.

and that could have been enough. but at the end of his short life, when he could have chosen a road of limited but stable success, he humbled himself even more, he made himself even more vulnerable. he opened his heart to the people he had only ever thought of as his enemy, and saw that they too were human, were struggling, were creatures of deep spiritual potential.

i hold malcolm x in my mind’s eye when i think of what happened last night. i send my heart out to the little woman i held yesterday, and then send it out the further, harder journey to the man who beat her. i meditate on the humanity within him, the divine spark that he is holding, however deep down.

i hold malcolm x in my heart when i think of all of us, sitting with this unparalleled potential to love, restore, heal, grow and learn, pushing that part of ourselves down under layers of bitterness, sarcasm, hate, distrust, fear and even strategy.

can we reach out to those engaged in vastly different strategies than ourselves and ask to learn? can we travel outside of our comfort zones to grow our hearts? can we humble ourselves to the divine power so much greater than our individual needs that it can provide enough for everyone?

are we vulnerable enough to surrender? whether it is to forgiveness, or to greatness?

happy birthday, el-hajj malik el-shabazz. you humbled us all.

Get Real

2009-05-19T18:09:00.002-07:00

This will be brief because I'm not in much of a long-entry kind of mood, but I heard an incredibly sexist comment come out of a male in his late-20s today. As Andy said, "I didn't think they made them like that anymore."

Something about how a woman needs to cook a man his dinner when he gets home, and the way it was said? It was bad.

Seriously, fuck that.

You don't even have to be incredibly self-aware to know that's a ridiculous comment to make, even half-serious. Get a life, and learn how to respect women. Shit like this makes me so angry sometimes!

Not just humans (hoomins?)

2009-05-16T15:44:00.001-07:00

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I'm like becoming the cat lady.

Cutesies

2009-05-15T01:47:00.004-07:00

Got to watch concert footage today, so that was way fun. It was in lieu of the last half hour or so of practice, a good chill night.

Went into the prison 4 times this week, only to discover all 4 times that they were on lockdown. Apparently things are "out of control" out at the Hawaii Youth Correctional Facility (read: lots and lots of fighting). Anyhow, we saw a few clients today anyway, but had to go up to their module to work with them (instead of having them meet us in a room in the central area of the facility). They've been locked up in cells for days now without much relief from their cages, so they were glad to be let out for a little while.

I've been working mostly with the boys, since the girls' side is so much smaller and are in very different situations (i.e. not so long-term), and it's interesting being a woman and teaching them this class. It's a very gender heavy situation, what with them relating to Andy because he's such a cool and comfortable guy, and them relating to me because, well, I'm a female. That, and we can both get them in a good job setup after they leave.

It's just been an interesting situation, discovering what the gender dynamics are like on both sides (girls' side, boys' side) and seeing how that really affects that overall environment of the facility. The boys' side is very male dominated, with prison guards pretty much dictating everything that should happen and being very macho about their responsibilities (the perfect spot for exercising your male privilege, if you will), whereas the girls' side is much more laid back and everyone just seems to be much nicer, generally speaking. There are, of course, more female guards also, though the head supervisor there is a man.

I dunno, those thoughts were much more drawn out than I had originally intended.

I really just wanted to blog to post this:

Also can be found here, this pic and MORE on the site.

I found it off of Lynne's gchat message and I can't get enough cuteness now.

And then, this.

hahahaha

Okay scratch that last post, NOW my life is complete.

2009-05-13T19:50:00.003-07:00

I thanked AAM via email for posting about Count Me In, and this was his response:

Candice,

Had to do it. You guys rock. And that photo of you? AWESOME.

Phil
angryasianman.com

Hear that APC!? YOU ROCK! YAY!!

I think my life is complete.

2009-05-12T19:11:00.002-07:00

Angry Asian Man - 30 Most Influential Under 30: Count Me In

It's Hot in herrrrre

2009-05-11T19:48:00.007-07:00

I got bitten at taiko practice yesterday, not once, not twice, but like 8 times.

And now my legs look tumor-ridden, these bites have gotten so HUGE. I had to walk outside like this today. Hope the cortisone helps.

Watch Star Trek, it's the shit, foreal. Diversity win! (not only racially, but Spock is a HAPA FRIEND!) There could be more women, though. That was a serious thought mid-movie.

Watching Danny DeVito on Inside the Actors Studio. Brilliant.

Lolcat of the day.

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Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-11T02:21:00.001-07:00

Pics!

2009-05-07T03:52:00.009-07:00

Since I never post pics, here are some randoms.

Kelsey's beautiful new tattoo, courtesy of Hart and Huntington's, the Hawai'i version. It was such a great experience to sit through that with her, and it definitely inspired me to maybe, someday, get one of my own. Whether or not that will actually happen is anyone's guess. But this was great, and I hope she's excited as I am that it came out so amazing.

I really never go to the beach on my own, but with Kelsey around we had plenty of tanning and bonding time. I'm a nice few shades darker because of it. Good times.

From concert day! The month of April, during the concert experience, was the most stressful, tiring, and still great taiko-related month I have ever had to go through. The concert is really the reason I got so sick, but I think it was worth it. I'm glad though, these things only happen once a year. I can see it's FOR A REASON. Anyway here, with Courtney, Kelsey and Cara. Wonderful.

The rest of the taiko posse: roomie Maki, Greg, and Emi, celebrating my birthday, belatedly, at D&Bs. It was seriously the most fun Monday night ever. Lots of playing and laughing and eating and drinking. We won so many tickets that night!! Okay. One last one.

So a la Scott Chan, hahahaha a drawing. But it's not community or thought related at all. This is from a book Megumi gave me called "Do You Doodle?" and it is seriously the best invention ever. After a stressful day I can come home and draw random stuff to prompts like "Decorate the room for a party" or "There was an old lady who swallowed a..." and there are pictures like the above one to help set the stage.

Okay so now I remember why I never post pictures. It takes so. damn. long.

Sleep time!

Loopies

2009-04-30T21:41:00.002-07:00

Spent the afternoon reading other people's love letters whilst sick in bed.

Or, well, I wish that were completely true. Make that - had to drag my sick butt to work today, go help out with a taiko thing, and then walk my light headed self back home for a good mile.

And in between I read those love letters, and now I'm home in bed, finally, to try and get better before the weekend.

I got this "Other People's Love Letters: 150 Letters You Were Never Meant to See" book as a birthday gift from a girlfriend. Enjoying it thorougly, though it reminds me of every relationship I've been in.

I guess love themes are the same. The love, the hate, the guilt.

I've had the kind where you feel bad for treating the other person badly, but you really just didn't know how to say "no" and be completely honest with the other person and yourself. Or the one where you hate the other person for not trying enough. Or the one you always had to support and encourage because he didn't feel confident enough about himself, like ever. Or the one you could just never forget no matter how hard you've tried.

I've stayed angry for so long at my last relationship victim, when little by little, I guess as I grow, I realize I was probably just as much at fault as he was. So despite all the love and all the anger, I guess I'm really just sorry for everything. It's just easier to blame the other person when you've been through so much hurt.

It's been a while since I've been sick like this, and even though it sucks, I feel like I get sick when my body really just needs a break. So times like this I just feel relieved. It's exactly the excuse I need to stay in bed and sleep for hours on end without feeling too badly about it. As long as I don't get a fever I won't worry about swine flu.

Still, I try and wash my hands before touching people or people's things.

Back to my letters.

Care for a Quickie?

2009-04-27T03:04:00.003-07:00

- THE CONCERT IS DONE!! It was great and friends came and I was so happy. I got so many leis the rest of the team thought I was popular. Not popular, just lucky. Also super unbelievably exhausted, even after the day after (today). But at least the taiko insanity is briefly done. I am so happy I could sleep for the next week. Straight.

- My birthday was the shit. That last post sounded unbelievably self-centered but I did it in a hurry and I was really happy.

- I think I need to change blogs. I don't like that I have to be on a different account just to update my blog, because sometimes I do want to chat and update at the same time. I think the fact that I have to sign out of my regular account just to update deters me from updating more often.

- Just saw Maggie Gyllenhaal's Secretary movie, and it is the shit. Expect a lot of unconventional sexual themes, but I think that's what makes the flick so wonderful.

- Kelsey is leaving. Not only is she leaving, she's leaving me. But she's getting a tattoo first so I'm going to wake up early just to go with her. While she's doing that, I might as well update my own ear piercings. Add a few here and there, you know, that sort of thing.

- I had a revelation that I may be single for the rest of my life. By choice. And by Aya's inspirational comment, just adopt someday? Just a quick thought. Like all of these bullet points.

- Did I already mention Kelsey's leaving? Makes me sad. Ah well. Life goes on.

- I miss LA! In kind of a homesick way, but then not so much. It's just like, not being used to having been away for so long.

Happy Birthday to meeeee

2009-04-20T22:01:00.002-07:00

More updates and pictures later, but thanks everyone for making this year so wonderful!!!! You know who you are, much love! <3

Taiko-Party it up

2009-04-11T21:48:00.005-07:00

The month of April will be and so far has been so exciting because Kelsey Furuta is here. Like, seriously. That, and we have our Taiko Fest concert coming up on the 25th, and there's just so much work to be done. It'll be my first big performance with the Kenny Endo Taiko Ensemble.

But then, throw in work times 3 (teaching, taiko office, prison duties) plus a bajillion gigs in the next two weeks, and you get INSANITY. Absolute insanity, plus parties. You know, because Kelsey's back. AND it's t-minus 9 days before I become the big 2-3.

Three of us girlies went out to Level 4 last night, really the only significant clubbing experience you can get out here in Honolulu, and it was so much fun. After finding out I didn't have to volunteer out at the prison Saturday morning, Friday night had just gotten a whole lot more fun. I drank myself into oblivion, danced the night away with some random boy who was trying to ask me questions amid the blaring music (plus I was so far gone I had no idea what the hell he was saying to me), tipped the bathroom lady $5, and bonded with the two most amazing women on Oahu. I don't know what I would do without them, seriously.

Went to bed at 6 am, and have been recovering ever since I got out of bed. I admit, it's nice to have days like these sometimes.

Going out with taiko peeps later, that should be fun.

I got this awesome new book, called Golden Gulag, after Lisa Fu told me about this organization called Critical Resistance. Critical Resistance is an Oakland-based organization that is totally antiprison, and is all about getting rid of the PIC, understanding why California has turned to caging a disproportionate number of people of color, and working with prisoners' families to make sure these folks can get their loved ones out of the damn system. The founder of this organization wrote this book, and it's all about the growth of prisons in California, i.e. how the entire Prison Industrial Complex came to be, why it exists, and why prisons are completely detrimental to our society as a whole.

It's a great connection to the prison work I've been doing for the past few months, and also helps me think about how I might be able to continue that work when I leave here, although it would be in a very different way.

I did have thoughts though, about how reading this book might completely change my perspective on the work I do now with these kids, and maybe make me realize what's so messed up about the way things are done now. I mean, it's obvious that so many of these kids are just in and out of the system, not at all changing their behavior from age 11-18, hardly learning a thing about how to change their lives and turn things around. Plus, there's a lack of a long term support system for these kids. The state kinda just hands them over to a family member and everyone hopes for the best. And if they end up back in prison it's like, "Eh, oh well, that's where they belong anyway."

Pretty fucked up, right?

Anyhow, at least from a California perspective I think this book will give me what I need when it comes to background on the prison system, and fuel the fire when it comes to carrying out conversations with folks on this issue. I'm hoping it'll help me know what to talk about and how to discuss it if I'm ever put in that kind of a situation.

The world's been abuzz with that ridiculous situation with the Texas state rep. who made that blatantly racist comment about Asian names and then claimed "it's not about race." Seriously Brown, get a clue, and then educate your damn ignorant self.

OH, just had to say - did a taiko gig on Friday morning at Kawaii Kon - the Hawai'i equivalent of Cali's Anime Expo. It was the most unbelievably ridiculous thing EVER!! Just confirmed why I would never go to something like that. I just think the whole idea of that event is bizarre. It definitely commodifies Japanese culture in so many ways. I can't even believe we PLAYED TAIKO there. Just - shameful. So shameful.

Not to mention most of their "celebrities" signing autographs and speaking were white voice actors. I mean, REALLY!?

Accomplishments of the week

2009-04-06T23:12:00.003-07:00

- Ran the damn 5K. I'm glad I did it, but my body's not. Apparently I'm not in as great shape as I thought. Yay for Advocates of Public Interest Law!

- Saw Tenkaippin/Ultimate Japan people. I was so proud, even if nobody else really got it.

- Made Takikomi Gohan, albeit out of a packet, and had a food orgasm. Thanks ayas.

- Completed first class back from Spring Break. I realized two things: 1) I haven't cultivated a relationship with these students like I did first semester, probably because of size but other reasons as well, and 2) it was kind of nice to be back with them. After having them do evaluations, I realized they do appreciate the work I do in this class, even though they do want more fun activities and parties and stuff in class. hahaha all in all though, I do am fond of these students. A student from last semester came to visit, and I was SO happy to see her. It was a rewarding day at Kaimuki.

- Even though I was hurting from the 5K run on Sunday, I still did my daily workout. I think that made it all worse. I also still did taiko.

- Managed to eat healthy and stay sane today. That is an accomplishment anyday.

Some quickies

2009-04-01T22:31:00.004-07:00

- I saw Lisa Fu when she came to visit about a week ago - it was one of the best days of my Hawai'i life. Although the time went by entirely too quickly before she had to leave to catch her flight home, it got me really thinking about the kind of work I'd like to do when I get home to LA. i.e. I can continue my prison work, only in a much more progressive, social justice conducive environment out there. It would be an interesting continuation of the work I've been doing out here, and would give me an opportunity to learn more about the PIC.

- Been having back problems, went to get a massage today but not quite sure it did the job. We'll see tomorrow I guess.

- Tried out a tanning salon! Nice way to get an insta-tan, but now my butt is a little burned.

- Kelsey coming back to visit in a week!! So excited, but also a little anxious because it coincides with the month of TAIKO. Seriously. It'll be like all taiko all the time this April. But it'll just be too much fun with her here.

- April's fools joke of the day ("played" on me) was "You're hot, can I be your stalker? ..April fools!" Courtesy of a white girl at the tanning salon.

- Too many people are talking about the McDonald's filet o fish commercial. Correction: too many people are SINGING that damn song.

- Done with taxes finally, what a relief.

- Hip Hop Abs - it really does what it says. I would recommend it to anyone.

- Mythbusters on the Discovery channel is the shit! I can't get enough of this show!

- And finally, a gem I found on icanhascheezburger:

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Okay, let’s face it. Sometimes taking the red pill sucks.

2009-03-11T20:47:00.006-07:00

You can call it a caveat to any progressive, gung-ho, motivated piece I write or read or come in contact with.

After teaching at Kaimuki High School for about seven months now, I have to come to terms with the reality of my, and our, situations.

As someone who considers herself a progressive activist, I admit, I become quite cocky about my politics sometimes. Elitists in their own right, other progressives do it too. We all look down our noses at ignorant folk who don’t know the difference between equality and equity, at people who don’t know their Pacific Islanders from their Asian Americans, their liberals from their progressives, their genders from their sexualities, and so on. Especially coming out of college, that “swagger of a college kid” that T.I. talks about is ever so apparent, and for a long time, I thought I knew it all. My dominant personal politics were just that – strong, proud, and never afraid to throwdown (figuratively speaking, of course).

When I came out here to Hawai’i, for a bit I thought, oh, these people. These teachers, they don’t know what they’re doing, they don’t respect their students, etcetera, etcetera. I had no doubt in my mind about what I believed, about how I would run my class.

But fast forward to now, and I find myself these days with an ever-shifting attitude about my job. Over the course of those seven months, I’ve gotten to see what students at other high schools are like – how some of my Kaimuki students compare to the average student at other places. And to be frank, my students, due to their recent immigrant backgrounds or other family situations, lack a lot of basic grammar, critical thinking, and comprehensive reading skills. All of the skills we take for granted in everyday life, I have to try and explain or break down for them. It’s incredibly difficult to teach something you thought you – and everyone else - always just knew how to do.

Let’s be real. Every week, I’ve come to dread teaching now. Not because my students are terrible, but because this job is so incredibly demanding for so little reward. Perhaps it’s because I’m not a strict teacher – and I know that’s a part of it – but more so for other reasons, my students are kind of all over the place. Absences are common and so beyond my control. Technically, I’m supposed to fail every student who misses 3 or more classes, but if I did that, I’d only have two students in this class. Lessons take twice as long as they should because some students take longer to understand the material than others. It’s class, it’s gender, it’s race, the issues around immigration, all in play here, and I…well, just can’t seem to handle it.

It’s incredibly frustrating, and here’s my most recent example.

There’s a travel program that the organization that hired me is putting on. Basically no student from Kaimuki has even ever applied, so the organization urged myself and the school counselor to get students to apply – ONE student would be guaranteed to make it and be able to spend a few weeks on a high school-version study abroad trip to South Korea.

Of course, I had two students who said they would apply, and they asked me to write their letters of recommendation, which I had to take extra effort and time to complete. I set aside my own time to help them with their essays, make sure they understood and could complete the application. I was excited because this trip to South Korea would be an eye opening and once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for these kids.

Today, I found out neither of them submitted their application. For reasons I couldn’t quite understand.

It’s not that I don’t believe my students, and they both claim it was because of their parents, but to be honest they were more excuses, to me, than anything else.

I know it’s partly selfish to want for these kids what I think would have been great for them, but it was incredibly discouraging and disappointing to hear this.

Add that to poor attendance and you get me, constantly frustrated for reasons beyond my control.

More than anything, I want these kids to become empowered from this class, to learn something new – at least one thing each class – and understand something from this world. And while I understand I’m not failing – I do know the students can relate to each other and to me on a good level – I feel like the reward is just not justifying the effort.

As I write this, I feel more and more guilty for feeling this way. The work after all, is not about me, it’s about them, the community. But when it becomes burnout, then it’s an issue.

I feel guilty either way. If I leave this job, I feel like I’m not fulfilling my own expectations by staying in it and working with kids who could get some fun and educational life experiences from this class. But I know the longer I stay, the less I enjoy and appreciate it, and the more I dread it. Which isn’t right. These students should never have someone teaching them who doesn’t enjoy it and them.

Alas, let’s not even speak about the pay. I’m not complaining, but basically I do really need to make a living, and it’s hard with this job. It’s hard to know you’re working three times as hard as you need to, and it’s still difficult to afford everyday luxuries.

OKAY, so it’s not like I’m impoverished and of course there are others who are worse off than I. I’m not trying to make others feel sorry for me, I’m just saying it like it is. Now, more than ever, I understand that dilemma of having to make a living, versus do what is right and just for the community and for others.

Still, don’t get me wrong. I would choose the cause over money anyday, i.e. I would, without hesitation, choose a lower paying job that I’d enjoy over a high paying job that I’d hate every day of my life.

It’s just rough, and I’ve tried to justify it to myself by saying, I’m not cut out to be a teacher anyway. I talked to my mom about it the other day, and she said, “well, you never wanted to be a teacher, right?” Which is correct. I’m going into law someday.

But I guess it’s still a slap in the face to realize you aren’t enjoying the kind of work that can be really great for these kids.

I’ve pretty much decided at this point that I won’t continue this job after the end of this semester, because I think the kids deserve better. I love them, for sure, but it’s hard to love the work. I also realize that nothing is perfect, no setup, no nonprofit, no community job, is going to be everything it should be. But maybe I just don’t belong here.

Only time will tell, I guess. Meanwhile, I will just have to try my hardest to give these kids the kind of efforts they deserve from a teacher, and work to remind myself why it’s important.

OH YEAH -

2009-03-07T21:42:00.007-08:00

One more thing I had to vent about - CHRIS AND RIHANNA...REALLY!? I'm sure it's common in a lot of domestic violence-type situations for her to go back to him, but I mean, shit. To put it bluntly, the first time any man hits me would be the last. He would get what's coming to him.

I hope she is able to heal, inside and out. I also can't stand how Mekhi and Kanye are standing up for him - it's infuriating. I mean, foreal, putting a woman in a headlock after you've just beat her, then biting her ear, is no "mistake." Major. Bullshit.

AND another thing - why is the media (namely, E! news) trying to TRACK THEM DOWN!? Leave them the fuck alone, for goodness' sake!! GAWD, THIS SOCIETY!

Word of the Day: FRAZZLED

2009-03-07T21:30:00.002-08:00

It's been a rougher past few weeks than I had thought, I guess.

Took the Kaimuki kids to a conference today, and all I have to say is that I am exhausted. And a little disturbed.

I was simply exhausted after a day of watching over and helping the kids through a day of speakers and various activities, so after treating the kids to McDonalds and walking home in drizzle, suffice it to say the only I wanted to do was SLEEP. So that's what I did. I put on my sleep-time CD (Kobukuro's Greatest), turned off the lights, and peaced out.

But I woke up realizing I had just had the weirdest dream - a nightmare of sorts.

Get this: I had to pretend I was unconscious or half-dead for 8 days to circumvent a group of people who would otherwise try and kill my family. And after the 8 days, when it was time to come to life, they made the life threat on my family anyway. So I can't tell if I ended up better off or not.

I woke up realizing it wasn't the middle of the night, and that it was 7:05 pm. Needless to say, that "nap" felt like a 10 hour full night's sleep. Heavy, and my body feels so strange. It's like, I'm awake but not really. Almost still dreaming. That kind of trippy grogginess.

Nothing makes sense right now. Maybe there was some drug-ness going on in those two filet o fish sandwiches I had....

Hopefully a night in alone will remedy that tonight. Perhaps some episodes of the Wire will wake me up. Will tell you after another season or so whether it's worth watching.

---
Speaking of my students, they totally get along now. But I am SO drained after each day with them. I don't remember it being this tiring last semester - or maybe I was but my memory made it seem less so.

Everything has been busy lately, and it's only gonna get busier. Higher powers, help meeeee

Happy Love Day

2009-02-14T15:45:00.002-08:00

I won't say Happy V Day, since I know there are a lot of single people out there who hate this holiday. And even non-single people who hate it.

Anyhow, I just take it as an excuse to tell all the people I love that I love them, even though I'm significant-other-less. It's a great day, why waste it? No need to be angry or bitter or sad.

Just enjoy it.

So I wish all of you a great February 14, whether you're with friends, family, or a special someone today!

Drink wine, eat chocolates, and gormandize on great foods!

Tough times at K-muki High

2009-02-13T02:46:00.004-08:00

From yesterday:

Had one of my roughest days today.

Was really looking forward to class at Kaimuki, thinking I was more prepared to handle a large class full of girls (and one boy). I even took an hour and a half to prep materials today, which usually never happens because, well, it never takes that long. I thought I had it down.

But instead, I was in over my head. At least, today. I was so stressed after two of my students decided they would like to fist fight after school. They were both girls. Just some catty, meaningless shit went down and they threwdown. I was just so, I dunno. Caught off guard would probably explain it best.

I know this has nothing to do with me, but today's incident just stressed the hell out of me. It sounds lame, but I just care so much about the kids, and have a pretty good idea of how I want us to learn, to relate, to cooperate and coexist. But when two of your students decide fighting is more important, it's just frustrating. I also care a lot about how I should handle the situation, in a way that doesn't put down any of the kids, but rather, empowers them. Empowers them to make better decisions, to think differently, to challenge themselves and others.

But if they decide fighting is more important, what can you do?

I especially hate to see young women do this kind of thing to each other.

I think I was most overwhelmed because I felt so unprepared and a little helpless. I'm sure I've made the situation much more than it really is, i.e. this will probably be forgotten in a week, but I get anxious over how I should handle the aftermath in our next class, a week from now.

Maybe I just need to stop caring so much. I even lost naptime sleep over this because my mind was racing over what I could have, should have, will have to, do.

Thank goodness for Aya.

I know it'll be on my mind until next class, but hopefully the frustration and hint of dread at confronting and solving the problem will lessen each day. It always does, after all. It's kind of like, really looking forward to something, working super hard for it, and then having it all thrown back in your face. Real talk though, at this point, the prison dealio is WAY more rewarding. Infinitely more so at the moment.

And then fast forward to today.
It's all in the past, at least for now. I was able to talk it out with a few people, and I am not too stressed about it anymore.

The further bad news came about 8 am this morning, when the school counselor, who I had alerted about the incident, called me to let me know the fight had continued elsewhere and it ended up in one my students getting ganged up on.

I was being hard on myself for not being able to deal with a situation in a way that would have avoided the confrontation in the first place, but I guess it's out of my hands. And just my fucking luck, this is the first time the school has had to deal with an incident like this - at least, according to admin.

Anyhow, I'll just worry about how to deal with the situation next Wednesday, I guess. I'm kind of relieved Monday is a holiday, so as to give me ample time to think it through. One thing's for sure - the rest of the class is to be commended in stopping the fight when it first started outside the classroom.

Otherwise, can't complain about much else. My roommate, Maki Ino (no relation to Aya as far as we all know) is amazing. She cooks great, hearty meals for the both of us every night, and it's smooth sailing after practice. How lucky. Hooked up our new HD tv last night, rearranged the place - it's like a whole new living situation. Love it.

Here's to hoping next week runs a little more smoothly.

Much Ado About Nothing

2009-01-30T02:54:00.002-08:00

A poster I made for the kids, last semester, in my attempt to explain to them how the electoral process works. It was interesting to try and break something down for them in a way they could grasp, and it's always fun to draw these things.

Kaimuki starts up again next week, and I am excited. The curriculum last semester covered 3 main topics: Megacities (and their environmental issues), the Presidential Election, and then Aquaculture (fisheries etc).

But this semester, get this - the three topics: 1) Sustainability, 2) CHILD LABOR and 3) REFUGEES. It's like, stuff right up my alley, and there's so much I want to do it blows my mind. These topics are always of course in the context of Asia as it relates to Hawaii, so I'm really hyped about being able to do this with the kids. That combined with the trial and error results I was able to take from last semester, makes for a sum of, well, Candice is looking forward to this.

From talking to folks and working with some of the kids whenever I can get volunteer time at or around the prison, I'm just kind of baffled at the whole prison system in Hawaii. I'm not too educated about the PIC as it relates specifically to Cali, but out here it's, I dunno. There aren't even words.

And the system works for some kids, but mostly, these kids are so in and out - doing time and trying to finish their sentences when they've already done some time earlier for whatever. The thing is, some of these kids are good kids, they're just in tough situations and don't have the resources or the guidance to stop the cycle. I guess that's a no-brainer, but it's one of few observations I've been trying to take away from all this.

Of course taiko has been keeping me busy so it's been hard to do as much as I'd like, but I can't complain about taiko either. It'll be exciting to tell my kids and my grandkids about my days in Hawaii, studying taiko and pursuing the passion, at least for a little while. It was a revelation that crossed my mind, mid-odaiko lesson.

Been keeping up on a book Dawn gave me as a Christmas gift, a book of poetry by Nikki Giovanni. Not usually big on poetry, but this is really cool. All on an African-American woman's perspective, circa Civil Rights and on. About everything from love to loss to community to politics.

I grew up too spoiled to have to cook for myself most nights because I can't afford to eat out. I think I will either need to fix that, or come into some money once I've finally settled down. haha like that will happen.

Okay this post is going nowhere really, but it's always fun to ramble, blog-style. If you haven't listened to Sweet's Ballroom Blitz lately, do it. It's just too good to pass up.

A time for expression

2009-01-23T19:39:00.002-08:00

This - just something that comes to mind when I have a day all to myself, and no urgent errands or matters to tend to. It is a revelation that was brought on by a dream I had last night, and one that surprises me in so many ways.

Even after 4 years everything you’ve done for me resonates each day of my life. I dreamt about you, too, last night. It still happens, every so often, more or less catches me by surprise. Just when I think I’ve forgotten, I wake up with new memories, only to realize it was a creation of my subconscious.

In so many ways, your having been there, my having met you – has changed and affected me to an extent I could have never imagined. When I think of my goals, my aspirations, my dreams in life, I always think about what your opinions would be of them. Would you approve? Would you frown upon them?

Oftentimes, I make decisions based on how I think you would view them. Or what you would think of them.

I always wonder what my life would have been like without that kind of a lingering influence. Better? Worse? Of course I will never know, or maybe I will, sometime in the near and new future.

And even without the unexpected dreams, I still have the memories of what you used to be like, of all the great, as well as tough, times we shared together. Just like best friends would. A ramen place, a day at Disneyland, community work – insignificant, everyday reminders that shape themselves into my image of you. Even when I try to create my own memories, there is always something that brings me back to a link with you that already exists.

It’s interesting, to think that the person I am today might be attributed so much to the role you played in my life. It has undeniably helped make me a stronger person, in so many ways, and for that I of course have you to thank. It also makes me wonder how much of me is really, well, ME. And not you. Or at least, not because of you.

While that question has yet to be answered, ultimately, I have made it, and I am happy. In spite of you.

After a Long Hiatus

2009-01-19T23:39:00.006-08:00

Back in Honolulu, and chillin like a villain. Kinda.

Off to the Big Island tomorrow for a few days, to play some taiko and perform and possibly earn some money. That should be exciting, especially since it'll be a (supposedly) chill three days.

Everything has been different here now, with the roommates gone, more free time, and a little less money. But mo' money, mo' problems, right?

First, the house. Kind of lonely, since I'm by myself until new roommate (a taiko girl) moves in next month. Lots of cleaning up, and a few traumatizing cockroach incidents. Or, well, one. A real physical run-in with a large sized cockroach scampering around my room. Clear out more furniture to refresh the look of the place, and you can add a few more cockroach bodies and a gecko skeleton to the equation. (The roaches are gone but the skeleton is still here. I am way too freaked out to touch it.)

Yeah, it's freakishly dirty up in here because a lot of the furniture and things around the house haven't been moved/cleaned in way too long. Strictly speaking room and board-wise, I can't wait to get back to LA. But I make do, and this IS home, for now. My room is clean, at least, once the cockroach was subtracted.

Second, a new volunteering gig teaching at-risk and incarcerated youth. Definitely the experience of my life right now, working with youth who have had it rough and either dropped out of school or ended up in youth prison for whatever reason (read: drug dealing, robberies, even shootings). I basically am helping out this nonprofit with providing job readiness trainings for these kids, most from 15-18, so that they can get out of a detrimental routine and earn a living for themselves.

Kind of a reality check in life, once again - about my own privilege. Also an unfortunate reminder of the pretty f-ed up nature of the system, Island-style.

It's almost like a new life for me here now, different than what I was experiencing and living from August to December. Not different bad or better, just - different, I guess.

But things have been good - met a great group of people outside of taiko, and it's always thrilling to widen my social circle out here. I'm grateful for them.

Taiko itself is great, kind of feel like I'm more on my own since Kels and Dave are gone and I don't have them to go to, but all in all I can't complain. Just trying to get in the groove of teaching taiko classes on my own this time, and then of course trying to, well, get GOOD at taiko itself. Like, really good.

The high school teaching gig starts again in a week, so that'll be fun, I hope. After last semester, via trial and error I definitely have a better idea of how I should run the class, so that's nice to have. It'll also help pay the bills so I can stop living off of canned food for lack of money! (Okay, well, it's not THAT bad. But - kinda.)

Also trying to work off that holiday grubbiness, haven't been able to drag my lazy ass on a run yet (shame) but the ab workouts have been productive, and I try to choose active alternatives to travel and transportation (i.e. walk that shit).

Listening to my brand new pink iPod shufflies helps too.

The mosquitoes have already gotten me. 7 or 8 leg bites and counting.

Thanks for the welcome home, Honolulu.

(PS Happy MLK Jr Day, and Happy Obama Day tomorrow.)

A New Year, a new life

2008-12-31T23:29:00.002-08:00

Well, kind of. I was just trying to make the title catchy.

LA's been a blast, and it was so nice seeing everyone, being home with family and the cat, going to DISNEYLAND and having the time of my life, going bowling, purikura-taking, eating Chinese food, having drinks with old friends, going on random drives....

The list goes on.

Happy New Year everyone, and thanks for reading! I fly back to Honolulu on Saturday the 3rd...and I won't be back in LA most likely until August.

Much love!

From the plane, 11/30 (brace yourself)

2008-12-01T04:02:00.001-08:00

Sitting on the plane back to Honolulu, I read my magazines – the ones I spent nearly $15 on – to keep myself company, since my money was stored away in the overhead cabin 2 or 3 rows away, way out of reach without inconveniencing the other passengers, and I couldn't buy a pair of 2 dollar headphones. (I’m sure the kindly gentleman in seat 23D didn’t appreciate my torso in his face when I put my bag up there to begin with.)

I read about Michelle Rhee, the chancellor or superintendent of public education in DC, and about MIA as an artist and revolutionary. Both with very different stories, doing completely different things, but sharing the goal of subversion. Rhee, with her attack on the school system in ways that both alienated and excited education proponents, and MIA, with her family activist background, unusual sound, and determined character that led to her success as a South Asian female rapper.

I thought back to my conversation with Viet about this – “subversion.” It’s the age- old question of, do we keep fighting the system, or do we just learn to work within it?

And then it led me to my own life, and my own passions about my community, about my politics and my own convictions. Different people take action in different ways – Michelle Rhee by just doing, without caring about what anyone else says, and MIA through her music. They both though, are working within the system to try and break it down.

What is my own way of breaking down the system? My own way of taking action? And why the hell do I care so much?

I definitely consider myself significantly privileged, in my everyday life – in education, materialistically, financially, even at home. I’ve had a good education thus far and have the resources to continue onto law school like I plan (knock on wood), just got a new macbook, can make just enough money to get by with parental backup as an option if not, and my family is the shit. I appreciated them before while I was in college, but I love them all the more now that I’m away in Hawaii.

The two women I just read about came from intense immigrant backgrounds and lived through some degree of intense hardship and struggle.

But then again, let me tell you a little bit about myself.

I was born and raised in Boyle Heights, Los Angeles, on a street called Breed right by First and Soto streets. My parents are 14 years apart in age, my father my mother’s senior, and I only vaguely remember growing up in that house as a baby, with the vomit-green carpet and matching curtains. From watching home videos of myself and my sister growing up, I remember that I was pretty jealous of my sister when she was born, getting all the attention as a baby and all that. My mother had doted on me like crazy, being the first-born daughter that could read Dr. Seuss smoothly by the age of 2. But of course things change when a newer, cuter baby is born into the family.

Still, my parents did a good job of raising us without all that potential emotional baggage that can seep into a family’s history and subconscious.

Boyle Heights was an unforgivingly impoverished neighborhood, and it deprived our family of days out at the park, learning how to ride our bikes or run around and play ball with the neighborhood kids. Instead, my sister and I never learned how to ride bikes, and walking a block away was dangerous. We lived in something like fear, of the neighborhood gangs and drug dealing, and the occasional gunshots that would ring out in the middle of the night. Homeless folk would wander into our backyard and camp out there until my dad would scare them off with the katana (samurai swords) he owned. We were burglared a few times, but escaped any bodily harm, those 19 years we lived there. We even hated our neighbors.

In kindergarten I also attended the local school, Breed Street School, only a 2 minute walk from home. I have fond memories of that school, as the only Asian American kid (though of course I had no clue at the time) who unknowingly picked up the Spanish-accented English the other children spoke. I still made good friends, had fun, read books and stories to my classmates as the only kid who could read. It was thanks to my mom’s dedication to education that I moved on, later, in second grade, to a better-equipped magnet school.

Although an elementary school kid could never know it at the time, growing up we were in the lower middle class bracket. We had some nice things, but mostly not; with my dad working as a cook and my mom staying home, there wasn’t a whole lot that we could afford, especially in the way of luxuries. My mom started work, while I was in elementary school, actually, as a legal secretary for a family law firm. That helped out with income a bit.

I was of course, never the popular kid in school, though I rarely had self-esteem issues. Looking back I would describe myself as a confident, semi-awkwardly dressed, sometimes awkward-acting, outgoing glasses-wearing kid who was never liked by boys in THAT way, but I never had a shortage of good friends. Save the glasses part, I would say I haven’t changed much, though I am much more picky about my fashionable appearance these days.

But then, somewhere in the middle school-high school years, my mom made the decision to start going to law school. As a motivated, former straight-A student who had graduated from UCLA with a BS in Microbiology, she decided she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life as a dead-end legal secretary. She wanted to pursue success on the next level, and with so many years at that firm under her belt, law school seemed like the best answer. My dad, knowing it would take a toll on our family life, not having Mom around, and even worse, strain our financial situation significantly, still backed her 110%. If only we could all find supportive and loving men like that.

So law school began, and so did mom’s time away from home. She was rarely around anymore, and this was tough, since she was the one who raised my sister and myself. Helped us with our homework, all of that kind of thing. Amazingly, she still found time to do most of it. Dad is more of the silent parent type, and I admit, sis and I had a bit of an awkward time getting to know him better during that time, but it was good for us, as our relationship is happy and much stronger now.

To add to the emotional stress of not having mom around much anymore, we had to deal with the reality of not being able to afford all of the everyday luxuries we take for granted now. We had to eat at home all the time, couldn’t afford a night out at the movie theatres, had to cut out a lot of the comforts of life. I just remember being stressed out and angry at my parents for everything. It was doubly a rough time – not only was the family having a hard time, but I was right at the peak of my adolescent hormonal angst. High school was definitely a rough time, in too many ways to explain.

But the one rough thing about high school that I can look back on now, and the thing I tell people the most when they ask about how I got so involved in community work, is that I swore that I hated Japanese Americans as a people, as my kind. Although I knew perfectly well and would admit that it was a part of my ethnic identity, the JA kids I was around just didn’t do it for me. I thought they were dumb, vapid, and a waste of my time. I also had a complex from being at a high school program called “The Highly Gifted Magnet.” As ridiculous as it may sound, it was rough being labeled the “smart kid” at school by the other kids – in band, other classes, and so on. And triple that from the fact that I was an Asian American girl.

Although, I guess it wasn’t really THAT rough, given that I was to some extent, the overachieving student – more so in earlier years than in high school, since I got a C in AP Calculus my junior year…but then again, I was in AP Calculus to begin with, and it was my first C ever – and did well because in a lot of ways I did fit the stereotype. I was even nice to everyone and glad to avoid any negative confrontations.

So that was high school - anger, bitterness, money problems, good and bad grades, and then here come college admissions. Despite being the top 5% of the entire senior class, I was rejected from all of the colleges I applied to, save UCLA. To add insult to injury, I had applied mostly to schools back East because I was so eager to get away from home and make it on my own – I was so angry at my family for everything (though they did nothing to cause my stress). But here I was, stuck in LA, just a half hour from home, and I was angry at the world.

But as most of you know, college changed my life. Shaped my politics, made me want to flip off the Man, hate white people, all that sort of thing. And during my junior year of college, my mom graduated from law school and was lucky enough to find a six-figure income law firm job.

Everyone told me then, how lucky I was that Mom was such a great woman, working part time while still going to law school part time (yeah, did I forget to mention that? As if law school at almost 40 weren’t amazing enough), and with a family at that! I guess I didn’t really know it then, but it is incredible, what she and my dad did. Held it together, and all for a better future – for our whole family.

Maybe it’s because I’m a compassionate being, or maybe it’s because somewhere, deep down inside – despite not having made an explicit connection – I do identify with these families, communities, people who suffer these kinds of hardships everyday, that I care so much about, well, our society.

Or maybe it has nothing to do with me – maybe it’s just how any normal person would react if they knew the truth about our ridiculous world.

Like taking the red pill, right?

But I do now understand, with more clarity and appreciation than ever, that everything I can do now is all in thanks to my parents – to the ones who came before me. My story isn’t one of first generation immigration, of extreme hardship or financial everyday struggle, like MIA or other went through, but it is one of privilege, of privilege that I now have because of what a young, impoverished naïve girl from Gardena, and an accomplished kendoist who cooks as a career were able to create when they made the decision to start a family. They created a secure, loving, and stable environment – one that, despite lacking large amounts of money, gave birth to me, and my sister – the headed-for-success fashion designer.

It is also true, that this generation has the capacity for something great. And let this be a prophecy that I put down now, on digital paper – that there is something great coming, and we will be a part of it. Never mind the cliché of change, it’s coming, blah blah blah – I know Obama is undeniably a part of it – but it is genuinely a feeling in my gut that I can’t shake off. Despite being somewhat politically stagnant in Hawaii, I feel like it’s the calm before the storm.

Something is coming.

I didn’t mean for this to become some sort of common Asian American activist piece – I must admit, although I’m glad we can all have moments of clarity about our ancestral accomplishments, identity, and all that sort of thing, it is getting kind of tired – but you know, sometimes the thoughts just flood my brain and I need to write it down, in case some rhetoric gem is wasted by my failure to grab some paper and record it. It also doesn’t help that I’m stuck on this 5 hour flight with the lights out, and no headphones because I couldn’t get to my wallet to pay 2 bucks for it. I’m also starving so this is a good distraction.

I feel like life is full of so many ridiculous contradictions, questions, and wrongdoings – and not to get all “we are the world” on you, but I think we’re just a misguided people.

Whether its “fuck the system” or “get in it to win it ” – the subversive version - I am adamant about the fact that I will dedicate myself to the work that I love so much now. I will never give up on my people, on my community, on my family and friends. This is an oath, of sorts, and a one, along with my prophecy, that I want to look back on in 10 years and realize I was at least mostly right.

Now, if only I can stop being such an “S”….

But I guess that is a story for another time. America, here we come.

Wax and then Action - THE PICTURE POST

2008-11-18T20:22:00.011-08:00

Kind of a rough day, and the weather is crazy! Lots of rain yesterday and this morning, then crazy winds today. It's like hurricane weather, kinda. Or at least, what I think hurricane weather would be like.

Today's horoscope:

Amorous thoughts

Today, you might notice that you feel a bit better than usual, and your mind will naturally turn to light subjects. This is not a very favorable time for any difficult mental work that requires great discipline. You feel like enjoying yourself and having a good time instead of making a significant effort. Be careful of being too concerned with yourself or self-indulgent at this time. You might be inclined to buy luxurious trinkets that you don't really need or otherwise squander your valuable and limited resources. On the positive side, you can use this time to tell someone that you love him. Although you may not feel like going into a melodramatic, heavy relationship, you do enjoy making another person feel happy about the two of you, and you may have very amorous thoughts.

Mostly? FALSE. But the lack of discipline would explain why I was so ridiculous as work today. I think I'm not cut out for office work sometimes. Or maybe I just need to take my vitamins so that I pay a little more attention to detail. Careless mistakes can equal lots of stress and getting in trouble! ugh.

It's like a slippery slope syndrome with these mistakes. I make one mistake, get lightly reprimanded for it, and then end up paranoid for the rest of the day, which frustratingly makes me more careless. What the hell.

In other news, I believe it is time for a new computer. My macbook is falling apart, little by little. The huge white line down the middle of my screen seems to be getting worse, and I can't see whatever the line runs into. Good excuse, too, to purchase a new macbook. Don't you think?

I room remodeled yesterday! Pushed my two twins together to create a faux king bed, and I love it. Despite the crevice down the middle that can get a little annoying at times. Here are before and afters:

The BEFORE, with a little finger at the top. You can't see it, but there's a bed to the left against the other wall. AND DON'T LAUGH, so what if it's messy?

Behold, the AFTER. It's like Aya's room, once upon a time. It's a weird angle, but I wanted to try and hide as much of the hanging, drying underwear as possible. haha.

Anyways, so I'm also going to share some pictures of my students - not too many, for safety reasons, I guess, but just to be able to show off what they've been doing!

BOOYAH. I dunno how well you can see it in the picture, both those are their own renditions of the Pyramid of Power. You know, it's that illustration of the concept that it seems like all the rich people have all the power - that they sit at the top of the pyramid, making more and more money, widening the gap between themselves and the people at the bottom of the pyramid - the ones both holding it up, and building it. At closer look, however, it becomes obvious that those at the top would be there if it weren't for the people at the bottom. If those at the bottom stopped building, or let go, everything would topple. And then so much for them rich folk! If they took anything away from this class, I wanted it to be a sense of their own power. What better way to illustrate that than...

THE GLADIATOR Teambuilder! hahahaha! The little one was on my team. You know, the better one. Here were the teams:

Very Gladiator movie-esque.

I think they had the least to work with, but these two did well anyway.

These two...thought it would be okay to take more tape, when it's supposed to be all about limited resources. hahaha oops.

In the end, the first team you see ended up winning, and lost to my gladiator. But it was a good lesson, you know, about working together, etc. It's a lesson in community cooperation in a world that constantly pits them against each other.

Lastly, we went to Waimea Valley to do some nature cleanup as community service. I got completely OWNED by mosquitoes (read: 15 bites on both legs), but it was well worth it.

In front of the falls. Everyone's tired.

Okay, that was a lot, and it's all I've got for now. TAIKO TIME.

Yays.

I'll have a Coldbuster, please

2008-11-11T15:10:00.005-08:00

Finally, a day off. And a day off that's not even completely free; I definitely still have taiko tonight, but it is a huge relief not to have to work today. I also think I'm getting sick, so I dunno what to do about that.

Sore throat, nose becoming congested, and the sick voice - it started yesterday and took it up a notch this morning. I definitely felt like shit as soon as I got out of bed, but felt better after my pricey yet therapeutic, nail appointment. I am also in love with my nails right now. (Alex says: I got my nails did. And hell yes, foreal I got my nails did.)

I think deep down, I'm really just princessy. haha (okay, so maybe you knew that already)

Skyped with Aya for hours last night, and that was super fun. We talked so long I almost remember it like I was drunk, I was so tired (but happy) at the end of that talk session. We chatted about her cute students, about nostalgically watching old fb vids, the amazing quality of Japanese condoms, and played the "would you rather?" game. I'm glad I can keep in touch with her, along with the rest of my home friendsies - it makes me feel like I'm not far away at all. Thus the lack of homesickness on this departure from home.

A little worried about all the gifts I have to bring home, because I also don't want to overdo it to the point where I'm spending millions of dollars I don't have on gifts for Christmas because everyone got such nice things for Thanksgiving holiday. hahahaha - uh, I wish I had millions of dollars to spend on gifties.

Thank goodness for the huge craft fair this past weekend though - they're like Hawaii pasttimes, and these people definitely go all out. Both vendors and buyers - it's pretty intense. But there were some awesome things to choose from, so those will be fun to bring home.

Had some good bonding time with Kelsey yesterday too - in celebration of having Tuesday off we went to Formaggio's and chatted about life over wine, mixed drinks, and foie gras. Lavish.

Definitely miss the activist life after the latest article on disaggregation and Count Me In came out; although I was branded "the epitome of the model minority myth" in this article (I know, wtf) it is definitely a very in-depth and great article on the issue, with a good amount of data. Other than that and the fact that APC wasn't mentioned as an organization, I think it's worth a read and a forwarding. And plus the writer, Carol Brydolf, was very courteous in asking me questions and making sure I got a copy of the magazine. You can read here:

Getting real about the "model minority"

Home time a week from Friday! yayyyyy

Kobukuro and me time.

I think my right leg is darker than my left

2008-11-10T03:00:00.011-08:00

WHAT a taiko-intensive weekend. Friday mini-concert outdoors, Saturday gig after an all day conference with my students (yes, it was a 7 am to 5 pm kine day), Sunday practice, taught two classes, then gig. CRAZY!!

I am so pau.

hahaha I am using my local language, so proud.

I am exhausted but happy, I guess. The great news is that Friday night I, along with two of my trainee peers, was promoted to Kenny Endo Taiko Ensemble Member status!! A huge honor indeed, but of course along with it comes the pressure to step it up and really get my shit down. Which is great incentive of course, I just have to live up to it.

I'm also proud of my kids this weekend. This conference, put on by the Pacific and Asian Affairs Council - the nonprofit that employs me to teach this class - was the first experience they had to be at that kind of an event, with so many other students studying the same things, and really talking about things like global civic and community involvement/engagement. It was a good bonding experience for them all, that's for sure. Makes me love them all that more - I wish I could give them the world.

Anyhow, I wanted to post some Halloween pictures, since they are way overdue:

Yin and Yang! Kels was yin, me yang. Isn't it great?

Seriously, this costume is the first I've been proud of since Trinity back in high school (hahahah don't remind me...).

Yes, that's right, it's DOUBLE SIDED.

Which means the above was also possible. It just worked in so many ways. If you notice in the first picture, even our bracelets matched. Brilliant.

Yes so the pictures on my camera end there because I knew I would be too drunk to NOT lose the precious cam. It was an amazingly fun, drunken night out on Waikiki, looking at great costumes like girl with painted boobs or the "down on the count" costume - some haole guy with his shorts around his ankles wearing a count dracula costume, with a blowup doll attached to his crotch. Fun stuff.

I had 4 gin and tonics for Alex Lowe, as promised. He was honored.

So that's all I've got for now. Home countdown: 11 days!!