OH YEAH -

One more thing I had to vent about - CHRIS AND RIHANNA...REALLY!? I'm sure it's common in a lot of domestic violence-type situations for her to go back to him, but I mean, shit. To put it bluntly, the first time any man hits me would be the last. He would get what's coming to him.

I hope she is able to heal, inside and out. I also can't stand how Mekhi and Kanye are standing up for him - it's infuriating. I mean, foreal, putting a woman in a headlock after you've just beat her, then biting her ear, is no "mistake." Major. Bullshit.

AND another thing - why is the media (namely, E! news) trying to TRACK THEM DOWN!? Leave them the fuck alone, for goodness' sake!! GAWD, THIS SOCIETY!

Word of the Day: FRAZZLED

It's been a rougher past few weeks than I had thought, I guess.

Took the Kaimuki kids to a conference today, and all I have to say is that I am exhausted. And a little disturbed.

I was simply exhausted after a day of watching over and helping the kids through a day of speakers and various activities, so after treating the kids to McDonalds and walking home in drizzle, suffice it to say the only I wanted to do was SLEEP. So that's what I did. I put on my sleep-time CD (Kobukuro's Greatest), turned off the lights, and peaced out.

But I woke up realizing I had just had the weirdest dream - a nightmare of sorts.

Get this: I had to pretend I was unconscious or half-dead for 8 days to circumvent a group of people who would otherwise try and kill my family. And after the 8 days, when it was time to come to life, they made the life threat on my family anyway. So I can't tell if I ended up better off or not.

I woke up realizing it wasn't the middle of the night, and that it was 7:05 pm. Needless to say, that "nap" felt like a 10 hour full night's sleep. Heavy, and my body feels so strange. It's like, I'm awake but not really. Almost still dreaming. That kind of trippy grogginess.

Nothing makes sense right now. Maybe there was some drug-ness going on in those two filet o fish sandwiches I had....

Hopefully a night in alone will remedy that tonight. Perhaps some episodes of the Wire will wake me up. Will tell you after another season or so whether it's worth watching.

---
Speaking of my students, they totally get along now. But I am SO drained after each day with them. I don't remember it being this tiring last semester - or maybe I was but my memory made it seem less so.

Everything has been busy lately, and it's only gonna get busier. Higher powers, help meeeee

Happy Love Day

I won't say Happy V Day, since I know there are a lot of single people out there who hate this holiday. And even non-single people who hate it.

Anyhow, I just take it as an excuse to tell all the people I love that I love them, even though I'm significant-other-less. It's a great day, why waste it? No need to be angry or bitter or sad.

Just enjoy it.

So I wish all of you a great February 14, whether you're with friends, family, or a special someone today!

Drink wine, eat chocolates, and gormandize on great foods!

Tough times at K-muki High

From yesterday:

Had one of my roughest days today.

Was really looking forward to class at Kaimuki, thinking I was more prepared to handle a large class full of girls (and one boy). I even took an hour and a half to prep materials today, which usually never happens because, well, it never takes that long. I thought I had it down.

But instead, I was in over my head. At least, today. I was so stressed after two of my students decided they would like to fist fight after school. They were both girls. Just some catty, meaningless shit went down and they threwdown. I was just so, I dunno. Caught off guard would probably explain it best.

I know this has nothing to do with me, but today's incident just stressed the hell out of me. It sounds lame, but I just care so much about the kids, and have a pretty good idea of how I want us to learn, to relate, to cooperate and coexist. But when two of your students decide fighting is more important, it's just frustrating. I also care a lot about how I should handle the situation, in a way that doesn't put down any of the kids, but rather, empowers them. Empowers them to make better decisions, to think differently, to challenge themselves and others.

But if they decide fighting is more important, what can you do?

I especially hate to see young women do this kind of thing to each other.

I think I was most overwhelmed because I felt so unprepared and a little helpless. I'm sure I've made the situation much more than it really is, i.e. this will probably be forgotten in a week, but I get anxious over how I should handle the aftermath in our next class, a week from now.

Maybe I just need to stop caring so much. I even lost naptime sleep over this because my mind was racing over what I could have, should have, will have to, do.

Thank goodness for Aya.

I know it'll be on my mind until next class, but hopefully the frustration and hint of dread at confronting and solving the problem will lessen each day. It always does, after all. It's kind of like, really looking forward to something, working super hard for it, and then having it all thrown back in your face. Real talk though, at this point, the prison dealio is WAY more rewarding. Infinitely more so at the moment.

And then fast forward to today.
It's all in the past, at least for now. I was able to talk it out with a few people, and I am not too stressed about it anymore.

The further bad news came about 8 am this morning, when the school counselor, who I had alerted about the incident, called me to let me know the fight had continued elsewhere and it ended up in one my students getting ganged up on.

I was being hard on myself for not being able to deal with a situation in a way that would have avoided the confrontation in the first place, but I guess it's out of my hands. And just my fucking luck, this is the first time the school has had to deal with an incident like this - at least, according to admin.

Anyhow, I'll just worry about how to deal with the situation next Wednesday, I guess. I'm kind of relieved Monday is a holiday, so as to give me ample time to think it through. One thing's for sure - the rest of the class is to be commended in stopping the fight when it first started outside the classroom.

Otherwise, can't complain about much else. My roommate, Maki Ino (no relation to Aya as far as we all know) is amazing. She cooks great, hearty meals for the both of us every night, and it's smooth sailing after practice. How lucky. Hooked up our new HD tv last night, rearranged the place - it's like a whole new living situation. Love it.

Here's to hoping next week runs a little more smoothly.

Much Ado About Nothing

A poster I made for the kids, last semester, in my attempt to explain to them how the electoral process works. It was interesting to try and break something down for them in a way they could grasp, and it's always fun to draw these things.

Kaimuki starts up again next week, and I am excited. The curriculum last semester covered 3 main topics: Megacities (and their environmental issues), the Presidential Election, and then Aquaculture (fisheries etc).

But this semester, get this - the three topics: 1) Sustainability, 2) CHILD LABOR and 3) REFUGEES. It's like, stuff right up my alley, and there's so much I want to do it blows my mind. These topics are always of course in the context of Asia as it relates to Hawaii, so I'm really hyped about being able to do this with the kids. That combined with the trial and error results I was able to take from last semester, makes for a sum of, well, Candice is looking forward to this.

From talking to folks and working with some of the kids whenever I can get volunteer time at or around the prison, I'm just kind of baffled at the whole prison system in Hawaii. I'm not too educated about the PIC as it relates specifically to Cali, but out here it's, I dunno. There aren't even words.

And the system works for some kids, but mostly, these kids are so in and out - doing time and trying to finish their sentences when they've already done some time earlier for whatever. The thing is, some of these kids are good kids, they're just in tough situations and don't have the resources or the guidance to stop the cycle. I guess that's a no-brainer, but it's one of few observations I've been trying to take away from all this.

Of course taiko has been keeping me busy so it's been hard to do as much as I'd like, but I can't complain about taiko either. It'll be exciting to tell my kids and my grandkids about my days in Hawaii, studying taiko and pursuing the passion, at least for a little while. It was a revelation that crossed my mind, mid-odaiko lesson.

Been keeping up on a book Dawn gave me as a Christmas gift, a book of poetry by Nikki Giovanni. Not usually big on poetry, but this is really cool. All on an African-American woman's perspective, circa Civil Rights and on. About everything from love to loss to community to politics.

I grew up too spoiled to have to cook for myself most nights because I can't afford to eat out. I think I will either need to fix that, or come into some money once I've finally settled down. haha like that will happen.

Okay this post is going nowhere really, but it's always fun to ramble, blog-style. If you haven't listened to Sweet's Ballroom Blitz lately, do it. It's just too good to pass up.

A time for expression

This - just something that comes to mind when I have a day all to myself, and no urgent errands or matters to tend to. It is a revelation that was brought on by a dream I had last night, and one that surprises me in so many ways.

Even after 4 years everything you’ve done for me resonates each day of my life. I dreamt about you, too, last night. It still happens, every so often, more or less catches me by surprise. Just when I think I’ve forgotten, I wake up with new memories, only to realize it was a creation of my subconscious.

In so many ways, your having been there, my having met you – has changed and affected me to an extent I could have never imagined. When I think of my goals, my aspirations, my dreams in life, I always think about what your opinions would be of them. Would you approve? Would you frown upon them?

Oftentimes, I make decisions based on how I think you would view them. Or what you would think of them.

I always wonder what my life would have been like without that kind of a lingering influence. Better? Worse? Of course I will never know, or maybe I will, sometime in the near and new future.

And even without the unexpected dreams, I still have the memories of what you used to be like, of all the great, as well as tough, times we shared together. Just like best friends would. A ramen place, a day at Disneyland, community work – insignificant, everyday reminders that shape themselves into my image of you. Even when I try to create my own memories, there is always something that brings me back to a link with you that already exists.

It’s interesting, to think that the person I am today might be attributed so much to the role you played in my life. It has undeniably helped make me a stronger person, in so many ways, and for that I of course have you to thank. It also makes me wonder how much of me is really, well, ME. And not you. Or at least, not because of you.

While that question has yet to be answered, ultimately, I have made it, and I am happy. In spite of you.

After a Long Hiatus

Back in Honolulu, and chillin like a villain. Kinda.

Off to the Big Island tomorrow for a few days, to play some taiko and perform and possibly earn some money. That should be exciting, especially since it'll be a (supposedly) chill three days.

Everything has been different here now, with the roommates gone, more free time, and a little less money. But mo' money, mo' problems, right?

First, the house. Kind of lonely, since I'm by myself until new roommate (a taiko girl) moves in next month. Lots of cleaning up, and a few traumatizing cockroach incidents. Or, well, one. A real physical run-in with a large sized cockroach scampering around my room. Clear out more furniture to refresh the look of the place, and you can add a few more cockroach bodies and a gecko skeleton to the equation. (The roaches are gone but the skeleton is still here. I am way too freaked out to touch it.)

Yeah, it's freakishly dirty up in here because a lot of the furniture and things around the house haven't been moved/cleaned in way too long. Strictly speaking room and board-wise, I can't wait to get back to LA. But I make do, and this IS home, for now. My room is clean, at least, once the cockroach was subtracted.

Second, a new volunteering gig teaching at-risk and incarcerated youth. Definitely the experience of my life right now, working with youth who have had it rough and either dropped out of school or ended up in youth prison for whatever reason (read: drug dealing, robberies, even shootings). I basically am helping out this nonprofit with providing job readiness trainings for these kids, most from 15-18, so that they can get out of a detrimental routine and earn a living for themselves.

Kind of a reality check in life, once again - about my own privilege. Also an unfortunate reminder of the pretty f-ed up nature of the system, Island-style.

It's almost like a new life for me here now, different than what I was experiencing and living from August to December. Not different bad or better, just - different, I guess.

But things have been good - met a great group of people outside of taiko, and it's always thrilling to widen my social circle out here. I'm grateful for them.

Taiko itself is great, kind of feel like I'm more on my own since Kels and Dave are gone and I don't have them to go to, but all in all I can't complain. Just trying to get in the groove of teaching taiko classes on my own this time, and then of course trying to, well, get GOOD at taiko itself. Like, really good.

The high school teaching gig starts again in a week, so that'll be fun, I hope. After last semester, via trial and error I definitely have a better idea of how I should run the class, so that's nice to have. It'll also help pay the bills so I can stop living off of canned food for lack of money! (Okay, well, it's not THAT bad. But - kinda.)

Also trying to work off that holiday grubbiness, haven't been able to drag my lazy ass on a run yet (shame) but the ab workouts have been productive, and I try to choose active alternatives to travel and transportation (i.e. walk that shit).

Listening to my brand new pink iPod shufflies helps too.

The mosquitoes have already gotten me. 7 or 8 leg bites and counting.

Thanks for the welcome home, Honolulu.

(PS Happy MLK Jr Day, and Happy Obama Day tomorrow.)