From the other side

Two? Three? weeks later, and I've been home for quite a while now.

Reconnecting with folks, getting readjusted, trying to stay productive, seeking out a new job and niche in my new (old) city....it's definitely been a task of no easy measure, but I would say I'm slowly getting used to it all.

I always get the inevitable "Do you miss Hawaii?" question and of course the answer is yes.  I miss my home, my friends, taiko, my sig other.  And home feels so different now, presumably because I'm (a little) different now, it's almost like my third city of residence.

But, home IS still home, and I think the best part has been having close access to friends and family again.  It's very comforting in a lot of ways, and in the time that I've been back in some ways I have a new appreciation for things.

And anyway, knowing I'll be back to visit (and work) for a few days is comforting.  Seeing those most important to me will be so amazing, I can't even express my excitement.

Lots of things to figure out, in the way of, well, LIFE, but I guess that's just how it always goes.  It'll be interesting to find out the answers to all of my questions.

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore....

It's strange, but the Wizard of Oz has been a source of inspiration lately.

Maybe that's because I feel like my time in Hawai'i has been one great adventure-filled dream.

Because oh my god, I can't believe I'm back in Los Angeles.  I think it's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, and the sadness was intense.  After saying goodbye to close friends and boyfriend, I wanted to cry so bad.  And I did, while sitting at the gate by myself.  I tweeted something to the effect of..."I can't remember the last time I was this sad," and it's true to its core.  It was so much harder than I could've ever anticipated, and being home still feels bittersweet.  I had to call Mom to take my mind off the self-pity.

Even after landing at LAX, thinking about Hawai'i life too much made me well up.

But boo hoo, I'm allowing myself to mope internally for a little while, and then back to business.

There is so much I want to do, despite missing everyone and BF.  And maybe all the more, bury myself in whatever I need and want to do, to stop from feeling so sad about everything and everyone I left behind in Honolulu.

Like Kelsey said, change is good.  And I think deep down inside I know what I have to do.

Only for the first time, being here at home, there's so much uncertainty.  I was so sure, so certain, so confident, about everything I would do when I got back, but this move has definitely thrown me for a loop.  It is going to be...an interesting year, to say the least.  LSATs, law school plans, volunteer endeavors, the works.  We'll see how it all goes, maybe the possibility is exciting, but it's all a little scary, too.

Looking towards my next visit to Honolulu, hopefully both in May and June, which would be ideal...and in May, excited to see Aya.  It'll be some much needed girlfriend therapy, that's for sure.

Maybe like Dorothy, I'll realize that my Scarecrow, Tinman, and Lion were with me here at home all along.

Still Kickin'

I nearly forgot about this thing the past few months or so.

A lot of things have happened...my family came to visit, taiko's been getting busier for Sensei's 35th Anniversary, work has been nonexistent and so has the pay; I fell in love, met some more new taiko folks, became closer with old friends, and am now coming to terms with the end of my time here.

I think I've realized how independent I've become, so knowing that I'm moving home for a while is kind of hard to accept.  How hard it will actually be only time will tell, but I'm pretty sure, gauging from my 3 week holiday home-time vacations, that it will be HARD.

I know most blogs are inherently selfish and self-centered (I this, I that, me me me me me); the movie Julie & Julia helped me see that (I highly recommend the flick for anyone who hasn't seen it), but this entry will probably be one of the more self-involved contributions.

Having started a relationship here already gives me a lot to think about in terms of being back in LA, but more than that, I only realized today how COMFORTABLE I've become here.  Just like in those movies...you know when you've blended into a new area or neighborhood when your neighbors start acknowledging you.  Like, you're a local now, foreal.  Except I'm leaving again in roughly 3 weeks.

I guess life can be good that way while we're young -- just when you get comfortable or start to get complacent...MOVE ON.  That's what I'm doing...and that's probably what will happen back in LA up until I actually start attending law school.  It keeps life exciting, unpredictable, new, fresh.

I suppose though, life can't be fresh forever.

Or maybe it can, just in a different way.

All of the goodbye events have started to happen - the goodbye BBQ, the last karaoke outing, and soon, the VERY last parties and farewells.  Little by little it's sinking in.  The logistics of moving are going to be the biggest pain, and I haven't even started on that...probably because I just don't feel absolutely ready to fully accept that I'm going to be gone from here.  Forever.  Mmm or to be less dramatic, just will never be here in the same way again.

Hawai'i will always be my second home, though, there's no doubt about that.  When I leave here I'll be leaving a piece of myself behind, the piece I'll have to come back and reclaim whenever I come to visit.

It's been a beautiful 2 years, so I can't complain.  It's just so bittersweet, I could cry just thinking about having to board that plane and head home for good.

The great news is some of my friends here may make it over to the Cali area...so that should be exciting.

And of course, LA is my element.  The people, the places, the FOOD....

I'm just afraid I'll be a stranger in my own hometown.  I guess that's inevitable at first, but it shouldn't take too long to become reacquainted, mainly with friends.  There's still so much to do and so much to see.

Chaos

Too much happening now, in this world, is disheartening proof of how fucked up people really are.

Still a tribute.

Shero-hero had to be changed on request, but I thought the blog could use a small change anyway.  I'm not HTML-smart enough to revolutionize the blog completely, but so it goes.

So it's been an interesting weekend, without a doubt.

Chile and the 8.8 -- my thoughts and condolences are with them.  But it led to a severe tsunami scare out here on the islands.  I mean, Hawai'i gets a lot of tsunami warnings, but it's rarely so bad that they actually close down local shops and businesses, college campuses, and even roads closest to the coast.  We really thought we were in for something serious.  The streets and beaches were completely emptied out, some families in inundated areas evacuated.  I was stuck here at home, waking up Saturday morning with Dok to tsunami warning sirens.  We were basically trapped at home all morning and into the early afternoon, watching the local news for the latest, waiting for the tsunami to hit.  Waves were projected to be at least 6 feet tall, hit Hilo, Big Island first, and then make its way over to us.

Long story short, we watched and waited until 11:04 am, when the first waves were supposed to start arriving, but they were at least an hour late.  We watched the ocean recede, particularly over a patch of coral reef - this is a sure indication of an arriving tsunami - and then it turned out the waves were only 3 feet high.  Grrrreat.

Then the islands are all "oh yay, at least we were prepared for a great disaster in case it came."  Uh, tourists were evacuated to the tops of hotels for goodness' sakes.  I HOPE that would've worked if the waves were high enough.

Anyhow, of course just happy and relieved that everyone is safe and nothing happened to us.  It was scary there, for like 12 hours.  Good job Hawai'i, for giving me a memorable weekend, or something like that.

Meanwhile, April 13 looms ever closer.  Eek!

Hawaiian Sovereignty?

I've been in Hawai'i for exactly a year and a half now - 18 months - and being here on Oahu kind of threw my race-gender-sexuality-class lens for a loop because everything was so different from the frameworks in LA I had become so used to in college organizing.

For a while, I thought, okay, maybe things here are a little more color blind - it's definitely not a good thing, but overall, unless you're white, there are so many mixed race people that there are few who identify solely with one community, whether political or racial or both.

I've mentioned it somewhere before, but there are so many "racial" or "racist", aka non-PC, terms being thrown around in everyday colloquial conversation - it's even deeply embedded in pidgin vocabulary.

But then Andy said something to me a couple of months back, and it started a new perspective on the particular nature of race issues here. All he said was, "Hawai'i is the MOST racist state."

I don't think it's the MOST racist, but I did realize, this place is not colorblind, it's the OTHER end of the "bad" spectrum! Totally racist.

And then everything looked a little different. Maybe even made more sense.

There are negative stereotypes being used, enforced, perpetuated everyday, and there is one for every race on the island. Japanese, including Okinawan; Chinese, Korean, Micronesian, Polynesian - specifically Samoan, Tongan and Native Hawaiian; African American, Puerto Rican, White, Filipino...the list goes on and on. White is at the bottom of this hierarchy, but each one has an equally, if not more, negative trait attached to it. There's some sort of derogatory term for each, and if you fit in somewhere, of course there's a list of characteristics that are instantly assumed about you, as stereotypes often go.

The same goes for sexuality -- gay, lesbian, transgender, transsexual -- although generally liberal and to some, "laid-back," Hawaii is behind in the way of progressivism and political empowerment for the Queer community. Very heteronormative, if you will, even though there is a large and oftentimes visible Mahu community that resides here.

Of course this applies to some parts of LA/California and definitely parts of the greater mid-West, but for a West Coast state, it's kind of surprising.

Granted, maybe I shouldn't be speaking for all of Hawai'i or even all of Oahu, because my experiences are isolated to, well, MY experiences, but this is sort of how it's all come together for me so far.

Then there comes news of Senator Akaka's Hawaiian Government Reorganization Act, a bill that recently passed the House!

I'm only educated on the very periphery of this issue, but it sounds promising. Both the issue and the bill, of course, are very divisive and controversial because of notions and stereotypes of the Native Hawaiian community, but I think it's amazing that the bill itself has even gotten this far, and that the issue is getting this kind of visibility now.

I only got about halfway through, but I liked what I read so far. It may be a little iffy in the way of identifying who will actually benefit from this since so many people will try and stake some claim; although there are standards, some who shouldn't benefit probably will...but legislation is always hard to really narrow, and inevitably is open for interpretation somewhere.

Full text of the bill here.

How amazing would this be for this community? Don't know if it'll pass the Senate, but it's a start. And if it does pass, Obama will sign!

Anyway, there's always tons to learn here. I will miss the islands so much!

Your poop.

I tried to embed it, but unfortunately the picture is too large for this format! What a shame.

Anyway, here's the link:

Poop.