GOOD MORNING

Damn, I am looking forward to my 4 day weekend big time. Thank you Memorial Day for the extra day off.

Ah, the perks of working part-time.

I'm not gonna lie, it's been a rough and tough 2 weeks, trying to figure out the name of this Council game and really grappling with my mixed feelings about my new-found employment.  I kind of feel like everything I had envisioned myself doing in this time just didn't pan out because of my own decisions.

CHOICES.  That's what life's all about, isn't it?  Those, and then those things that come after them.  Yeah, that.  Consequences.

When it came down to it I chose convenience and instant gratification over the waiting game, because I'm sure that is how it would have been otherwise...or at least so I think I would LIKE to think.

But the latter half of this week has proven to be pretty fruitful.  I know now that I can do this job well, and considering this is still a small and budding organization, there is still hope.

Kind of ironic, isn't it, how I wrote and gabbed all that stuff about the JA community, and suddenly I find myself thrown into the midst of everything I complained about?  Maybe it's karma for my college-aged arrogance and audacity.

Maybe this'll teach me exactly what I need to learn to really know what I want the rest of my life...or at least for the next few years or so.

Little by little it's coming together, but I guess it always tends to work that way.

Then talking to supportive friendsies like Aya, Dok and Scott always is good for lifting spirits.  YAY for friends, foreal.

Meanwhile, home life is dumb.  Not in the "I hate my parents" kind of way at all...but more like, they're cutting open the walls to replace our pipes and the family decides to STAY HOME while this is all happening!

Dumb = from 7 am - 4 pm, everyday for 2 weeks, we have no use of any water in the house, so even on my day off, when I just want to stay home and SLEEP...I have to get out and find a place to use the damn bathroom.  Not to mention brush my teeth and then otherwise just chill.  Anyone want to volunteer their place?

K thanks.

Life just never stops with all of the things to ponder and figure out.  It's a good thing most of the time, but sometimes, like now, it's pretty baffling.  I feel like I'm sort of in this mess trying to figure out the direction of my life.

One big transition.  From the time I left Hawai'i, that fateful April 13, until who knows when, I'm sort of just doodling blind.  Hands over the eyes, pen to the paper, and draw.  Except those pictures end up being all the things I'm doing in my life.  Then when it's all over, look at the picture and see where I went, what I did, and I can only hope it'll all make sense.

That magical end product.

It'd better be magical.

Speaking of magic, hoping for that Disneyland trip on June 12th!  Crossing my fingers.


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Catty

I want a lot for myself.

There's so much I can do if only given the chance, and I want to know that I can challenge myself instead of always taking the easy road out, and do whatEVER I focus my energy on and decide to do.  Not only will I do it, but I'll own the shit out of it.

Leave a trail of fire in my wake.

It feels like my life is taking a bit of a detour from the road I had really hoped for, but everything happens for a reason and I am determined to make this all meld together beautifully. (i.e. more than "make it work.")

It's too early to feel the way I do, but I think it's only because I've been spoiled by 2 fun but somewhat complacent, years in Hawai'i.

I'll show them what I can do, if it's the last thing I ever do.  And take my word for it, it won't be the last thing.

From the other side

Two? Three? weeks later, and I've been home for quite a while now.

Reconnecting with folks, getting readjusted, trying to stay productive, seeking out a new job and niche in my new (old) city....it's definitely been a task of no easy measure, but I would say I'm slowly getting used to it all.

I always get the inevitable "Do you miss Hawaii?" question and of course the answer is yes.  I miss my home, my friends, taiko, my sig other.  And home feels so different now, presumably because I'm (a little) different now, it's almost like my third city of residence.

But, home IS still home, and I think the best part has been having close access to friends and family again.  It's very comforting in a lot of ways, and in the time that I've been back in some ways I have a new appreciation for things.

And anyway, knowing I'll be back to visit (and work) for a few days is comforting.  Seeing those most important to me will be so amazing, I can't even express my excitement.

Lots of things to figure out, in the way of, well, LIFE, but I guess that's just how it always goes.  It'll be interesting to find out the answers to all of my questions.

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore....

It's strange, but the Wizard of Oz has been a source of inspiration lately.

Maybe that's because I feel like my time in Hawai'i has been one great adventure-filled dream.

Because oh my god, I can't believe I'm back in Los Angeles.  I think it's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, and the sadness was intense.  After saying goodbye to close friends and boyfriend, I wanted to cry so bad.  And I did, while sitting at the gate by myself.  I tweeted something to the effect of..."I can't remember the last time I was this sad," and it's true to its core.  It was so much harder than I could've ever anticipated, and being home still feels bittersweet.  I had to call Mom to take my mind off the self-pity.

Even after landing at LAX, thinking about Hawai'i life too much made me well up.

But boo hoo, I'm allowing myself to mope internally for a little while, and then back to business.

There is so much I want to do, despite missing everyone and BF.  And maybe all the more, bury myself in whatever I need and want to do, to stop from feeling so sad about everything and everyone I left behind in Honolulu.

Like Kelsey said, change is good.  And I think deep down inside I know what I have to do.

Only for the first time, being here at home, there's so much uncertainty.  I was so sure, so certain, so confident, about everything I would do when I got back, but this move has definitely thrown me for a loop.  It is going to be...an interesting year, to say the least.  LSATs, law school plans, volunteer endeavors, the works.  We'll see how it all goes, maybe the possibility is exciting, but it's all a little scary, too.

Looking towards my next visit to Honolulu, hopefully both in May and June, which would be ideal...and in May, excited to see Aya.  It'll be some much needed girlfriend therapy, that's for sure.

Maybe like Dorothy, I'll realize that my Scarecrow, Tinman, and Lion were with me here at home all along.

Still Kickin'

I nearly forgot about this thing the past few months or so.

A lot of things have happened...my family came to visit, taiko's been getting busier for Sensei's 35th Anniversary, work has been nonexistent and so has the pay; I fell in love, met some more new taiko folks, became closer with old friends, and am now coming to terms with the end of my time here.

I think I've realized how independent I've become, so knowing that I'm moving home for a while is kind of hard to accept.  How hard it will actually be only time will tell, but I'm pretty sure, gauging from my 3 week holiday home-time vacations, that it will be HARD.

I know most blogs are inherently selfish and self-centered (I this, I that, me me me me me); the movie Julie & Julia helped me see that (I highly recommend the flick for anyone who hasn't seen it), but this entry will probably be one of the more self-involved contributions.

Having started a relationship here already gives me a lot to think about in terms of being back in LA, but more than that, I only realized today how COMFORTABLE I've become here.  Just like in those movies...you know when you've blended into a new area or neighborhood when your neighbors start acknowledging you.  Like, you're a local now, foreal.  Except I'm leaving again in roughly 3 weeks.

I guess life can be good that way while we're young -- just when you get comfortable or start to get complacent...MOVE ON.  That's what I'm doing...and that's probably what will happen back in LA up until I actually start attending law school.  It keeps life exciting, unpredictable, new, fresh.

I suppose though, life can't be fresh forever.

Or maybe it can, just in a different way.

All of the goodbye events have started to happen - the goodbye BBQ, the last karaoke outing, and soon, the VERY last parties and farewells.  Little by little it's sinking in.  The logistics of moving are going to be the biggest pain, and I haven't even started on that...probably because I just don't feel absolutely ready to fully accept that I'm going to be gone from here.  Forever.  Mmm or to be less dramatic, just will never be here in the same way again.

Hawai'i will always be my second home, though, there's no doubt about that.  When I leave here I'll be leaving a piece of myself behind, the piece I'll have to come back and reclaim whenever I come to visit.

It's been a beautiful 2 years, so I can't complain.  It's just so bittersweet, I could cry just thinking about having to board that plane and head home for good.

The great news is some of my friends here may make it over to the Cali area...so that should be exciting.

And of course, LA is my element.  The people, the places, the FOOD....

I'm just afraid I'll be a stranger in my own hometown.  I guess that's inevitable at first, but it shouldn't take too long to become reacquainted, mainly with friends.  There's still so much to do and so much to see.

Chaos

Too much happening now, in this world, is disheartening proof of how fucked up people really are.

Still a tribute.

Shero-hero had to be changed on request, but I thought the blog could use a small change anyway.  I'm not HTML-smart enough to revolutionize the blog completely, but so it goes.

So it's been an interesting weekend, without a doubt.

Chile and the 8.8 -- my thoughts and condolences are with them.  But it led to a severe tsunami scare out here on the islands.  I mean, Hawai'i gets a lot of tsunami warnings, but it's rarely so bad that they actually close down local shops and businesses, college campuses, and even roads closest to the coast.  We really thought we were in for something serious.  The streets and beaches were completely emptied out, some families in inundated areas evacuated.  I was stuck here at home, waking up Saturday morning with Dok to tsunami warning sirens.  We were basically trapped at home all morning and into the early afternoon, watching the local news for the latest, waiting for the tsunami to hit.  Waves were projected to be at least 6 feet tall, hit Hilo, Big Island first, and then make its way over to us.

Long story short, we watched and waited until 11:04 am, when the first waves were supposed to start arriving, but they were at least an hour late.  We watched the ocean recede, particularly over a patch of coral reef - this is a sure indication of an arriving tsunami - and then it turned out the waves were only 3 feet high.  Grrrreat.

Then the islands are all "oh yay, at least we were prepared for a great disaster in case it came."  Uh, tourists were evacuated to the tops of hotels for goodness' sakes.  I HOPE that would've worked if the waves were high enough.

Anyhow, of course just happy and relieved that everyone is safe and nothing happened to us.  It was scary there, for like 12 hours.  Good job Hawai'i, for giving me a memorable weekend, or something like that.

Meanwhile, April 13 looms ever closer.  Eek!