- Ran the damn 5K. I'm glad I did it, but my body's not. Apparently I'm not in as great shape as I thought. Yay for Advocates of Public Interest Law!
- Saw Tenkaippin/Ultimate Japan people. I was so proud, even if nobody else really got it.
- Made Takikomi Gohan, albeit out of a packet, and had a food orgasm. Thanks ayas.
- Completed first class back from Spring Break. I realized two things: 1) I haven't cultivated a relationship with these students like I did first semester, probably because of size but other reasons as well, and 2) it was kind of nice to be back with them. After having them do evaluations, I realized they do appreciate the work I do in this class, even though they do want more fun activities and parties and stuff in class. hahaha all in all though, I do am fond of these students. A student from last semester came to visit, and I was SO happy to see her. It was a rewarding day at Kaimuki.
- Even though I was hurting from the 5K run on Sunday, I still did my daily workout. I think that made it all worse. I also still did taiko.
- Managed to eat healthy and stay sane today. That is an accomplishment anyday.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Some quickies
- I saw Lisa Fu when she came to visit about a week ago - it was one of the best days of my Hawai'i life. Although the time went by entirely too quickly before she had to leave to catch her flight home, it got me really thinking about the kind of work I'd like to do when I get home to LA. i.e. I can continue my prison work, only in a much more progressive, social justice conducive environment out there. It would be an interesting continuation of the work I've been doing out here, and would give me an opportunity to learn more about the PIC.
- Been having back problems, went to get a massage today but not quite sure it did the job. We'll see tomorrow I guess.
- Tried out a tanning salon! Nice way to get an insta-tan, but now my butt is a little burned.
- Kelsey coming back to visit in a week!! So excited, but also a little anxious because it coincides with the month of TAIKO. Seriously. It'll be like all taiko all the time this April. But it'll just be too much fun with her here.
- April's fools joke of the day ("played" on me) was "You're hot, can I be your stalker? ..April fools!" Courtesy of a white girl at the tanning salon.
- Too many people are talking about the McDonald's filet o fish commercial. Correction: too many people are SINGING that damn song.
- Done with taxes finally, what a relief.
- Hip Hop Abs - it really does what it says. I would recommend it to anyone.
- Mythbusters on the Discovery channel is the shit! I can't get enough of this show!
- And finally, a gem I found on icanhascheezburger:
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
- Been having back problems, went to get a massage today but not quite sure it did the job. We'll see tomorrow I guess.
- Tried out a tanning salon! Nice way to get an insta-tan, but now my butt is a little burned.
- Kelsey coming back to visit in a week!! So excited, but also a little anxious because it coincides with the month of TAIKO. Seriously. It'll be like all taiko all the time this April. But it'll just be too much fun with her here.
- April's fools joke of the day ("played" on me) was "You're hot, can I be your stalker? ..April fools!" Courtesy of a white girl at the tanning salon.
- Too many people are talking about the McDonald's filet o fish commercial. Correction: too many people are SINGING that damn song.
- Done with taxes finally, what a relief.
- Hip Hop Abs - it really does what it says. I would recommend it to anyone.
- Mythbusters on the Discovery channel is the shit! I can't get enough of this show!
- And finally, a gem I found on icanhascheezburger:
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Okay, let’s face it. Sometimes taking the red pill sucks.
You can call it a caveat to any progressive, gung-ho, motivated piece I write or read or come in contact with.
After teaching at Kaimuki High School for about seven months now, I have to come to terms with the reality of my, and our, situations.
As someone who considers herself a progressive activist, I admit, I become quite cocky about my politics sometimes. Elitists in their own right, other progressives do it too. We all look down our noses at ignorant folk who don’t know the difference between equality and equity, at people who don’t know their Pacific Islanders from their Asian Americans, their liberals from their progressives, their genders from their sexualities, and so on. Especially coming out of college, that “swagger of a college kid” that T.I. talks about is ever so apparent, and for a long time, I thought I knew it all. My dominant personal politics were just that – strong, proud, and never afraid to throwdown (figuratively speaking, of course).
When I came out here to Hawai’i, for a bit I thought, oh, these people. These teachers, they don’t know what they’re doing, they don’t respect their students, etcetera, etcetera. I had no doubt in my mind about what I believed, about how I would run my class.
But fast forward to now, and I find myself these days with an ever-shifting attitude about my job. Over the course of those seven months, I’ve gotten to see what students at other high schools are like – how some of my Kaimuki students compare to the average student at other places. And to be frank, my students, due to their recent immigrant backgrounds or other family situations, lack a lot of basic grammar, critical thinking, and comprehensive reading skills. All of the skills we take for granted in everyday life, I have to try and explain or break down for them. It’s incredibly difficult to teach something you thought you – and everyone else - always just knew how to do.
Let’s be real. Every week, I’ve come to dread teaching now. Not because my students are terrible, but because this job is so incredibly demanding for so little reward. Perhaps it’s because I’m not a strict teacher – and I know that’s a part of it – but more so for other reasons, my students are kind of all over the place. Absences are common and so beyond my control. Technically, I’m supposed to fail every student who misses 3 or more classes, but if I did that, I’d only have two students in this class. Lessons take twice as long as they should because some students take longer to understand the material than others. It’s class, it’s gender, it’s race, the issues around immigration, all in play here, and I…well, just can’t seem to handle it.
It’s incredibly frustrating, and here’s my most recent example.
There’s a travel program that the organization that hired me is putting on. Basically no student from Kaimuki has even ever applied, so the organization urged myself and the school counselor to get students to apply – ONE student would be guaranteed to make it and be able to spend a few weeks on a high school-version study abroad trip to South Korea.
Of course, I had two students who said they would apply, and they asked me to write their letters of recommendation, which I had to take extra effort and time to complete. I set aside my own time to help them with their essays, make sure they understood and could complete the application. I was excited because this trip to South Korea would be an eye opening and once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for these kids.
Today, I found out neither of them submitted their application. For reasons I couldn’t quite understand.
It’s not that I don’t believe my students, and they both claim it was because of their parents, but to be honest they were more excuses, to me, than anything else.
I know it’s partly selfish to want for these kids what I think would have been great for them, but it was incredibly discouraging and disappointing to hear this.
Add that to poor attendance and you get me, constantly frustrated for reasons beyond my control.
More than anything, I want these kids to become empowered from this class, to learn something new – at least one thing each class – and understand something from this world. And while I understand I’m not failing – I do know the students can relate to each other and to me on a good level – I feel like the reward is just not justifying the effort.
As I write this, I feel more and more guilty for feeling this way. The work after all, is not about me, it’s about them, the community. But when it becomes burnout, then it’s an issue.
I feel guilty either way. If I leave this job, I feel like I’m not fulfilling my own expectations by staying in it and working with kids who could get some fun and educational life experiences from this class. But I know the longer I stay, the less I enjoy and appreciate it, and the more I dread it. Which isn’t right. These students should never have someone teaching them who doesn’t enjoy it and them.
Alas, let’s not even speak about the pay. I’m not complaining, but basically I do really need to make a living, and it’s hard with this job. It’s hard to know you’re working three times as hard as you need to, and it’s still difficult to afford everyday luxuries.
OKAY, so it’s not like I’m impoverished and of course there are others who are worse off than I. I’m not trying to make others feel sorry for me, I’m just saying it like it is. Now, more than ever, I understand that dilemma of having to make a living, versus do what is right and just for the community and for others.
Still, don’t get me wrong. I would choose the cause over money anyday, i.e. I would, without hesitation, choose a lower paying job that I’d enjoy over a high paying job that I’d hate every day of my life.
It’s just rough, and I’ve tried to justify it to myself by saying, I’m not cut out to be a teacher anyway. I talked to my mom about it the other day, and she said, “well, you never wanted to be a teacher, right?” Which is correct. I’m going into law someday.
But I guess it’s still a slap in the face to realize you aren’t enjoying the kind of work that can be really great for these kids.
I’ve pretty much decided at this point that I won’t continue this job after the end of this semester, because I think the kids deserve better. I love them, for sure, but it’s hard to love the work. I also realize that nothing is perfect, no setup, no nonprofit, no community job, is going to be everything it should be. But maybe I just don’t belong here.
Only time will tell, I guess. Meanwhile, I will just have to try my hardest to give these kids the kind of efforts they deserve from a teacher, and work to remind myself why it’s important.
After teaching at Kaimuki High School for about seven months now, I have to come to terms with the reality of my, and our, situations.
As someone who considers herself a progressive activist, I admit, I become quite cocky about my politics sometimes. Elitists in their own right, other progressives do it too. We all look down our noses at ignorant folk who don’t know the difference between equality and equity, at people who don’t know their Pacific Islanders from their Asian Americans, their liberals from their progressives, their genders from their sexualities, and so on. Especially coming out of college, that “swagger of a college kid” that T.I. talks about is ever so apparent, and for a long time, I thought I knew it all. My dominant personal politics were just that – strong, proud, and never afraid to throwdown (figuratively speaking, of course).
When I came out here to Hawai’i, for a bit I thought, oh, these people. These teachers, they don’t know what they’re doing, they don’t respect their students, etcetera, etcetera. I had no doubt in my mind about what I believed, about how I would run my class.
But fast forward to now, and I find myself these days with an ever-shifting attitude about my job. Over the course of those seven months, I’ve gotten to see what students at other high schools are like – how some of my Kaimuki students compare to the average student at other places. And to be frank, my students, due to their recent immigrant backgrounds or other family situations, lack a lot of basic grammar, critical thinking, and comprehensive reading skills. All of the skills we take for granted in everyday life, I have to try and explain or break down for them. It’s incredibly difficult to teach something you thought you – and everyone else - always just knew how to do.
Let’s be real. Every week, I’ve come to dread teaching now. Not because my students are terrible, but because this job is so incredibly demanding for so little reward. Perhaps it’s because I’m not a strict teacher – and I know that’s a part of it – but more so for other reasons, my students are kind of all over the place. Absences are common and so beyond my control. Technically, I’m supposed to fail every student who misses 3 or more classes, but if I did that, I’d only have two students in this class. Lessons take twice as long as they should because some students take longer to understand the material than others. It’s class, it’s gender, it’s race, the issues around immigration, all in play here, and I…well, just can’t seem to handle it.
It’s incredibly frustrating, and here’s my most recent example.
There’s a travel program that the organization that hired me is putting on. Basically no student from Kaimuki has even ever applied, so the organization urged myself and the school counselor to get students to apply – ONE student would be guaranteed to make it and be able to spend a few weeks on a high school-version study abroad trip to South Korea.
Of course, I had two students who said they would apply, and they asked me to write their letters of recommendation, which I had to take extra effort and time to complete. I set aside my own time to help them with their essays, make sure they understood and could complete the application. I was excited because this trip to South Korea would be an eye opening and once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for these kids.
Today, I found out neither of them submitted their application. For reasons I couldn’t quite understand.
It’s not that I don’t believe my students, and they both claim it was because of their parents, but to be honest they were more excuses, to me, than anything else.
I know it’s partly selfish to want for these kids what I think would have been great for them, but it was incredibly discouraging and disappointing to hear this.
Add that to poor attendance and you get me, constantly frustrated for reasons beyond my control.
More than anything, I want these kids to become empowered from this class, to learn something new – at least one thing each class – and understand something from this world. And while I understand I’m not failing – I do know the students can relate to each other and to me on a good level – I feel like the reward is just not justifying the effort.
As I write this, I feel more and more guilty for feeling this way. The work after all, is not about me, it’s about them, the community. But when it becomes burnout, then it’s an issue.
I feel guilty either way. If I leave this job, I feel like I’m not fulfilling my own expectations by staying in it and working with kids who could get some fun and educational life experiences from this class. But I know the longer I stay, the less I enjoy and appreciate it, and the more I dread it. Which isn’t right. These students should never have someone teaching them who doesn’t enjoy it and them.
Alas, let’s not even speak about the pay. I’m not complaining, but basically I do really need to make a living, and it’s hard with this job. It’s hard to know you’re working three times as hard as you need to, and it’s still difficult to afford everyday luxuries.
OKAY, so it’s not like I’m impoverished and of course there are others who are worse off than I. I’m not trying to make others feel sorry for me, I’m just saying it like it is. Now, more than ever, I understand that dilemma of having to make a living, versus do what is right and just for the community and for others.
Still, don’t get me wrong. I would choose the cause over money anyday, i.e. I would, without hesitation, choose a lower paying job that I’d enjoy over a high paying job that I’d hate every day of my life.
It’s just rough, and I’ve tried to justify it to myself by saying, I’m not cut out to be a teacher anyway. I talked to my mom about it the other day, and she said, “well, you never wanted to be a teacher, right?” Which is correct. I’m going into law someday.
But I guess it’s still a slap in the face to realize you aren’t enjoying the kind of work that can be really great for these kids.
I’ve pretty much decided at this point that I won’t continue this job after the end of this semester, because I think the kids deserve better. I love them, for sure, but it’s hard to love the work. I also realize that nothing is perfect, no setup, no nonprofit, no community job, is going to be everything it should be. But maybe I just don’t belong here.
Only time will tell, I guess. Meanwhile, I will just have to try my hardest to give these kids the kind of efforts they deserve from a teacher, and work to remind myself why it’s important.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
OH YEAH -
One more thing I had to vent about - CHRIS AND RIHANNA...REALLY!? I'm sure it's common in a lot of domestic violence-type situations for her to go back to him, but I mean, shit. To put it bluntly, the first time any man hits me would be the last. He would get what's coming to him.
I hope she is able to heal, inside and out. I also can't stand how Mekhi and Kanye are standing up for him - it's infuriating. I mean, foreal, putting a woman in a headlock after you've just beat her, then biting her ear, is no "mistake." Major. Bullshit.
AND another thing - why is the media (namely, E! news) trying to TRACK THEM DOWN!? Leave them the fuck alone, for goodness' sake!! GAWD, THIS SOCIETY!
I hope she is able to heal, inside and out. I also can't stand how Mekhi and Kanye are standing up for him - it's infuriating. I mean, foreal, putting a woman in a headlock after you've just beat her, then biting her ear, is no "mistake." Major. Bullshit.
AND another thing - why is the media (namely, E! news) trying to TRACK THEM DOWN!? Leave them the fuck alone, for goodness' sake!! GAWD, THIS SOCIETY!
Word of the Day: FRAZZLED
It's been a rougher past few weeks than I had thought, I guess.
Took the Kaimuki kids to a conference today, and all I have to say is that I am exhausted. And a little disturbed.
I was simply exhausted after a day of watching over and helping the kids through a day of speakers and various activities, so after treating the kids to McDonalds and walking home in drizzle, suffice it to say the only I wanted to do was SLEEP. So that's what I did. I put on my sleep-time CD (Kobukuro's Greatest), turned off the lights, and peaced out.
But I woke up realizing I had just had the weirdest dream - a nightmare of sorts.
Get this: I had to pretend I was unconscious or half-dead for 8 days to circumvent a group of people who would otherwise try and kill my family. And after the 8 days, when it was time to come to life, they made the life threat on my family anyway. So I can't tell if I ended up better off or not.
I woke up realizing it wasn't the middle of the night, and that it was 7:05 pm. Needless to say, that "nap" felt like a 10 hour full night's sleep. Heavy, and my body feels so strange. It's like, I'm awake but not really. Almost still dreaming. That kind of trippy grogginess.
Nothing makes sense right now. Maybe there was some drug-ness going on in those two filet o fish sandwiches I had....
Hopefully a night in alone will remedy that tonight. Perhaps some episodes of the Wire will wake me up. Will tell you after another season or so whether it's worth watching.
---
Speaking of my students, they totally get along now. But I am SO drained after each day with them. I don't remember it being this tiring last semester - or maybe I was but my memory made it seem less so.
Everything has been busy lately, and it's only gonna get busier. Higher powers, help meeeee
Took the Kaimuki kids to a conference today, and all I have to say is that I am exhausted. And a little disturbed.
I was simply exhausted after a day of watching over and helping the kids through a day of speakers and various activities, so after treating the kids to McDonalds and walking home in drizzle, suffice it to say the only I wanted to do was SLEEP. So that's what I did. I put on my sleep-time CD (Kobukuro's Greatest), turned off the lights, and peaced out.
But I woke up realizing I had just had the weirdest dream - a nightmare of sorts.
Get this: I had to pretend I was unconscious or half-dead for 8 days to circumvent a group of people who would otherwise try and kill my family. And after the 8 days, when it was time to come to life, they made the life threat on my family anyway. So I can't tell if I ended up better off or not.
I woke up realizing it wasn't the middle of the night, and that it was 7:05 pm. Needless to say, that "nap" felt like a 10 hour full night's sleep. Heavy, and my body feels so strange. It's like, I'm awake but not really. Almost still dreaming. That kind of trippy grogginess.
Nothing makes sense right now. Maybe there was some drug-ness going on in those two filet o fish sandwiches I had....
Hopefully a night in alone will remedy that tonight. Perhaps some episodes of the Wire will wake me up. Will tell you after another season or so whether it's worth watching.
---
Speaking of my students, they totally get along now. But I am SO drained after each day with them. I don't remember it being this tiring last semester - or maybe I was but my memory made it seem less so.
Everything has been busy lately, and it's only gonna get busier. Higher powers, help meeeee
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Love Day
I won't say Happy V Day, since I know there are a lot of single people out there who hate this holiday. And even non-single people who hate it.
Anyhow, I just take it as an excuse to tell all the people I love that I love them, even though I'm significant-other-less. It's a great day, why waste it? No need to be angry or bitter or sad.
Just enjoy it.
So I wish all of you a great February 14, whether you're with friends, family, or a special someone today!
Drink wine, eat chocolates, and gormandize on great foods!
Anyhow, I just take it as an excuse to tell all the people I love that I love them, even though I'm significant-other-less. It's a great day, why waste it? No need to be angry or bitter or sad.
Just enjoy it.
So I wish all of you a great February 14, whether you're with friends, family, or a special someone today!
Drink wine, eat chocolates, and gormandize on great foods!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Tough times at K-muki High
From yesterday:
Had one of my roughest days today.
Was really looking forward to class at Kaimuki, thinking I was more prepared to handle a large class full of girls (and one boy). I even took an hour and a half to prep materials today, which usually never happens because, well, it never takes that long. I thought I had it down.
But instead, I was in over my head. At least, today. I was so stressed after two of my students decided they would like to fist fight after school. They were both girls. Just some catty, meaningless shit went down and they threwdown. I was just so, I dunno. Caught off guard would probably explain it best.
I know this has nothing to do with me, but today's incident just stressed the hell out of me. It sounds lame, but I just care so much about the kids, and have a pretty good idea of how I want us to learn, to relate, to cooperate and coexist. But when two of your students decide fighting is more important, it's just frustrating. I also care a lot about how I should handle the situation, in a way that doesn't put down any of the kids, but rather, empowers them. Empowers them to make better decisions, to think differently, to challenge themselves and others.
But if they decide fighting is more important, what can you do?
I especially hate to see young women do this kind of thing to each other.
I think I was most overwhelmed because I felt so unprepared and a little helpless. I'm sure I've made the situation much more than it really is, i.e. this will probably be forgotten in a week, but I get anxious over how I should handle the aftermath in our next class, a week from now.
Maybe I just need to stop caring so much. I even lost naptime sleep over this because my mind was racing over what I could have, should have, will have to, do.
Thank goodness for Aya.
I know it'll be on my mind until next class, but hopefully the frustration and hint of dread at confronting and solving the problem will lessen each day. It always does, after all. It's kind of like, really looking forward to something, working super hard for it, and then having it all thrown back in your face. Real talk though, at this point, the prison dealio is WAY more rewarding. Infinitely more so at the moment.
And then fast forward to today.
It's all in the past, at least for now. I was able to talk it out with a few people, and I am not too stressed about it anymore.
The further bad news came about 8 am this morning, when the school counselor, who I had alerted about the incident, called me to let me know the fight had continued elsewhere and it ended up in one my students getting ganged up on.
I was being hard on myself for not being able to deal with a situation in a way that would have avoided the confrontation in the first place, but I guess it's out of my hands. And just my fucking luck, this is the first time the school has had to deal with an incident like this - at least, according to admin.
Anyhow, I'll just worry about how to deal with the situation next Wednesday, I guess. I'm kind of relieved Monday is a holiday, so as to give me ample time to think it through. One thing's for sure - the rest of the class is to be commended in stopping the fight when it first started outside the classroom.
Otherwise, can't complain about much else. My roommate, Maki Ino (no relation to Aya as far as we all know) is amazing. She cooks great, hearty meals for the both of us every night, and it's smooth sailing after practice. How lucky. Hooked up our new HD tv last night, rearranged the place - it's like a whole new living situation. Love it.
Here's to hoping next week runs a little more smoothly.
Had one of my roughest days today.
Was really looking forward to class at Kaimuki, thinking I was more prepared to handle a large class full of girls (and one boy). I even took an hour and a half to prep materials today, which usually never happens because, well, it never takes that long. I thought I had it down.
But instead, I was in over my head. At least, today. I was so stressed after two of my students decided they would like to fist fight after school. They were both girls. Just some catty, meaningless shit went down and they threwdown. I was just so, I dunno. Caught off guard would probably explain it best.
I know this has nothing to do with me, but today's incident just stressed the hell out of me. It sounds lame, but I just care so much about the kids, and have a pretty good idea of how I want us to learn, to relate, to cooperate and coexist. But when two of your students decide fighting is more important, it's just frustrating. I also care a lot about how I should handle the situation, in a way that doesn't put down any of the kids, but rather, empowers them. Empowers them to make better decisions, to think differently, to challenge themselves and others.
But if they decide fighting is more important, what can you do?
I especially hate to see young women do this kind of thing to each other.
I think I was most overwhelmed because I felt so unprepared and a little helpless. I'm sure I've made the situation much more than it really is, i.e. this will probably be forgotten in a week, but I get anxious over how I should handle the aftermath in our next class, a week from now.
Maybe I just need to stop caring so much. I even lost naptime sleep over this because my mind was racing over what I could have, should have, will have to, do.
Thank goodness for Aya.
I know it'll be on my mind until next class, but hopefully the frustration and hint of dread at confronting and solving the problem will lessen each day. It always does, after all. It's kind of like, really looking forward to something, working super hard for it, and then having it all thrown back in your face. Real talk though, at this point, the prison dealio is WAY more rewarding. Infinitely more so at the moment.
And then fast forward to today.
It's all in the past, at least for now. I was able to talk it out with a few people, and I am not too stressed about it anymore.
The further bad news came about 8 am this morning, when the school counselor, who I had alerted about the incident, called me to let me know the fight had continued elsewhere and it ended up in one my students getting ganged up on.
I was being hard on myself for not being able to deal with a situation in a way that would have avoided the confrontation in the first place, but I guess it's out of my hands. And just my fucking luck, this is the first time the school has had to deal with an incident like this - at least, according to admin.
Anyhow, I'll just worry about how to deal with the situation next Wednesday, I guess. I'm kind of relieved Monday is a holiday, so as to give me ample time to think it through. One thing's for sure - the rest of the class is to be commended in stopping the fight when it first started outside the classroom.
Otherwise, can't complain about much else. My roommate, Maki Ino (no relation to Aya as far as we all know) is amazing. She cooks great, hearty meals for the both of us every night, and it's smooth sailing after practice. How lucky. Hooked up our new HD tv last night, rearranged the place - it's like a whole new living situation. Love it.
Here's to hoping next week runs a little more smoothly.
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