Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Lots of thoughts and expectations for the New Year.

I know it's still premature to go into a reflection of the oh-so-interesting 2010 year, but I feel like I need to do this, though briefly.

Here's to a great Christmas that I will try my hardest to appreciate, but I'm basically just waiting for this year to be over.

Between moving and readjusting to LA life, studying for the LSAT, learning more about relationships, gaining 10-15 lbs whilst studying for the LSAT, struggling with taiko in this new city, entering a new and unexpected job niche, dealing with financials, and basically rethinking my whole game plan, it's been maybe a bit of a blessing, but all in all?  A Real Bitch.

Seriously.  It was my Chinese zodiac year - the year of the Tiger - which I thought was supposed to be good luck and fortune and good times all around.

Boy was I in for a surprise.  I can't even really express here now what a rough ride it's really been, but trust me when I say it has.  This is definitely a year that will change me forever, I think.

It's the first time maybe, as much as I hate to admit even a shred of it, that real life has kicked in.  It's a whole new set of challenges and troubles, and I obviously didn't handle it all very well.  It was like all at once, my life was turning and changing directions in every way possible. College was a blast, Hawai'i was an amazing, dreamy transition, and now LA wakes me up with a huge bucket of cold water to the face.

I blame my weight gain on the LSAT - I'm still horrified and surprised all at once that I've let it physically get this far - but really I think eating became my way of coping with all the stress that I had to deal with in ALL aspects of my life, really.  I just didn't know how else to handle it.   I know that will pass in time, but geezus!  Reality is cruel.  On my body.

I know this is all a part of that "journey" - I do still know that it's all for the best because I will make it that way - but goodbye for now to all that idealism I came out of school and the islands with.  Things just don't work out the way you want or expect, at least not all the time and not always in the short term.

In any case, going to focus tonight and tomorrow on appreciating all the great things in my life and the amazing people and support I have around me, because without that and them I never would have made it through the year.  Without a doubt.

So with that, I hope that everyone enjoys this holiday season.  I know I will be celebrating the end of one chapter and the beginning of the rest of my life!  Like in Tangled.  harhar.  Merry Christmas, world.  Hope it's a happy season for everyone because that's the true nature and spirit of Christmas, after all: being with the people you love and cherish the most, and appreciating all of the great things around you.

What has happened to my life

This is a very bad time in my life.

Everything seems stressful, and to top it all off, I've gained an inexcusable amount of weight.  Like, VISIBLY.  This means at least 10 pounds.

I feel so miserable and mopey, and I have to take the LSAT tomorrow with all of this negativity on my shoulders.  I just can't seem to shake it off.  I can't even say I at least feel good about myself right now.

And then of course, amidst all the stress my body gives up and now I have a bad cold.  If I feel too sick tomorrow (and I will still have to take the test), all the work I've done on this damn test for the past SIX MONTHS of my life is for naught.  I really just feel like shit.

This is really the closest thing I have to any diary, and I haven't had nearly enough time spent here.

I guess some positives are that the holidays are coming up, the test will soon be over, which means I can diet and and exercise my ASS OFF, and the people I care most about are here for me.  But if only I could just lose the weight right here and now.  I can see the fat in my face and mirrors have now become my enemy.

From my work blog, "US and Them"

I should have posted the original entry here, but I thought it would add some nice spice to my other one.

http://candiceusjc.blogspot.com/2010/11/progressive-rant-or-maybe-whine.html

Check it out.

Where do I belong?

Just watched a clip of an old performance by KETE (Kenny Endo Taiko Ensemble)...and it made me long for Hawai'i and that taiko group again.

I've been feeling dissatisfied here in LA, to an extent that I can't quite figure out.  In Hawai'i I felt like I had really found myself and figured out my life.  I knew that my stay in Honolulu would be temporary, but I discovered my passion for taiko and was ready to reclaim my future in a law career once relocating to Los Angeles, a place I considered home, while also figuring out a way to stay involved in taiko through groups here.

But lately, home has felt...weird, in taiko, and socially.  I don't feel comfortable or at home here.  I think I'm discovering that everything I thought taiko would be here in Los Angeles isn't, and instead, despite its shortcomings, I really want to be back in Honolulu playing with TCP and KETE.  I loved teaching there, I loved being with the group, and sure, it got unbearable and frustrating at times and I couldn't wait to leave, but it got me thinking.  If one day I relocated to Hawai'i as an attorney, it might not be so bad.  Perhaps start an ACLU chapter over there?

Okay, so it was hard for me to be politically active in Honolulu, which was part of why I was dissatisfied with that experience, so I'm definitely being idealistic here.  Plus, I think memory has been kind to my time there, mainly because my time here has proven difficult and well, just different.

I think my taiko experience so far has been at the root of my feeling dissatisfied and somewhat unhappy lately, but there's just something else that I haven't been able to explain.

I want to say it also has to do with my closest friends being away and feeling like they're inaccessible for a while, and life now is just not what I thought it would be, causing a sensation of being unhappy or discontent with my situation now.  In Honolulu I hung out with my close friends regularly, whether after practices or on weekends.  Here, everyone in LA is away or too busy or inaccessible or I'm too busy or away or inaccessible, and so I'm left with that.

Dok has been wonderful though, in taking care of me despite his own hardships, so I really am grateful for that.  I think Honolulu can always figure into my future law career (i.e. if not law school there, relocate to Honolulu to take the HI state bar exam after passing CA, crossing my fingers) in some way, and if I decide that's what I want, it's always a possibility.  For now though, I have to stick with this and make it work.

In other news, this entry has been interrupted by a knock on my door.  MY BUSINESS CARDS ARE HERE!  WITH MY NAME ON THEM!!!

I love work.

Women

As a side note, I now have a work-related blog to place many of the articles and relevant thoughts that come across my desk.  It's mostly US-Japan related topics of course, but with a global perspective, many other factors inevitably come into play.

Most recently, this topic of women in the workplace.  It's one of the main topics our organization has been tackling, and there is actually a group of women affiliated with, or a part of, our organization, that are dedicating to researching and collaborating on this, figuring out how to work with Japanese women, how it affects both the US and Japan, strategizing, planning, etc.

But what frustrated me, mainly today, was a report I received via email regarding the trends that are affecting Japanese women today.  These trends, no doubt, are affecting women, but the kinds of things that are attributed to women are so surface level, and not really delving into the real issues that cause women to bear social hardship, particularly in the workplace.

There's even a comparison drawn to "Eat Pray Love," and, admittedly, because of all the race-gender-class perspectives I read about on that movie, it made me think that we can't really talk about women without addressing the rest of those lenses.

Within the organization as it pertains to this topic, there are discussions on how corporations are helping women advance by taking into consideration their diverse backgrounds and needs, "challenging" the status quo, encouraging a progressive working environment....

Although at face value, and probably to most people, it sounds great and exciting and effective, when we really take it apart, it's not challenging anything.  Sure, working within the system is great, especially for big corporations like Deloitte, but to say they're challenging the status quo especially is a longshot.  Corporations are, inherently, not only a part of, but upholding status quo.  This, of course, should go without saying.

So really when I see things like this "report" - which, it is worth noting, was put together by Japanese businesswomen and researchers but is being distributed and presented by a man - it's frustrating.  Where is the real work to address these women, and why isn't our organization questioning these things?

Of course, as a nonpartisan nonprofit organization I suppose that would complicate things too much. It would offend our membership, our corporate sponsors (we even have defense corps donating major funds), and all those other important people who benefit the most from the status quo.  Challenge the system?  Are you kidding? It just goes to show how a non-progressive organization can sometimes just prove...well, ineffective for people like me.

I was just thinking

And I am dead serious, that T.I. knows probably as well as any former incarcerated person, what the prison system is like, and how it affects an individual's life.

After watching this video and seeing the comment about the album name changing from "King Uncaged" to "No Mercy," I recalled hearing on the radio that T.I., after recently being released from prison, is going to be put back in because of some weapon charges or some violation of probation, something along those lines.  The report indicated that he pleaded not to be sent back to prison after just getting out, but it seemed the judge wasn't having any of that.  That, at least, is the impression I got from that story.  I'll have to check my sources later.

Anyhow, as involved as I've become in the prisoner reentry campaign that will be starting up foreal at the end of this year, it made me think that T.I. could really lend some knowledge and visibility to this kind of campaign.  The more radical end of the anti-prison movement is the prison abolition side, with important folks like Angela Davis and Ruth Wilson Gilmore, and awesome orgs like Critical Resistance and perhaps on a less explicitly abolitionist platform, the ACLU, at the forefront.  It would be great if he could lend his experiences and thoughts on the prison system to the movement; although I could see how T.I. may not be considered the most "reputable" of representatives, I say fuck it - this movement would be all about the people and families and their cause anyway.

Who knows if he has really been thinking about his experiences in this way, but then even better, because it can become a 2 way educational opportunity.

Just some thoughts that may not turn into action at this point, but I think it's something to consider if T.I. ever gets wind of this kind of work and decides he's interesting in lending a helping hand.

Great quote on prisons.

From the Real Cost of Prisons Weblog, on article titled, "Final Call: Report: Modern-Day Debtors' Prisons Devastating the Poor" --

According to Kurt Kaaekuahiwi, an intern with Critical Resistance, the definite intent of debtors' prisons is to keep people within the system, but resources should be put into educational or job training programs within prisons to help those men and women re-entering secure jobs once they are released.


“We have to divest from policing, divest from incarceration, and divest from prison expansion. Obviously, these monies that are being appropriated are through the general fund, which is from our tax dollars, and being used to further criminalize, stigmatize, and keep us trapped in the system, but that money is not used to support our needs of affordable housing or job opportunities,” he said.