Okay, let’s face it. Sometimes taking the red pill sucks.

You can call it a caveat to any progressive, gung-ho, motivated piece I write or read or come in contact with.

After teaching at Kaimuki High School for about seven months now, I have to come to terms with the reality of my, and our, situations.

As someone who considers herself a progressive activist, I admit, I become quite cocky about my politics sometimes. Elitists in their own right, other progressives do it too. We all look down our noses at ignorant folk who don’t know the difference between equality and equity, at people who don’t know their Pacific Islanders from their Asian Americans, their liberals from their progressives, their genders from their sexualities, and so on. Especially coming out of college, that “swagger of a college kid” that T.I. talks about is ever so apparent, and for a long time, I thought I knew it all. My dominant personal politics were just that – strong, proud, and never afraid to throwdown (figuratively speaking, of course).

When I came out here to Hawai’i, for a bit I thought, oh, these people. These teachers, they don’t know what they’re doing, they don’t respect their students, etcetera, etcetera. I had no doubt in my mind about what I believed, about how I would run my class.

But fast forward to now, and I find myself these days with an ever-shifting attitude about my job. Over the course of those seven months, I’ve gotten to see what students at other high schools are like – how some of my Kaimuki students compare to the average student at other places. And to be frank, my students, due to their recent immigrant backgrounds or other family situations, lack a lot of basic grammar, critical thinking, and comprehensive reading skills. All of the skills we take for granted in everyday life, I have to try and explain or break down for them. It’s incredibly difficult to teach something you thought you – and everyone else - always just knew how to do.

Let’s be real. Every week, I’ve come to dread teaching now. Not because my students are terrible, but because this job is so incredibly demanding for so little reward. Perhaps it’s because I’m not a strict teacher – and I know that’s a part of it – but more so for other reasons, my students are kind of all over the place. Absences are common and so beyond my control. Technically, I’m supposed to fail every student who misses 3 or more classes, but if I did that, I’d only have two students in this class. Lessons take twice as long as they should because some students take longer to understand the material than others. It’s class, it’s gender, it’s race, the issues around immigration, all in play here, and I…well, just can’t seem to handle it.

It’s incredibly frustrating, and here’s my most recent example.

There’s a travel program that the organization that hired me is putting on. Basically no student from Kaimuki has even ever applied, so the organization urged myself and the school counselor to get students to apply – ONE student would be guaranteed to make it and be able to spend a few weeks on a high school-version study abroad trip to South Korea.

Of course, I had two students who said they would apply, and they asked me to write their letters of recommendation, which I had to take extra effort and time to complete. I set aside my own time to help them with their essays, make sure they understood and could complete the application. I was excited because this trip to South Korea would be an eye opening and once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for these kids.

Today, I found out neither of them submitted their application. For reasons I couldn’t quite understand.

It’s not that I don’t believe my students, and they both claim it was because of their parents, but to be honest they were more excuses, to me, than anything else.

I know it’s partly selfish to want for these kids what I think would have been great for them, but it was incredibly discouraging and disappointing to hear this.

Add that to poor attendance and you get me, constantly frustrated for reasons beyond my control.

More than anything, I want these kids to become empowered from this class, to learn something new – at least one thing each class – and understand something from this world. And while I understand I’m not failing – I do know the students can relate to each other and to me on a good level – I feel like the reward is just not justifying the effort.

As I write this, I feel more and more guilty for feeling this way. The work after all, is not about me, it’s about them, the community. But when it becomes burnout, then it’s an issue.

I feel guilty either way. If I leave this job, I feel like I’m not fulfilling my own expectations by staying in it and working with kids who could get some fun and educational life experiences from this class. But I know the longer I stay, the less I enjoy and appreciate it, and the more I dread it. Which isn’t right. These students should never have someone teaching them who doesn’t enjoy it and them.

Alas, let’s not even speak about the pay. I’m not complaining, but basically I do really need to make a living, and it’s hard with this job. It’s hard to know you’re working three times as hard as you need to, and it’s still difficult to afford everyday luxuries.

OKAY, so it’s not like I’m impoverished and of course there are others who are worse off than I. I’m not trying to make others feel sorry for me, I’m just saying it like it is. Now, more than ever, I understand that dilemma of having to make a living, versus do what is right and just for the community and for others.

Still, don’t get me wrong. I would choose the cause over money anyday, i.e. I would, without hesitation, choose a lower paying job that I’d enjoy over a high paying job that I’d hate every day of my life.

It’s just rough, and I’ve tried to justify it to myself by saying, I’m not cut out to be a teacher anyway. I talked to my mom about it the other day, and she said, “well, you never wanted to be a teacher, right?” Which is correct. I’m going into law someday.

But I guess it’s still a slap in the face to realize you aren’t enjoying the kind of work that can be really great for these kids.

I’ve pretty much decided at this point that I won’t continue this job after the end of this semester, because I think the kids deserve better. I love them, for sure, but it’s hard to love the work. I also realize that nothing is perfect, no setup, no nonprofit, no community job, is going to be everything it should be. But maybe I just don’t belong here.

Only time will tell, I guess. Meanwhile, I will just have to try my hardest to give these kids the kind of efforts they deserve from a teacher, and work to remind myself why it’s important.

OH YEAH -

One more thing I had to vent about - CHRIS AND RIHANNA...REALLY!? I'm sure it's common in a lot of domestic violence-type situations for her to go back to him, but I mean, shit. To put it bluntly, the first time any man hits me would be the last. He would get what's coming to him.

I hope she is able to heal, inside and out. I also can't stand how Mekhi and Kanye are standing up for him - it's infuriating. I mean, foreal, putting a woman in a headlock after you've just beat her, then biting her ear, is no "mistake." Major. Bullshit.

AND another thing - why is the media (namely, E! news) trying to TRACK THEM DOWN!? Leave them the fuck alone, for goodness' sake!! GAWD, THIS SOCIETY!

Word of the Day: FRAZZLED

It's been a rougher past few weeks than I had thought, I guess.

Took the Kaimuki kids to a conference today, and all I have to say is that I am exhausted. And a little disturbed.

I was simply exhausted after a day of watching over and helping the kids through a day of speakers and various activities, so after treating the kids to McDonalds and walking home in drizzle, suffice it to say the only I wanted to do was SLEEP. So that's what I did. I put on my sleep-time CD (Kobukuro's Greatest), turned off the lights, and peaced out.

But I woke up realizing I had just had the weirdest dream - a nightmare of sorts.

Get this: I had to pretend I was unconscious or half-dead for 8 days to circumvent a group of people who would otherwise try and kill my family. And after the 8 days, when it was time to come to life, they made the life threat on my family anyway. So I can't tell if I ended up better off or not.

I woke up realizing it wasn't the middle of the night, and that it was 7:05 pm. Needless to say, that "nap" felt like a 10 hour full night's sleep. Heavy, and my body feels so strange. It's like, I'm awake but not really. Almost still dreaming. That kind of trippy grogginess.

Nothing makes sense right now. Maybe there was some drug-ness going on in those two filet o fish sandwiches I had....

Hopefully a night in alone will remedy that tonight. Perhaps some episodes of the Wire will wake me up. Will tell you after another season or so whether it's worth watching.

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Speaking of my students, they totally get along now. But I am SO drained after each day with them. I don't remember it being this tiring last semester - or maybe I was but my memory made it seem less so.

Everything has been busy lately, and it's only gonna get busier. Higher powers, help meeeee