I think I'm still on LA time

Oh man. (woman? Is that phrase sexist?)  What a week.

Just got back from a great, but short, week in LA for sister birthday celebrations, and came home to Honolulu.  Missed the humid, cleaner air, and my taiko ohana.  It's nice to be back, and kind of brought about musings about how well I'm going to adjust back to LA life.  But I suppose that can be for another time.

Have been trying to be a good friend to someone in need all week, and although I'm happy to do it, it is exhausting.

One, yes, because it can become hard to be there for someone 24 hours of the day, but mostly because - two, the hurt and emotional pain she's dealing with is a result of a relationship situation that is all too familiar.  

I think it became hard for me when I realized every story she tells, every description of the feelings she experiences, is unpleasantly similar to everything I went through at some point in my college life.  What a mess.  I know what she is going through, I know what she has to go through to get to "being okay," and - I dunno.  Too many old feelings.  Even worse, the feeling of - "I know this is hurting me and I am so unhappy all the time but I can't take myself away from it."  It's so sad to watch a close friend have to endure something like that, and know that the only thing that will make it better is time.  I even gave her my Zen tarot cards to help her with the ordeal (it works when you really need it most).

The good news is, I considered churning out some profound artsy emo piece but I don't think I'm going through those feelings anymore...so it wouldn't even work.  

Thank goodness for being past that.  Finally.

Too personal?  Sorry.  It just felt like blog material at the time.

Less than 2 weeks before I'm back in LA again and August adventures begin.  Lots of things to do, and plenty more wonderful people to seeeeeee - can't wait!

What the real world shows you

As I work on this long overdue project about Japanese American women and the gender dynamics they encounter in their work, I am reminded about and confronted with some of the issues discussed in my interviews - namely, a college student's politics and its evolution post-graduation.

For college activists, the experience is fierce.  It's enlivening, empowering, exciting to talk about and condemn certain groups on issues, and to fight on the right (as in, correct, NOT right-wing) side of things.  It makes us feel alive to be angry at something when the world suddenly makes sense - to be angry at the government, the (white) people in power, the privileged, the ignorant, or those that are all of the above.

But one year later, I have to ask myself - where did all that go?

In some sense, nowhere.  I still carry a strong belief in a lot of my progressive politics, but I think I have a better grasp on reality now.  Current college activists might call it "becoming moderate," or selling out in some way.  If my college self knew my current self, I'd do the same. I'd call myself names and feel a little pissed off, frankly.

I felt this way about some older folks, or folks in the JA community, or just people I'd meet on an everyday basis.  It was always something caustically critical, about how these people could think a certain way or not take action on a certain thing.

Don't get me wrong - I also still have some of those criticisms saved up for choice folks in my world - but in general, I really needed to just cut those groups some slack.

That entry I wrote months ago about the JA community, for example.  That's a prime instance of college politics.  Not being afraid to speak out about something, in a way that might offend others and done in a tone that's incredibly self-righteous.

A lot of what I said I don't necessarily take back, but I think what I am going to change or modify is that statement about determination to work in that community.  Because the reality of it is, I don't think that's where my passion or my niche really lies.  There are already so many people doing amazing and effective work that will last a long time for both the Japanese American and Little Tokyo communities.  If I entered that work based on the feelings I was experiencing then, it would only be to prove something to myself and to others.  And that should never be the reason for doing that kind of work.  For any kind of work, really, but for community-oriented ones especially.

My time away has done wonders, and going through experiences like teaching at a local public high school in Honolulu or teaching prison youth really put me in my place.  A college student knows a lot of things theoretically, but throw her into the fire, and it's a whole different story.  Suddenly the rhetoric becomes life, and life is really hard to deal with; not that easy to fix.  It's the reality of why folks who are IN the work, foreal, for life, become so jaded with the way our system, our world, and our society work.  

Megumi said that's why we need the youth, for their energy and inspiration.  Because it's a tough and ugly world out there, and sometimes seeing them so excited and eager to affect positive change in our communities is a refreshing thing for us.  

It's so very true.  

I'm not a jaded individual, not just yet.  I still have some of that college activist swagg, but now with a taste of what real work can bring.  I am still dedicating myself to community work, no doubt, and I am absolutely excited for what the future brings.

One day older, and perhaps just that much wiser.  

Bring it on.

How can you not love it

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I apologize, that my blog has become a reposting site for the Lolseries.  I just can't help myself, and it makes me feel good to update everyday, even if it's not a real thoughtful or particularly meaningful post.

Coming soon: a more original post on post-undergrad progressive politics.  

:)