Had the chance to reconnect with (aka read, for the first time in years) an old blog that I had kept, secretly, for the purpose of pouring out my most intimate, emotional thoughts. Upon reading the first few entries, which were heavily depressing and weighed down by hopelessness, my initial thoughts were that these must be from college sometime, when things were unmistakably difficult for multiple reasons.
But at the end of one entry, after coming across an "ew, Geckos!" type statement, I realized these sad sentiments were from my first few months in Hawai'i. I had felt so alone, so burdened, and kind of scared, then all at once frustrated because the transition was stressful. Of course, a majority of this experience on the island came from having to cut myself off, cold turkey, from an unhealthy relationship-type...well, relationship, but all in all I think I felt so out of my element.
I'm kind of in a similar place now, only just with the transition part. Having to start over, a little bit, and in a different way than Hawai'i, but I keep telling myself I will eventually get to a good, comfortable, established point.
I didn't even remember that I had moments like that in Hawai'i because the latter portion of my stay there was incomparably amazing and marked by so many defining and beautiful memories. I am hoping that the same will be true of my experiences here now, back in LA, back home, with familiar places and people.
At the same time, I'm hoping that I can finally, at some point, get to a good place in this job especially. I've decided I do want this, I do want to be here, so badly, and most of all, I want to be important to this organization. I don't know where or when this change of heart came, but I know that at least for now, this is what I'm putting my efforts into. But it is hard, because there are numerous occurrences that make me feel like I'm not good enough for this position, or at least...the way that the position is structured and set up, I'll never make it to where I want to be.
I'm real good at putting myself down these days, so the struggle to stay positive has been a tough one, especially when new staff over on the other side are much more invested and connected in so much less time.
I suppose it'll have to take some more positive/proactive thinking and an end to the over thinking, but my ego here is pretty sensitive and fragile at best, so hopefully that can change at some point. It's the quest to PROVE myself, if you will, not just to the people here, but to prove a point to myself also. It's what I WANT! And it will happen. Being out of my element and comfort zone will prove useful and beneficial for me. I will win over this test of character and determination. I just don't know when.
In all likelihood it will just be a crazy rollercoaster ride for many more months, and then somewhere, BAM, I'll realize I'm in. Like, really in.
And then from there, we'll see where I can take it, and where life will take me.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Diamond in the Rough
Things have been very busy as of late, and it's reminding me of how much I enjoyed (in a workaholic kind of way) the challenge of time-energy management. Everything I've started the past couple of months is starting to pick up; as the new group of trainees in taiko we learned (and mini-recital style performed) our first piece, LSAT classes have been pummeling me with daily homework, and work is starting to become comfortable and is now challenging in a new, welcome way, especially with a huge first Conference coming up in September. In all of these I'm struggling to find a purpose and my own niche - I can feel that everything is going to fit together wonderfully again somehow, but I'm not quite sure yet how or when that will happen. Still, it's right on the horizon. As Alex would say, that's some Alchemist shit right there. Playing the part of the Shepherd can be a wonderful, albeit stressful, thing.
Work is a bit of a struggle because I've yet to establish some credibility, but I am feeling more invested because little by little I'm realizing how much I could learn from this organization. Upon beginning this job I was a little disappointed because I had told myself I would work for a nonprofit...it was only this morning, in the shower, that I realized I AM working for a nonprofit, just not for the purpose I had originally pictured. Still, on developmental, communicative, and even international affair-related levels, as a young but well-connected organization it has a lot to offer. I'm hoping that at some point down the line I will have something to offer it as well, but only time will tell whether that will happen. Or rather, it WILL happen, I just have to wait for the right time.
And I have to admit, Irene is incredibly inspiring. To learn from her would be like learning from one of the masters of working the influentials. I mean, she works it. Like nobody else I know of. Now if only I were in DC, I could at least see her face to face on some regular basis. I don't have that luxury here in LA. But the LA-DC distance is a different story altogether.
LSATs are slowly starting to come together for me - Logic Games and Logical Reasoning..and well, even Reading Comprehension - that is, the whole test - is most definitely a challenging obstacle. But class and the piles of homework are, very slowly but (hopefully) very surely, proving to be useful. The test is still (or maybe only) two months away, so as long as I stick with it and don't get lazy, it'll all play out just right. When I first started I thought I'd never be able to figure out those games, so needless to say, it's like a mini-life victory when I can successfully complete even one. I almost wish I had even MORE time to practice it all.
Taiko is exciting, but when is it not? I am definitely looking forward to the next 2 years I'll be able to spend with the team, and it makes it all the better because I love my trainee group. The 4 of us have a lot of fun together, and we are all able to learn relatively quickly, which means we can get it together faster and try and learn more in shorter amounts of time. Or at least, that's my hope. It's only been a few weeks, but really, the faster the better.
Waiting, but not in a complacent manner if that makes any sense, for everything to fall into place, as it seems it already is. Sometimes there is so much going on in my head that I think if I don't put it down in words somewhere, i.e. here, I'll go nuts. But I guess that's just a sign that there's a lot happening, and as a result, a lot that is going to happen in the upcoming months. A little nervous, but mostly excited. Let's just hope it doesn't all end up consuming me in the end. Here's to the universe...and it's conspiratory nature. Only, in our favor, like the old king said.
Work is a bit of a struggle because I've yet to establish some credibility, but I am feeling more invested because little by little I'm realizing how much I could learn from this organization. Upon beginning this job I was a little disappointed because I had told myself I would work for a nonprofit...it was only this morning, in the shower, that I realized I AM working for a nonprofit, just not for the purpose I had originally pictured. Still, on developmental, communicative, and even international affair-related levels, as a young but well-connected organization it has a lot to offer. I'm hoping that at some point down the line I will have something to offer it as well, but only time will tell whether that will happen. Or rather, it WILL happen, I just have to wait for the right time.
And I have to admit, Irene is incredibly inspiring. To learn from her would be like learning from one of the masters of working the influentials. I mean, she works it. Like nobody else I know of. Now if only I were in DC, I could at least see her face to face on some regular basis. I don't have that luxury here in LA. But the LA-DC distance is a different story altogether.
LSATs are slowly starting to come together for me - Logic Games and Logical Reasoning..and well, even Reading Comprehension - that is, the whole test - is most definitely a challenging obstacle. But class and the piles of homework are, very slowly but (hopefully) very surely, proving to be useful. The test is still (or maybe only) two months away, so as long as I stick with it and don't get lazy, it'll all play out just right. When I first started I thought I'd never be able to figure out those games, so needless to say, it's like a mini-life victory when I can successfully complete even one. I almost wish I had even MORE time to practice it all.
Taiko is exciting, but when is it not? I am definitely looking forward to the next 2 years I'll be able to spend with the team, and it makes it all the better because I love my trainee group. The 4 of us have a lot of fun together, and we are all able to learn relatively quickly, which means we can get it together faster and try and learn more in shorter amounts of time. Or at least, that's my hope. It's only been a few weeks, but really, the faster the better.
Waiting, but not in a complacent manner if that makes any sense, for everything to fall into place, as it seems it already is. Sometimes there is so much going on in my head that I think if I don't put it down in words somewhere, i.e. here, I'll go nuts. But I guess that's just a sign that there's a lot happening, and as a result, a lot that is going to happen in the upcoming months. A little nervous, but mostly excited. Let's just hope it doesn't all end up consuming me in the end. Here's to the universe...and it's conspiratory nature. Only, in our favor, like the old king said.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Transitions
Some supplements to the law school story that I found interesting:
Shortcut to being a lawyer? Don't go to law school.
AND
The sameness of legal life
The first is about a man's lawsuit to trying to be able to take the bar without law school, and if Planet Law School is legit at all, then there's some truth to the fact that we aren't allowed to take the bar without law school because it's possible that people would pass it without law school (thereby rendering law school potentially useless...or at least less useful than supposed).
The second tells the story of the always-talked-about dilemma law school can and does present - that is, keeping your originality and values intact whilst chasing the legal "dream." It almost exactly articulates all the things I've been afraid of.
Other than that, been thinking a lot about where my life is going to go in the next couple of years. Namely, how I'm going to stay progressive.
There are so many questions about what it means to be "Progressive," as in there are a lot of people who identify themselves as such, but these people can differ from each other in significant ways. I used to have a very narrowly defined version of the ideological concept in college and spurn those "faux" progressives who tried to get in on the action, but have found my definition has expanded considerably, and is now a lot more inclusive these days.
Can I still be a progressive if I work for a company, nonprofit, organization, group etc. that doesn't necessarily follow those ideals?
What if I have friends or social circles that are not progressive?
Can I still carry those values with me, subtly practice them in some way everyday and still be considered a progressive?
Am I even effecting change if I am doing things this way, and if I feel like I am not effecting change, how does that influence my progressivism?
Are there some minimum hours required to be dedicated to activism or advocacy or organizing to qualify as a progressive? What about minimum levels of education or knowledge on these matters? (i.e. to be a progressive, you need to understand/know how to direct action organize)
Of course I don't think that all of these have to be answered a particular way to be right or wrong, and I would never now try and dictate how someone identifies (who am I, the empress of progressivism??), but I guess there's a level of dissatisfaction internally with the way things are right now because I don't necessarily consider them ideal (for myself). And yet, even with that dissatisfaction, for the time being I have come to terms with the situation because I don't have a whole lot of options at the moment.
Content dissatisfaction? Does that even make sense?
Anyway, something along those lines. A lot of times I miss the fervor and the enthusiasm with which campus organizing often is executed, but having moved forward in a particular way since then, I don't think that exact environment is for me anymore. Something like it, maybe, but with some real life adjustments.
I guess as long as I continue to make the effort to surround myself with the right people and involve myself in the right spaces, I'll never lose it, at least not completely. It all will be what I make of it, I realize that...I just am very aware of the constant push and pull that happens between my internal idealistic needs, and my real time, real life situations.
It's a big part of why, humbly, I want to make the skeleton of Malcolm X's story my own. If that makes any sense to you, you win.
Shortcut to being a lawyer? Don't go to law school.
AND
The sameness of legal life
The first is about a man's lawsuit to trying to be able to take the bar without law school, and if Planet Law School is legit at all, then there's some truth to the fact that we aren't allowed to take the bar without law school because it's possible that people would pass it without law school (thereby rendering law school potentially useless...or at least less useful than supposed).
The second tells the story of the always-talked-about dilemma law school can and does present - that is, keeping your originality and values intact whilst chasing the legal "dream." It almost exactly articulates all the things I've been afraid of.
Other than that, been thinking a lot about where my life is going to go in the next couple of years. Namely, how I'm going to stay progressive.
There are so many questions about what it means to be "Progressive," as in there are a lot of people who identify themselves as such, but these people can differ from each other in significant ways. I used to have a very narrowly defined version of the ideological concept in college and spurn those "faux" progressives who tried to get in on the action, but have found my definition has expanded considerably, and is now a lot more inclusive these days.
Can I still be a progressive if I work for a company, nonprofit, organization, group etc. that doesn't necessarily follow those ideals?
What if I have friends or social circles that are not progressive?
Can I still carry those values with me, subtly practice them in some way everyday and still be considered a progressive?
Am I even effecting change if I am doing things this way, and if I feel like I am not effecting change, how does that influence my progressivism?
Are there some minimum hours required to be dedicated to activism or advocacy or organizing to qualify as a progressive? What about minimum levels of education or knowledge on these matters? (i.e. to be a progressive, you need to understand/know how to direct action organize)
Of course I don't think that all of these have to be answered a particular way to be right or wrong, and I would never now try and dictate how someone identifies (who am I, the empress of progressivism??), but I guess there's a level of dissatisfaction internally with the way things are right now because I don't necessarily consider them ideal (for myself). And yet, even with that dissatisfaction, for the time being I have come to terms with the situation because I don't have a whole lot of options at the moment.
Content dissatisfaction? Does that even make sense?
Anyway, something along those lines. A lot of times I miss the fervor and the enthusiasm with which campus organizing often is executed, but having moved forward in a particular way since then, I don't think that exact environment is for me anymore. Something like it, maybe, but with some real life adjustments.
I guess as long as I continue to make the effort to surround myself with the right people and involve myself in the right spaces, I'll never lose it, at least not completely. It all will be what I make of it, I realize that...I just am very aware of the constant push and pull that happens between my internal idealistic needs, and my real time, real life situations.
It's a big part of why, humbly, I want to make the skeleton of Malcolm X's story my own. If that makes any sense to you, you win.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Overload.
Geezus. It's like I conquered the world when I get 3 logical reasoning questions in a row CORRECT...except that now I have like 57 more to go. What the hell.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The Madness Begins
The lack of relaxing this past July 4th weekend is a glaring indication that my fun time is over...at least for the next four months.
LSAT prep began on Saturday with our first practice test, and it was an intense four hours, to say the least. (It had also been a super long morning because I had a waxing appointment at 7 am. Nothing like a bikini wax early in the morning to get you going for the rest of your day.)
Logic games were a killer, like everyone says they are. Reading comprehension I think saved me. I didn't score my test til Monday, but I found out I did alright...better than I'd originally thought. If I can improve my score 20 points by October, I'm in the gold. But 20 points!! It's really time to hit the books.
Sunday, the magical day of fireworks...was chill during the day, only I had to go to taiko at night. As brand new trainees all we did was sit and watch...and I didn't get to watch fireworks, but I'm not complaining too much. It's always good to watch and learn...or try and learn, and I think just being there helps earn credibility. You know, that whole put in the time and effort thing. Plus, I got to see a few fireworks going on around the city when I went to see my mom at her office later that night. Good to know there are still fireworks going on at 11 pm.
Then Monday! Woke up super early to drive to the airport and do a drop off...then came back home and slept in for a bit. Then 6-10 pm, LSAT class. Our first formal class. All in all, the class was just okay. I think Blueprint prides itself a little too much on the novelty of what I'm going to call...modern humor. Like, college humor I guess. Our teacher is cool and all, but he tries a little too hard to be funny I think...and he's not even really the greatest teacher or anything. Not even close. Although he has a great success story of his own (180 on the LSAT, Harvard Law, now in LA trying to be a writer), I'm not sure he's going to give me any great moments of enlightenment or anything over the course of this class. Plus it made me think of all the things Aya talks about with the way these prep courses teach standardized testing methods.
Anyway, it's a bearable thing overall and I think if I really apply myself I can learn a lot. No doubt. Plus if they keep hammering us with homework like this, I think I may get used to this logic games stuff. I'm serio gonna need the work!
I would've liked to lounge around and do nothing all weekend...but I think I've done enough of that now. It's back to work today for the week...plus more class and even more homework.
This is def going to take some getting used to.
I have though, in the bigger picture, decided to take ONE MORE year off. Yes, so law school is postponed another year, for a total of 3 years between undergrad and LS. Initially the idea was hard to deal with, but I think I'm beginning to see that it might be the best choice for me.
The reason is, taiko. Big surprise, right?
I've been wanting to play with TP for so long that I think it would be an injustice to bar myself from really getting the full experience of playing with the group...and although the group isn't quite the same anymore, I still think there's so much that I can learn from my time with them. Just one more year so that I can play with them for two...then it's off to law school for sure.
FOR SURE!
All the time I put into the LSAT this summer will make sure of that. No doubts. My mind is set and it will be done!
LSAT prep began on Saturday with our first practice test, and it was an intense four hours, to say the least. (It had also been a super long morning because I had a waxing appointment at 7 am. Nothing like a bikini wax early in the morning to get you going for the rest of your day.)
Logic games were a killer, like everyone says they are. Reading comprehension I think saved me. I didn't score my test til Monday, but I found out I did alright...better than I'd originally thought. If I can improve my score 20 points by October, I'm in the gold. But 20 points!! It's really time to hit the books.
Sunday, the magical day of fireworks...was chill during the day, only I had to go to taiko at night. As brand new trainees all we did was sit and watch...and I didn't get to watch fireworks, but I'm not complaining too much. It's always good to watch and learn...or try and learn, and I think just being there helps earn credibility. You know, that whole put in the time and effort thing. Plus, I got to see a few fireworks going on around the city when I went to see my mom at her office later that night. Good to know there are still fireworks going on at 11 pm.
Then Monday! Woke up super early to drive to the airport and do a drop off...then came back home and slept in for a bit. Then 6-10 pm, LSAT class. Our first formal class. All in all, the class was just okay. I think Blueprint prides itself a little too much on the novelty of what I'm going to call...modern humor. Like, college humor I guess. Our teacher is cool and all, but he tries a little too hard to be funny I think...and he's not even really the greatest teacher or anything. Not even close. Although he has a great success story of his own (180 on the LSAT, Harvard Law, now in LA trying to be a writer), I'm not sure he's going to give me any great moments of enlightenment or anything over the course of this class. Plus it made me think of all the things Aya talks about with the way these prep courses teach standardized testing methods.
Anyway, it's a bearable thing overall and I think if I really apply myself I can learn a lot. No doubt. Plus if they keep hammering us with homework like this, I think I may get used to this logic games stuff. I'm serio gonna need the work!
I would've liked to lounge around and do nothing all weekend...but I think I've done enough of that now. It's back to work today for the week...plus more class and even more homework.
This is def going to take some getting used to.
I have though, in the bigger picture, decided to take ONE MORE year off. Yes, so law school is postponed another year, for a total of 3 years between undergrad and LS. Initially the idea was hard to deal with, but I think I'm beginning to see that it might be the best choice for me.
The reason is, taiko. Big surprise, right?
I've been wanting to play with TP for so long that I think it would be an injustice to bar myself from really getting the full experience of playing with the group...and although the group isn't quite the same anymore, I still think there's so much that I can learn from my time with them. Just one more year so that I can play with them for two...then it's off to law school for sure.
FOR SURE!
All the time I put into the LSAT this summer will make sure of that. No doubts. My mind is set and it will be done!
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