I really cried

Although I know there have been doubts and speculation as to the true accuracy of the autobiography, I still was very moved by Haley's epilogue to Malcolm X's life story.

Here was a man who wasn't afraid to fire-brand speak about the truths within his community. He started out angry and, after Mecca, adopted a whole new humanitarian perspective on life. We talk about being too afraid or unsure about ourselves to talk about what we're really thinking or feeling, and Malcolm X was no such type. Thank goodness.

I won't summarize the story, but I think this book has provided me with what I need while I'm here - it's hard to explain without sounding boringly cliche, but I feel something sparked - a new kind of energy and perspective I've taken from this piece.

I've earmarked and post-it marked various pages for quoting...and thought I would want to type them out, but now I'd rather not. It seems too...what's the word? predictable to do.




--
So many thoughts and too little time to be able to articulate them.

Becoming increasingly angry with the educational injustices here in Hawaii is one thing I've seen firsthand. I don't get why Hawaiian society isn't more keen on this problem, I'm told it's just the way people are here. Some, maybe, but not all. And why does it have to "just be that way??"

And I've joked about it, but my own perception of myself has changed a lot while I've been here. Or, more like shifted. Back in LA, it was a lot of anger and self-awareness about my being an Asian American woman, who looks young for her age, and really taking offense to anything that would seem racially and/or gender motivated. Like, really pissed off about little things.

But here, I've developed what I call JA guilt. To the situation around me. I feel guilty for being JA here, for being privileged, well-educated, financially comfortable. I feel guilty for being satisfied with my life here, for having had the option of coming here from Los Angeles to study taiko.

Teaching my kids at Kaimuki High School has been a wake up call. I'm slowly developing a new sensitivity to all the things I've been taking for granted. When others see me, instead of feeling angry because people probably think I'm some quiet, subservient Asian girl, now I feel like they see me and think, "look at that privileged East Asian, SHE has no idea what our problems are." And in a lot of ways, it's true.

Definitely, in the way of cultural sensitivity, I'm slowly learning things from my kids - little things like the celebrities I know aren't so familiar to them, or that the nuclear family is not the norm, or that I have to communicate effectively in a way that works for them in order to help them trust and understand me, and vice versa. It's sort of everything I've known in theory now being put into practice. Knowing their situation is not the same as being able to work with and understand them.

They're great kids, with a lot of interest in the world around, motivation to learn in school, bright personalities and amazing sense of humor. But the school system that is supposed to be developing them seems to be holding them back. Their basic English skills are not as developed, and it's put off as laziness or an unwillingness to work. The school administration and whoever else - couldn't be more wrong.

Here's a good example.

I was waiting for my class to start, and two of my students were in the class with me - we were just chilling, chatting a bit. Now the teacher who regularly teaches in that classroom was sitting, getting some afterschool work done. He's a white male. One of his PI students walks in, a football player-physiqued boy, and the teacher says, "Ohh, you're not going to be happy with me." The dialogue continued as follows:

"Why?"
"Because remember that pop quiz you said you took? I checked and it said you were ABSENT that day, so there's no way that you could have taken it."
"Wait what?? I was here! I took it, I remember!"
"No (name of student), you didn't. You can't lie to me, buddy, I know you were absent that day. I checked. You probably copied the answers off of the book, crumpled up the paper so it looked like it was old - I don't know where you got this paper."
"No Mister, I was here! I'm not lying! I really did it!"

and so on. Basically, the argument escalated into yelling, and the student was saying things like, "Fuck this, I'm not lying, tell me what day this was supposed to be" etc etc, and it ended in the teacher thinking he was being threatened and kicking the student out of his classroom, who was pissed off.

Now what sort of got to me was the fact that despite the accusation of lying and cheating, this student seemed SO SURE that he had taken this pop quiz.

And guess what?

The teacher later told me he was actually there and had taken the pop quiz, but the only problem was that the handwriting on his test was way different from one of his other homework papers. But this teacher was mad because he had been threatened and disrespected.

Okay so. One thing, fine, you were cussed out by a student, that's understandable to want to be mad, whatever.

BUT BOTTOM LINE!? This teacher didn't even TRY to help out this student. And the fact that he was checking handwriting tells me that after he realized that the student was present and that he, the teacher, was wrong, he still found some way to make the student wrong and bad, dishonest, etc.

This teacher also listed me as a reference for this kid's referral, in case someone needed to verify his story that he'd be threatened. Nobody's come to talk to me yet (my guess is they totally just suspended the kid anyway, which is fucked up), but if they do I'll tell them what I think, and what I saw. I wish I could have done something to stand up for him, but it really wasn't my place to do so since I wasn't supposed to be in the room.

Although since my name was on the referral as a "witness," maybe it was my place, in which case I suck. Not to make excuses, but I seriously didn't know what to do.

Well, next time I know.

I know this post is really long, but venting was overdue. I wish I could do something to help these kids - someone just needs to have more faith in them.

OR maybe I'm just too idealistic. I dunno. I'm going to start with my kids, and see where we can take it from there.

Til next time, world.