The Burden

As I sat, listening to Maroon 5 on my day off, I decided to pull out the Zen Tarot Cards. It's one of my...alternative methods to self-meditation and relaxation, I guess. I believe in them because I think rather than predicting the future like some of those psychic crazies, these just - provide valuable insight as a reminder of the things you already knew somewhere, deep down inside.

I admit, I'm hitting a rough spot out here, although I haven't quite been able to pinpoint exactly why. My appetite sucks, my back is a (painful) pretzel, every day seems stressful, and I dunno, I don't quite feel like myself the past week and a half or so. But maybe the cards know best:

The Burden, Minor Arcana, Suit of Clouds number 6 says:

When we carry a load of shoulds and shouldn'ts imposed on us by others we become like this ragged, struggling figure trying to make his way uphill. "Go faster, try harder, reach the top!" shouts the foolish tyrant he carries on his shoulder, while the tyrant himself is crowned with an imperious rooster.

If life these days feels like just a struggle from the cradle to the grave, it could be time to shrug your shoulders and see what it feels like to walk without these characters on your back. You have your own mountains to conquer, your own dreams to fulfill, but you will never have the energy to pursue them until you release yourself from all the expectations you've gathered from others but now think are your own. Chances are they exist only in your mind, but that doesn't mean they can't weigh you down. It's time to lighten up, and send them on their way.

It makes too much sense to me right now, and I think maybe a root of this problem is that I am trying to live out here the way I think everyone would expect me to.

That is, Hawaii is supposed to be great, amazing, awesome, happy everyday, full of beaches and tanning and bumming it. But that hasn't been it for me - it wasn't what I was looking for, even if it was partly what I was expecting because everyone told me it would be so.

I feel like I have to be having a great time everyday out here, and the fact of the matter is, this is LIFE for me. It's not a vacation, it's a new living I'm creating out here, and I think at some point I have to understand something about this experience - something I'm not yet getting.

I do know though, that I need to stop pretending everything is wonderful and utopian. I think I've been doing that because I think it's what I'm supposed to be - super happy and constantly excited.

Don't get me wrong - I am glad I came out here, and I mean it when I say I feel like I'm meant to, supposed to, BE here, but I can't help but feel like something's missing.

With time now I realize it's not necessarily the community piece, like I had been whining and ranting about the past couple of months. There's something bigger, though I'm sure community is a part of the picture.

Anyhow, I'm taking this as a normal rut, something I'll climb out of soon enough. I think I'm beginning to understand how Mom felt a while back, when I didn't know how to be there for her. Sorry, Mom.

Change, it's a part of life. The cards said that, too.