A time for expression

This - just something that comes to mind when I have a day all to myself, and no urgent errands or matters to tend to. It is a revelation that was brought on by a dream I had last night, and one that surprises me in so many ways.

Even after 4 years everything you’ve done for me resonates each day of my life. I dreamt about you, too, last night. It still happens, every so often, more or less catches me by surprise. Just when I think I’ve forgotten, I wake up with new memories, only to realize it was a creation of my subconscious.

In so many ways, your having been there, my having met you – has changed and affected me to an extent I could have never imagined. When I think of my goals, my aspirations, my dreams in life, I always think about what your opinions would be of them. Would you approve? Would you frown upon them?

Oftentimes, I make decisions based on how I think you would view them. Or what you would think of them.

I always wonder what my life would have been like without that kind of a lingering influence. Better? Worse? Of course I will never know, or maybe I will, sometime in the near and new future.

And even without the unexpected dreams, I still have the memories of what you used to be like, of all the great, as well as tough, times we shared together. Just like best friends would. A ramen place, a day at Disneyland, community work – insignificant, everyday reminders that shape themselves into my image of you. Even when I try to create my own memories, there is always something that brings me back to a link with you that already exists.

It’s interesting, to think that the person I am today might be attributed so much to the role you played in my life. It has undeniably helped make me a stronger person, in so many ways, and for that I of course have you to thank. It also makes me wonder how much of me is really, well, ME. And not you. Or at least, not because of you.

While that question has yet to be answered, ultimately, I have made it, and I am happy. In spite of you.