Maybe it was just the month away - a month of hometime, a month of intensely awesome traveling with Aya to Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam, and even Korea briefly - but I feel unsettled, a tad. Like being back here isn't where I'm supposed to be right now.
It is only 6 months, and I know that from a taiko standpoint it's what I need, but I think staying out here too long is leaving me feeling unfulfilled.
Granted, I haven't had work for the past week and don't even know yet when work will start, so I've been sitting on my ass trying to 1) relax, 2) not get fat, and 3) feel useful. Yeah, I do need to enjoy the chill time while I can because law school will destroy me, but even that is way far off. I think I'm just becoming restless with all this free time. That, and laziness is a bitch.
I mean, it's my one handicap I think, from being incredibly productive right now. So I guess in that sense, the fact that I feel this way is just my fault, you know?
Anyway, I'm just complaining and whining I know, so I've just got to try to stay focused and get done as much as possible while I'm here. That writeup project on JA community women included. I've really got to get CRACKING on that, and it's so hard to stay motivated. So hard to stay on my shit, foreal.
Instead I've been occupying my time with tv, korean pop music, and just way too much useless fluff. My brain is going to become mush. My body too. Well, maybe, though thank god for taiko or I'd be like, dead right now.
This post is such a rambly one. But I won't apologize for it, because it is what it is.
I'll just get back up and do my shit. haha. So dumb.
But really, to get more specific, I'm relating things like eating a bag of Hurricane popcorn to life. I sat on the couch watching one of countless programs I've watched on tv the past week, and thought to myself:
A bag of hurricane popcorn. I avoided all that kaki mochi because I didn't think it would taste good. Then fast forward to the bottom of the bag, and I accidently threw some kaki mochi in my mouth with all that popcorn. Lo and behold, it tasted amazing. But by the time I realized it, there wasn't enough popcorn to go with the kaki mochi. So goes life.
I was so proud of myself because it was the most profound thing I'd done all day. Ridiculous.
That and I think of things like how my progressive politics are becoming more and more difficult to reconcile with not just Hawaii life, but all the stuff I see everywhere in life, from tv, to everyday conversations. Healthcare, misogynistic comments on facebook and mtv and everyday life, racial slurs slapped on every local joke, unrealistic media portrayals of "beautiful" women, and I dunno. It drives me crazy sometimes. Like does everything I believe in become totally useless??
Everyone knows what the problem is. But who can actually change it? Sure, the work is incremental, but even then, where does that take us? We know what we need and what we want - at least I do - but in the end, we still don't see the kind of change that really needs to happen. Instead there are compromises and negotiations, or maybe no action at all.
Sigh.
All this time off obviously isn't very healthy for my optimism about social issues. At my core, I know, the work is important, some effort is better than none at all, blah blah etc etc. I'm just saying. It's fucking tiring being Progressive.
I think I just need some what are they - endorphins? And go exercise and have a banana, the happy fruit. :)
1 comment:
It really is. And honestly, I'm not sure it makes me happy anymore.
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