Where do I belong?

Just watched a clip of an old performance by KETE (Kenny Endo Taiko Ensemble)...and it made me long for Hawai'i and that taiko group again.

I've been feeling dissatisfied here in LA, to an extent that I can't quite figure out.  In Hawai'i I felt like I had really found myself and figured out my life.  I knew that my stay in Honolulu would be temporary, but I discovered my passion for taiko and was ready to reclaim my future in a law career once relocating to Los Angeles, a place I considered home, while also figuring out a way to stay involved in taiko through groups here.

But lately, home has felt...weird, in taiko, and socially.  I don't feel comfortable or at home here.  I think I'm discovering that everything I thought taiko would be here in Los Angeles isn't, and instead, despite its shortcomings, I really want to be back in Honolulu playing with TCP and KETE.  I loved teaching there, I loved being with the group, and sure, it got unbearable and frustrating at times and I couldn't wait to leave, but it got me thinking.  If one day I relocated to Hawai'i as an attorney, it might not be so bad.  Perhaps start an ACLU chapter over there?

Okay, so it was hard for me to be politically active in Honolulu, which was part of why I was dissatisfied with that experience, so I'm definitely being idealistic here.  Plus, I think memory has been kind to my time there, mainly because my time here has proven difficult and well, just different.

I think my taiko experience so far has been at the root of my feeling dissatisfied and somewhat unhappy lately, but there's just something else that I haven't been able to explain.

I want to say it also has to do with my closest friends being away and feeling like they're inaccessible for a while, and life now is just not what I thought it would be, causing a sensation of being unhappy or discontent with my situation now.  In Honolulu I hung out with my close friends regularly, whether after practices or on weekends.  Here, everyone in LA is away or too busy or inaccessible or I'm too busy or away or inaccessible, and so I'm left with that.

Dok has been wonderful though, in taking care of me despite his own hardships, so I really am grateful for that.  I think Honolulu can always figure into my future law career (i.e. if not law school there, relocate to Honolulu to take the HI state bar exam after passing CA, crossing my fingers) in some way, and if I decide that's what I want, it's always a possibility.  For now though, I have to stick with this and make it work.

In other news, this entry has been interrupted by a knock on my door.  MY BUSINESS CARDS ARE HERE!  WITH MY NAME ON THEM!!!

I love work.