Memory has been kind

Had the chance to reconnect with (aka read, for the first time in years) an old blog that I had kept, secretly, for the purpose of pouring out my most intimate, emotional thoughts.  Upon reading the first few entries, which were heavily depressing and weighed down by hopelessness, my initial thoughts were that these must be from college sometime, when things were unmistakably difficult for multiple reasons.

But at the end of one entry, after coming across an "ew, Geckos!" type statement, I realized these sad sentiments were from my first few months in Hawai'i.  I had felt so alone, so burdened, and kind of scared, then all at once frustrated because the transition was stressful.  Of course, a majority of this experience on the island came from having to cut myself off, cold turkey, from an unhealthy relationship-type...well, relationship, but all in all I think I felt so out of my element.

I'm kind of in a similar place now, only just with the transition part.  Having to start over, a little bit, and in a different way than Hawai'i, but I keep telling myself I will eventually get to a good, comfortable, established point.

I didn't even remember that I had moments like that in Hawai'i because the latter portion of my stay there was incomparably amazing and marked by so many defining and beautiful memories.  I am hoping that the same will be true of my experiences here now, back in LA, back home, with familiar places and people.

At the same time, I'm hoping that I can finally, at some point, get to a good place in this job especially.  I've decided I do want this, I do want to be here, so badly, and most of all, I want to be important to this organization.  I don't know where or when this change of heart came, but I know that at least for now, this is what I'm putting my efforts into.  But it is hard, because there are numerous occurrences that make me feel like I'm not good enough for this position, or at least...the way that the position is structured and set up, I'll never make it to where I want to be.

I'm real good at putting myself down these days, so the struggle to stay positive has been a tough one, especially when new staff over on the other side are much more invested and connected in so much less time.

I suppose it'll have to take some more positive/proactive thinking and an end to the over thinking, but my ego here is pretty sensitive and fragile at best, so hopefully that can change at some point.  It's the quest to PROVE myself, if you will, not just to the people here, but to prove a point to myself also.  It's what I WANT!  And it will happen.  Being out of my element and comfort zone will prove useful and beneficial for me.  I will win over this test of character and determination.  I just don't know when.

In all likelihood it will just be a crazy rollercoaster ride for many more months, and then somewhere, BAM, I'll realize I'm in.  Like, really in.

And then from there, we'll see where I can take it, and where life will take me.