Lots of thoughts and expectations for the New Year.
I know it's still premature to go into a reflection of the oh-so-interesting 2010 year, but I feel like I need to do this, though briefly.
Here's to a great Christmas that I will try my hardest to appreciate, but I'm basically just waiting for this year to be over.
Between moving and readjusting to LA life, studying for the LSAT, learning more about relationships, gaining 10-15 lbs whilst studying for the LSAT, struggling with taiko in this new city, entering a new and unexpected job niche, dealing with financials, and basically rethinking my whole game plan, it's been maybe a bit of a blessing, but all in all? A Real Bitch.
Seriously. It was my Chinese zodiac year - the year of the Tiger - which I thought was supposed to be good luck and fortune and good times all around.
Boy was I in for a surprise. I can't even really express here now what a rough ride it's really been, but trust me when I say it has. This is definitely a year that will change me forever, I think.
It's the first time maybe, as much as I hate to admit even a shred of it, that real life has kicked in. It's a whole new set of challenges and troubles, and I obviously didn't handle it all very well. It was like all at once, my life was turning and changing directions in every way possible. College was a blast, Hawai'i was an amazing, dreamy transition, and now LA wakes me up with a huge bucket of cold water to the face.
I blame my weight gain on the LSAT - I'm still horrified and surprised all at once that I've let it physically get this far - but really I think eating became my way of coping with all the stress that I had to deal with in ALL aspects of my life, really. I just didn't know how else to handle it. I know that will pass in time, but geezus! Reality is cruel. On my body.
I know this is all a part of that "journey" - I do still know that it's all for the best because I will make it that way - but goodbye for now to all that idealism I came out of school and the islands with. Things just don't work out the way you want or expect, at least not all the time and not always in the short term.
In any case, going to focus tonight and tomorrow on appreciating all the great things in my life and the amazing people and support I have around me, because without that and them I never would have made it through the year. Without a doubt.
So with that, I hope that everyone enjoys this holiday season. I know I will be celebrating the end of one chapter and the beginning of the rest of my life! Like in Tangled. harhar. Merry Christmas, world. Hope it's a happy season for everyone because that's the true nature and spirit of Christmas, after all: being with the people you love and cherish the most, and appreciating all of the great things around you.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
What has happened to my life
This is a very bad time in my life.
Everything seems stressful, and to top it all off, I've gained an inexcusable amount of weight. Like, VISIBLY. This means at least 10 pounds.
I feel so miserable and mopey, and I have to take the LSAT tomorrow with all of this negativity on my shoulders. I just can't seem to shake it off. I can't even say I at least feel good about myself right now.
And then of course, amidst all the stress my body gives up and now I have a bad cold. If I feel too sick tomorrow (and I will still have to take the test), all the work I've done on this damn test for the past SIX MONTHS of my life is for naught. I really just feel like shit.
This is really the closest thing I have to any diary, and I haven't had nearly enough time spent here.
I guess some positives are that the holidays are coming up, the test will soon be over, which means I can diet and and exercise my ASS OFF, and the people I care most about are here for me. But if only I could just lose the weight right here and now. I can see the fat in my face and mirrors have now become my enemy.
Everything seems stressful, and to top it all off, I've gained an inexcusable amount of weight. Like, VISIBLY. This means at least 10 pounds.
I feel so miserable and mopey, and I have to take the LSAT tomorrow with all of this negativity on my shoulders. I just can't seem to shake it off. I can't even say I at least feel good about myself right now.
And then of course, amidst all the stress my body gives up and now I have a bad cold. If I feel too sick tomorrow (and I will still have to take the test), all the work I've done on this damn test for the past SIX MONTHS of my life is for naught. I really just feel like shit.
This is really the closest thing I have to any diary, and I haven't had nearly enough time spent here.
I guess some positives are that the holidays are coming up, the test will soon be over, which means I can diet and and exercise my ASS OFF, and the people I care most about are here for me. But if only I could just lose the weight right here and now. I can see the fat in my face and mirrors have now become my enemy.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
From my work blog, "US and Them"
I should have posted the original entry here, but I thought it would add some nice spice to my other one.
http://candiceusjc.blogspot.com/2010/11/progressive-rant-or-maybe-whine.html
Check it out.
http://candiceusjc.blogspot.com/2010/11/progressive-rant-or-maybe-whine.html
Check it out.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Where do I belong?
Just watched a clip of an old performance by KETE (Kenny Endo Taiko Ensemble)...and it made me long for Hawai'i and that taiko group again.
I've been feeling dissatisfied here in LA, to an extent that I can't quite figure out. In Hawai'i I felt like I had really found myself and figured out my life. I knew that my stay in Honolulu would be temporary, but I discovered my passion for taiko and was ready to reclaim my future in a law career once relocating to Los Angeles, a place I considered home, while also figuring out a way to stay involved in taiko through groups here.
But lately, home has felt...weird, in taiko, and socially. I don't feel comfortable or at home here. I think I'm discovering that everything I thought taiko would be here in Los Angeles isn't, and instead, despite its shortcomings, I really want to be back in Honolulu playing with TCP and KETE. I loved teaching there, I loved being with the group, and sure, it got unbearable and frustrating at times and I couldn't wait to leave, but it got me thinking. If one day I relocated to Hawai'i as an attorney, it might not be so bad. Perhaps start an ACLU chapter over there?
Okay, so it was hard for me to be politically active in Honolulu, which was part of why I was dissatisfied with that experience, so I'm definitely being idealistic here. Plus, I think memory has been kind to my time there, mainly because my time here has proven difficult and well, just different.
I think my taiko experience so far has been at the root of my feeling dissatisfied and somewhat unhappy lately, but there's just something else that I haven't been able to explain.
I want to say it also has to do with my closest friends being away and feeling like they're inaccessible for a while, and life now is just not what I thought it would be, causing a sensation of being unhappy or discontent with my situation now. In Honolulu I hung out with my close friends regularly, whether after practices or on weekends. Here, everyone in LA is away or too busy or inaccessible or I'm too busy or away or inaccessible, and so I'm left with that.
Dok has been wonderful though, in taking care of me despite his own hardships, so I really am grateful for that. I think Honolulu can always figure into my future law career (i.e. if not law school there, relocate to Honolulu to take the HI state bar exam after passing CA, crossing my fingers) in some way, and if I decide that's what I want, it's always a possibility. For now though, I have to stick with this and make it work.
In other news, this entry has been interrupted by a knock on my door. MY BUSINESS CARDS ARE HERE! WITH MY NAME ON THEM!!!
I love work.
I've been feeling dissatisfied here in LA, to an extent that I can't quite figure out. In Hawai'i I felt like I had really found myself and figured out my life. I knew that my stay in Honolulu would be temporary, but I discovered my passion for taiko and was ready to reclaim my future in a law career once relocating to Los Angeles, a place I considered home, while also figuring out a way to stay involved in taiko through groups here.
But lately, home has felt...weird, in taiko, and socially. I don't feel comfortable or at home here. I think I'm discovering that everything I thought taiko would be here in Los Angeles isn't, and instead, despite its shortcomings, I really want to be back in Honolulu playing with TCP and KETE. I loved teaching there, I loved being with the group, and sure, it got unbearable and frustrating at times and I couldn't wait to leave, but it got me thinking. If one day I relocated to Hawai'i as an attorney, it might not be so bad. Perhaps start an ACLU chapter over there?
Okay, so it was hard for me to be politically active in Honolulu, which was part of why I was dissatisfied with that experience, so I'm definitely being idealistic here. Plus, I think memory has been kind to my time there, mainly because my time here has proven difficult and well, just different.
I think my taiko experience so far has been at the root of my feeling dissatisfied and somewhat unhappy lately, but there's just something else that I haven't been able to explain.
I want to say it also has to do with my closest friends being away and feeling like they're inaccessible for a while, and life now is just not what I thought it would be, causing a sensation of being unhappy or discontent with my situation now. In Honolulu I hung out with my close friends regularly, whether after practices or on weekends. Here, everyone in LA is away or too busy or inaccessible or I'm too busy or away or inaccessible, and so I'm left with that.
Dok has been wonderful though, in taking care of me despite his own hardships, so I really am grateful for that. I think Honolulu can always figure into my future law career (i.e. if not law school there, relocate to Honolulu to take the HI state bar exam after passing CA, crossing my fingers) in some way, and if I decide that's what I want, it's always a possibility. For now though, I have to stick with this and make it work.
In other news, this entry has been interrupted by a knock on my door. MY BUSINESS CARDS ARE HERE! WITH MY NAME ON THEM!!!
I love work.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Women
As a side note, I now have a work-related blog to place many of the articles and relevant thoughts that come across my desk. It's mostly US-Japan related topics of course, but with a global perspective, many other factors inevitably come into play.
Most recently, this topic of women in the workplace. It's one of the main topics our organization has been tackling, and there is actually a group of women affiliated with, or a part of, our organization, that are dedicating to researching and collaborating on this, figuring out how to work with Japanese women, how it affects both the US and Japan, strategizing, planning, etc.
But what frustrated me, mainly today, was a report I received via email regarding the trends that are affecting Japanese women today. These trends, no doubt, are affecting women, but the kinds of things that are attributed to women are so surface level, and not really delving into the real issues that cause women to bear social hardship, particularly in the workplace.
There's even a comparison drawn to "Eat Pray Love," and, admittedly, because of all the race-gender-class perspectives I read about on that movie, it made me think that we can't really talk about women without addressing the rest of those lenses.
Within the organization as it pertains to this topic, there are discussions on how corporations are helping women advance by taking into consideration their diverse backgrounds and needs, "challenging" the status quo, encouraging a progressive working environment....
Although at face value, and probably to most people, it sounds great and exciting and effective, when we really take it apart, it's not challenging anything. Sure, working within the system is great, especially for big corporations like Deloitte, but to say they're challenging the status quo especially is a longshot. Corporations are, inherently, not only a part of, but upholding status quo. This, of course, should go without saying.
So really when I see things like this "report" - which, it is worth noting, was put together by Japanese businesswomen and researchers but is being distributed and presented by a man - it's frustrating. Where is the real work to address these women, and why isn't our organization questioning these things?
Of course, as a nonpartisan nonprofit organization I suppose that would complicate things too much. It would offend our membership, our corporate sponsors (we even have defense corps donating major funds), and all those other important people who benefit the most from the status quo. Challenge the system? Are you kidding? It just goes to show how a non-progressive organization can sometimes just prove...well, ineffective for people like me.
Most recently, this topic of women in the workplace. It's one of the main topics our organization has been tackling, and there is actually a group of women affiliated with, or a part of, our organization, that are dedicating to researching and collaborating on this, figuring out how to work with Japanese women, how it affects both the US and Japan, strategizing, planning, etc.
But what frustrated me, mainly today, was a report I received via email regarding the trends that are affecting Japanese women today. These trends, no doubt, are affecting women, but the kinds of things that are attributed to women are so surface level, and not really delving into the real issues that cause women to bear social hardship, particularly in the workplace.
There's even a comparison drawn to "Eat Pray Love," and, admittedly, because of all the race-gender-class perspectives I read about on that movie, it made me think that we can't really talk about women without addressing the rest of those lenses.
Within the organization as it pertains to this topic, there are discussions on how corporations are helping women advance by taking into consideration their diverse backgrounds and needs, "challenging" the status quo, encouraging a progressive working environment....
Although at face value, and probably to most people, it sounds great and exciting and effective, when we really take it apart, it's not challenging anything. Sure, working within the system is great, especially for big corporations like Deloitte, but to say they're challenging the status quo especially is a longshot. Corporations are, inherently, not only a part of, but upholding status quo. This, of course, should go without saying.
So really when I see things like this "report" - which, it is worth noting, was put together by Japanese businesswomen and researchers but is being distributed and presented by a man - it's frustrating. Where is the real work to address these women, and why isn't our organization questioning these things?
Of course, as a nonpartisan nonprofit organization I suppose that would complicate things too much. It would offend our membership, our corporate sponsors (we even have defense corps donating major funds), and all those other important people who benefit the most from the status quo. Challenge the system? Are you kidding? It just goes to show how a non-progressive organization can sometimes just prove...well, ineffective for people like me.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I was just thinking
And I am dead serious, that T.I. knows probably as well as any former incarcerated person, what the prison system is like, and how it affects an individual's life.
After watching this video and seeing the comment about the album name changing from "King Uncaged" to "No Mercy," I recalled hearing on the radio that T.I., after recently being released from prison, is going to be put back in because of some weapon charges or some violation of probation, something along those lines. The report indicated that he pleaded not to be sent back to prison after just getting out, but it seemed the judge wasn't having any of that. That, at least, is the impression I got from that story. I'll have to check my sources later.
Anyhow, as involved as I've become in the prisoner reentry campaign that will be starting up foreal at the end of this year, it made me think that T.I. could really lend some knowledge and visibility to this kind of campaign. The more radical end of the anti-prison movement is the prison abolition side, with important folks like Angela Davis and Ruth Wilson Gilmore, and awesome orgs like Critical Resistance and perhaps on a less explicitly abolitionist platform, the ACLU, at the forefront. It would be great if he could lend his experiences and thoughts on the prison system to the movement; although I could see how T.I. may not be considered the most "reputable" of representatives, I say fuck it - this movement would be all about the people and families and their cause anyway.
Who knows if he has really been thinking about his experiences in this way, but then even better, because it can become a 2 way educational opportunity.
Just some thoughts that may not turn into action at this point, but I think it's something to consider if T.I. ever gets wind of this kind of work and decides he's interesting in lending a helping hand.
After watching this video and seeing the comment about the album name changing from "King Uncaged" to "No Mercy," I recalled hearing on the radio that T.I., after recently being released from prison, is going to be put back in because of some weapon charges or some violation of probation, something along those lines. The report indicated that he pleaded not to be sent back to prison after just getting out, but it seemed the judge wasn't having any of that. That, at least, is the impression I got from that story. I'll have to check my sources later.
Anyhow, as involved as I've become in the prisoner reentry campaign that will be starting up foreal at the end of this year, it made me think that T.I. could really lend some knowledge and visibility to this kind of campaign. The more radical end of the anti-prison movement is the prison abolition side, with important folks like Angela Davis and Ruth Wilson Gilmore, and awesome orgs like Critical Resistance and perhaps on a less explicitly abolitionist platform, the ACLU, at the forefront. It would be great if he could lend his experiences and thoughts on the prison system to the movement; although I could see how T.I. may not be considered the most "reputable" of representatives, I say fuck it - this movement would be all about the people and families and their cause anyway.
Who knows if he has really been thinking about his experiences in this way, but then even better, because it can become a 2 way educational opportunity.
Just some thoughts that may not turn into action at this point, but I think it's something to consider if T.I. ever gets wind of this kind of work and decides he's interesting in lending a helping hand.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Great quote on prisons.
From the Real Cost of Prisons Weblog, on article titled, "Final Call: Report: Modern-Day Debtors' Prisons Devastating the Poor" --
According to Kurt Kaaekuahiwi, an intern with Critical Resistance, the definite intent of debtors' prisons is to keep people within the system, but resources should be put into educational or job training programs within prisons to help those men and women re-entering secure jobs once they are released.
“We have to divest from policing, divest from incarceration, and divest from prison expansion. Obviously, these monies that are being appropriated are through the general fund, which is from our tax dollars, and being used to further criminalize, stigmatize, and keep us trapped in the system, but that money is not used to support our needs of affordable housing or job opportunities,” he said.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Really now
I feel so disconnected from everything LSAT, because whereas LSAT blogs are analyzing the October LSAT and fellow friends are rejoicing in their completion of the test, I, a score cancel-ee, still have the December test to look towards.
I am eagerly awaiting a post on the December LSAT and maybe a few words of encouragement in that department. But considering the non-popularity of that particular test administering, I doubt there will be much of that, if any at all.
There's so much to think about when it comes to that test, and mostly I have to stay away from putting myself down for not being able to pull it together by October. I would have needed a 20 point score increase, and I just couldn't do it. I'm halfway there and hoping I can manage 10 more in the next 2 months.
In any case, I just have to keep reminding myself that my future is riding on those 3 precious numbers that make up my score, and if it is anything less than a 1, a 7, and a 0, then I'm probably screwed.
I am eagerly awaiting a post on the December LSAT and maybe a few words of encouragement in that department. But considering the non-popularity of that particular test administering, I doubt there will be much of that, if any at all.
There's so much to think about when it comes to that test, and mostly I have to stay away from putting myself down for not being able to pull it together by October. I would have needed a 20 point score increase, and I just couldn't do it. I'm halfway there and hoping I can manage 10 more in the next 2 months.
In any case, I just have to keep reminding myself that my future is riding on those 3 precious numbers that make up my score, and if it is anything less than a 1, a 7, and a 0, then I'm probably screwed.
Monday, October 11, 2010
So. Overdue.
There are a million things I've been wanting to write about, but things have been so incredibly crazy the past 6 months or so that I haven't had the time or the energy to sit down and hash it out.
I'm not going to be able to do it now either, which is a bummer, but I guess I can force some of it out and see where this post takes me.
On a happy note, Dok has finally made it over, which has been, well, in adventure, in so many words. But I'm happy to be able to share all of my joyous and sad times with him now. We can struggle together, and it's a good feeling.
I am now full-time at work! We had our huge conference in September and although it was the craziest week of my entire life (working 12-17 hour days everyday, for 7 days), our tiny staff pulled off a huge success and it was the best feeling ever. I guess we staff in LA were also rewarded, as we're both full time here now. It's exactly what I had wanted and hoped for, but thought could never happen. It feels good to love your job. I'm learning so much, becoming connected to some good people, and all in all, feeling fulfilled with the time I am putting into this mini-career. It's definitely not a radical environment, but it provides me with exposure to some people and places I never would have met or seen otherwise.
LSATs are and will always be, a struggle. I took the October test, but due to illness ended up canceling. It was a tough decision, but I guess just as well...I wasn't where I wanted to be score-wise anyway. Going to see if I can pull it back together and retake in December, hopefully with a 10 point score increase! We can dream, right?
Taiko has also been a toughie...for more reasons than one that I won't enumerate here, but all I can say is that I hope it gets better soon. If it continues to stress me out...well, I hate to say it, but I just might have to rule it out as a continued activity, because there are already a million things on my plate.
Prison re-entry work has been on and off when I can find the time, but I have entered myself into the program/campaign as a more involved volunteer. I hope that I can keep it up, but it really is discouraging with everything that I know I already have to do. What is great about this involvement is that it is only twice monthly, and doesn't demand any more than I can give. Now if only to really be strict about what I can ACTUALLY give, rather than what I want to give. That's definitely, without a doubt, the hardest part. I think though, if I can really stick with it, I could gain a lot of perspective and of course, build a good resume and a good cause for myself to believe in. I miss the Progressive sphere, and this is my outlet. Without it I'd probably be lost.
Currently reading my first Bell Hooks book, upon Aya's recommendation, on Feminism. She is the most amazing progressive-minded writer you will ever read. Clear, concise, and so down. It's amazing how much of a wealth of knowledge her writings hold. Also helps me stay connected and remain critical about the world around me.
Speaking of which, the intersection of progressivism and US-Japan relations (think: global issues) has really been taunting my mind lately. I still haven't been able to articulate to myself what all of that really means for me, but I suppose only time will tell. Taking the critical progressive lens into work has been an interesting challenge - one I haven't yet been able to tackle fully, but one, I hope, with time, will enable me to emerge out of this experience an even more sharply-minded person.
Going to study with sister on Friday, which will be fun, and then seeing Aya and Jason on Saturday for PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!!! So excited!!!!
I'm not going to be able to do it now either, which is a bummer, but I guess I can force some of it out and see where this post takes me.
On a happy note, Dok has finally made it over, which has been, well, in adventure, in so many words. But I'm happy to be able to share all of my joyous and sad times with him now. We can struggle together, and it's a good feeling.
I am now full-time at work! We had our huge conference in September and although it was the craziest week of my entire life (working 12-17 hour days everyday, for 7 days), our tiny staff pulled off a huge success and it was the best feeling ever. I guess we staff in LA were also rewarded, as we're both full time here now. It's exactly what I had wanted and hoped for, but thought could never happen. It feels good to love your job. I'm learning so much, becoming connected to some good people, and all in all, feeling fulfilled with the time I am putting into this mini-career. It's definitely not a radical environment, but it provides me with exposure to some people and places I never would have met or seen otherwise.
LSATs are and will always be, a struggle. I took the October test, but due to illness ended up canceling. It was a tough decision, but I guess just as well...I wasn't where I wanted to be score-wise anyway. Going to see if I can pull it back together and retake in December, hopefully with a 10 point score increase! We can dream, right?
Taiko has also been a toughie...for more reasons than one that I won't enumerate here, but all I can say is that I hope it gets better soon. If it continues to stress me out...well, I hate to say it, but I just might have to rule it out as a continued activity, because there are already a million things on my plate.
Prison re-entry work has been on and off when I can find the time, but I have entered myself into the program/campaign as a more involved volunteer. I hope that I can keep it up, but it really is discouraging with everything that I know I already have to do. What is great about this involvement is that it is only twice monthly, and doesn't demand any more than I can give. Now if only to really be strict about what I can ACTUALLY give, rather than what I want to give. That's definitely, without a doubt, the hardest part. I think though, if I can really stick with it, I could gain a lot of perspective and of course, build a good resume and a good cause for myself to believe in. I miss the Progressive sphere, and this is my outlet. Without it I'd probably be lost.
Currently reading my first Bell Hooks book, upon Aya's recommendation, on Feminism. She is the most amazing progressive-minded writer you will ever read. Clear, concise, and so down. It's amazing how much of a wealth of knowledge her writings hold. Also helps me stay connected and remain critical about the world around me.
Speaking of which, the intersection of progressivism and US-Japan relations (think: global issues) has really been taunting my mind lately. I still haven't been able to articulate to myself what all of that really means for me, but I suppose only time will tell. Taking the critical progressive lens into work has been an interesting challenge - one I haven't yet been able to tackle fully, but one, I hope, with time, will enable me to emerge out of this experience an even more sharply-minded person.
Going to study with sister on Friday, which will be fun, and then seeing Aya and Jason on Saturday for PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!!! So excited!!!!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Memory has been kind
Had the chance to reconnect with (aka read, for the first time in years) an old blog that I had kept, secretly, for the purpose of pouring out my most intimate, emotional thoughts. Upon reading the first few entries, which were heavily depressing and weighed down by hopelessness, my initial thoughts were that these must be from college sometime, when things were unmistakably difficult for multiple reasons.
But at the end of one entry, after coming across an "ew, Geckos!" type statement, I realized these sad sentiments were from my first few months in Hawai'i. I had felt so alone, so burdened, and kind of scared, then all at once frustrated because the transition was stressful. Of course, a majority of this experience on the island came from having to cut myself off, cold turkey, from an unhealthy relationship-type...well, relationship, but all in all I think I felt so out of my element.
I'm kind of in a similar place now, only just with the transition part. Having to start over, a little bit, and in a different way than Hawai'i, but I keep telling myself I will eventually get to a good, comfortable, established point.
I didn't even remember that I had moments like that in Hawai'i because the latter portion of my stay there was incomparably amazing and marked by so many defining and beautiful memories. I am hoping that the same will be true of my experiences here now, back in LA, back home, with familiar places and people.
At the same time, I'm hoping that I can finally, at some point, get to a good place in this job especially. I've decided I do want this, I do want to be here, so badly, and most of all, I want to be important to this organization. I don't know where or when this change of heart came, but I know that at least for now, this is what I'm putting my efforts into. But it is hard, because there are numerous occurrences that make me feel like I'm not good enough for this position, or at least...the way that the position is structured and set up, I'll never make it to where I want to be.
I'm real good at putting myself down these days, so the struggle to stay positive has been a tough one, especially when new staff over on the other side are much more invested and connected in so much less time.
I suppose it'll have to take some more positive/proactive thinking and an end to the over thinking, but my ego here is pretty sensitive and fragile at best, so hopefully that can change at some point. It's the quest to PROVE myself, if you will, not just to the people here, but to prove a point to myself also. It's what I WANT! And it will happen. Being out of my element and comfort zone will prove useful and beneficial for me. I will win over this test of character and determination. I just don't know when.
In all likelihood it will just be a crazy rollercoaster ride for many more months, and then somewhere, BAM, I'll realize I'm in. Like, really in.
And then from there, we'll see where I can take it, and where life will take me.
But at the end of one entry, after coming across an "ew, Geckos!" type statement, I realized these sad sentiments were from my first few months in Hawai'i. I had felt so alone, so burdened, and kind of scared, then all at once frustrated because the transition was stressful. Of course, a majority of this experience on the island came from having to cut myself off, cold turkey, from an unhealthy relationship-type...well, relationship, but all in all I think I felt so out of my element.
I'm kind of in a similar place now, only just with the transition part. Having to start over, a little bit, and in a different way than Hawai'i, but I keep telling myself I will eventually get to a good, comfortable, established point.
I didn't even remember that I had moments like that in Hawai'i because the latter portion of my stay there was incomparably amazing and marked by so many defining and beautiful memories. I am hoping that the same will be true of my experiences here now, back in LA, back home, with familiar places and people.
At the same time, I'm hoping that I can finally, at some point, get to a good place in this job especially. I've decided I do want this, I do want to be here, so badly, and most of all, I want to be important to this organization. I don't know where or when this change of heart came, but I know that at least for now, this is what I'm putting my efforts into. But it is hard, because there are numerous occurrences that make me feel like I'm not good enough for this position, or at least...the way that the position is structured and set up, I'll never make it to where I want to be.
I'm real good at putting myself down these days, so the struggle to stay positive has been a tough one, especially when new staff over on the other side are much more invested and connected in so much less time.
I suppose it'll have to take some more positive/proactive thinking and an end to the over thinking, but my ego here is pretty sensitive and fragile at best, so hopefully that can change at some point. It's the quest to PROVE myself, if you will, not just to the people here, but to prove a point to myself also. It's what I WANT! And it will happen. Being out of my element and comfort zone will prove useful and beneficial for me. I will win over this test of character and determination. I just don't know when.
In all likelihood it will just be a crazy rollercoaster ride for many more months, and then somewhere, BAM, I'll realize I'm in. Like, really in.
And then from there, we'll see where I can take it, and where life will take me.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Diamond in the Rough
Things have been very busy as of late, and it's reminding me of how much I enjoyed (in a workaholic kind of way) the challenge of time-energy management. Everything I've started the past couple of months is starting to pick up; as the new group of trainees in taiko we learned (and mini-recital style performed) our first piece, LSAT classes have been pummeling me with daily homework, and work is starting to become comfortable and is now challenging in a new, welcome way, especially with a huge first Conference coming up in September. In all of these I'm struggling to find a purpose and my own niche - I can feel that everything is going to fit together wonderfully again somehow, but I'm not quite sure yet how or when that will happen. Still, it's right on the horizon. As Alex would say, that's some Alchemist shit right there. Playing the part of the Shepherd can be a wonderful, albeit stressful, thing.
Work is a bit of a struggle because I've yet to establish some credibility, but I am feeling more invested because little by little I'm realizing how much I could learn from this organization. Upon beginning this job I was a little disappointed because I had told myself I would work for a nonprofit...it was only this morning, in the shower, that I realized I AM working for a nonprofit, just not for the purpose I had originally pictured. Still, on developmental, communicative, and even international affair-related levels, as a young but well-connected organization it has a lot to offer. I'm hoping that at some point down the line I will have something to offer it as well, but only time will tell whether that will happen. Or rather, it WILL happen, I just have to wait for the right time.
And I have to admit, Irene is incredibly inspiring. To learn from her would be like learning from one of the masters of working the influentials. I mean, she works it. Like nobody else I know of. Now if only I were in DC, I could at least see her face to face on some regular basis. I don't have that luxury here in LA. But the LA-DC distance is a different story altogether.
LSATs are slowly starting to come together for me - Logic Games and Logical Reasoning..and well, even Reading Comprehension - that is, the whole test - is most definitely a challenging obstacle. But class and the piles of homework are, very slowly but (hopefully) very surely, proving to be useful. The test is still (or maybe only) two months away, so as long as I stick with it and don't get lazy, it'll all play out just right. When I first started I thought I'd never be able to figure out those games, so needless to say, it's like a mini-life victory when I can successfully complete even one. I almost wish I had even MORE time to practice it all.
Taiko is exciting, but when is it not? I am definitely looking forward to the next 2 years I'll be able to spend with the team, and it makes it all the better because I love my trainee group. The 4 of us have a lot of fun together, and we are all able to learn relatively quickly, which means we can get it together faster and try and learn more in shorter amounts of time. Or at least, that's my hope. It's only been a few weeks, but really, the faster the better.
Waiting, but not in a complacent manner if that makes any sense, for everything to fall into place, as it seems it already is. Sometimes there is so much going on in my head that I think if I don't put it down in words somewhere, i.e. here, I'll go nuts. But I guess that's just a sign that there's a lot happening, and as a result, a lot that is going to happen in the upcoming months. A little nervous, but mostly excited. Let's just hope it doesn't all end up consuming me in the end. Here's to the universe...and it's conspiratory nature. Only, in our favor, like the old king said.
Work is a bit of a struggle because I've yet to establish some credibility, but I am feeling more invested because little by little I'm realizing how much I could learn from this organization. Upon beginning this job I was a little disappointed because I had told myself I would work for a nonprofit...it was only this morning, in the shower, that I realized I AM working for a nonprofit, just not for the purpose I had originally pictured. Still, on developmental, communicative, and even international affair-related levels, as a young but well-connected organization it has a lot to offer. I'm hoping that at some point down the line I will have something to offer it as well, but only time will tell whether that will happen. Or rather, it WILL happen, I just have to wait for the right time.
And I have to admit, Irene is incredibly inspiring. To learn from her would be like learning from one of the masters of working the influentials. I mean, she works it. Like nobody else I know of. Now if only I were in DC, I could at least see her face to face on some regular basis. I don't have that luxury here in LA. But the LA-DC distance is a different story altogether.
LSATs are slowly starting to come together for me - Logic Games and Logical Reasoning..and well, even Reading Comprehension - that is, the whole test - is most definitely a challenging obstacle. But class and the piles of homework are, very slowly but (hopefully) very surely, proving to be useful. The test is still (or maybe only) two months away, so as long as I stick with it and don't get lazy, it'll all play out just right. When I first started I thought I'd never be able to figure out those games, so needless to say, it's like a mini-life victory when I can successfully complete even one. I almost wish I had even MORE time to practice it all.
Taiko is exciting, but when is it not? I am definitely looking forward to the next 2 years I'll be able to spend with the team, and it makes it all the better because I love my trainee group. The 4 of us have a lot of fun together, and we are all able to learn relatively quickly, which means we can get it together faster and try and learn more in shorter amounts of time. Or at least, that's my hope. It's only been a few weeks, but really, the faster the better.
Waiting, but not in a complacent manner if that makes any sense, for everything to fall into place, as it seems it already is. Sometimes there is so much going on in my head that I think if I don't put it down in words somewhere, i.e. here, I'll go nuts. But I guess that's just a sign that there's a lot happening, and as a result, a lot that is going to happen in the upcoming months. A little nervous, but mostly excited. Let's just hope it doesn't all end up consuming me in the end. Here's to the universe...and it's conspiratory nature. Only, in our favor, like the old king said.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Transitions
Some supplements to the law school story that I found interesting:
Shortcut to being a lawyer? Don't go to law school.
AND
The sameness of legal life
The first is about a man's lawsuit to trying to be able to take the bar without law school, and if Planet Law School is legit at all, then there's some truth to the fact that we aren't allowed to take the bar without law school because it's possible that people would pass it without law school (thereby rendering law school potentially useless...or at least less useful than supposed).
The second tells the story of the always-talked-about dilemma law school can and does present - that is, keeping your originality and values intact whilst chasing the legal "dream." It almost exactly articulates all the things I've been afraid of.
Other than that, been thinking a lot about where my life is going to go in the next couple of years. Namely, how I'm going to stay progressive.
There are so many questions about what it means to be "Progressive," as in there are a lot of people who identify themselves as such, but these people can differ from each other in significant ways. I used to have a very narrowly defined version of the ideological concept in college and spurn those "faux" progressives who tried to get in on the action, but have found my definition has expanded considerably, and is now a lot more inclusive these days.
Can I still be a progressive if I work for a company, nonprofit, organization, group etc. that doesn't necessarily follow those ideals?
What if I have friends or social circles that are not progressive?
Can I still carry those values with me, subtly practice them in some way everyday and still be considered a progressive?
Am I even effecting change if I am doing things this way, and if I feel like I am not effecting change, how does that influence my progressivism?
Are there some minimum hours required to be dedicated to activism or advocacy or organizing to qualify as a progressive? What about minimum levels of education or knowledge on these matters? (i.e. to be a progressive, you need to understand/know how to direct action organize)
Of course I don't think that all of these have to be answered a particular way to be right or wrong, and I would never now try and dictate how someone identifies (who am I, the empress of progressivism??), but I guess there's a level of dissatisfaction internally with the way things are right now because I don't necessarily consider them ideal (for myself). And yet, even with that dissatisfaction, for the time being I have come to terms with the situation because I don't have a whole lot of options at the moment.
Content dissatisfaction? Does that even make sense?
Anyway, something along those lines. A lot of times I miss the fervor and the enthusiasm with which campus organizing often is executed, but having moved forward in a particular way since then, I don't think that exact environment is for me anymore. Something like it, maybe, but with some real life adjustments.
I guess as long as I continue to make the effort to surround myself with the right people and involve myself in the right spaces, I'll never lose it, at least not completely. It all will be what I make of it, I realize that...I just am very aware of the constant push and pull that happens between my internal idealistic needs, and my real time, real life situations.
It's a big part of why, humbly, I want to make the skeleton of Malcolm X's story my own. If that makes any sense to you, you win.
Shortcut to being a lawyer? Don't go to law school.
AND
The sameness of legal life
The first is about a man's lawsuit to trying to be able to take the bar without law school, and if Planet Law School is legit at all, then there's some truth to the fact that we aren't allowed to take the bar without law school because it's possible that people would pass it without law school (thereby rendering law school potentially useless...or at least less useful than supposed).
The second tells the story of the always-talked-about dilemma law school can and does present - that is, keeping your originality and values intact whilst chasing the legal "dream." It almost exactly articulates all the things I've been afraid of.
Other than that, been thinking a lot about where my life is going to go in the next couple of years. Namely, how I'm going to stay progressive.
There are so many questions about what it means to be "Progressive," as in there are a lot of people who identify themselves as such, but these people can differ from each other in significant ways. I used to have a very narrowly defined version of the ideological concept in college and spurn those "faux" progressives who tried to get in on the action, but have found my definition has expanded considerably, and is now a lot more inclusive these days.
Can I still be a progressive if I work for a company, nonprofit, organization, group etc. that doesn't necessarily follow those ideals?
What if I have friends or social circles that are not progressive?
Can I still carry those values with me, subtly practice them in some way everyday and still be considered a progressive?
Am I even effecting change if I am doing things this way, and if I feel like I am not effecting change, how does that influence my progressivism?
Are there some minimum hours required to be dedicated to activism or advocacy or organizing to qualify as a progressive? What about minimum levels of education or knowledge on these matters? (i.e. to be a progressive, you need to understand/know how to direct action organize)
Of course I don't think that all of these have to be answered a particular way to be right or wrong, and I would never now try and dictate how someone identifies (who am I, the empress of progressivism??), but I guess there's a level of dissatisfaction internally with the way things are right now because I don't necessarily consider them ideal (for myself). And yet, even with that dissatisfaction, for the time being I have come to terms with the situation because I don't have a whole lot of options at the moment.
Content dissatisfaction? Does that even make sense?
Anyway, something along those lines. A lot of times I miss the fervor and the enthusiasm with which campus organizing often is executed, but having moved forward in a particular way since then, I don't think that exact environment is for me anymore. Something like it, maybe, but with some real life adjustments.
I guess as long as I continue to make the effort to surround myself with the right people and involve myself in the right spaces, I'll never lose it, at least not completely. It all will be what I make of it, I realize that...I just am very aware of the constant push and pull that happens between my internal idealistic needs, and my real time, real life situations.
It's a big part of why, humbly, I want to make the skeleton of Malcolm X's story my own. If that makes any sense to you, you win.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Overload.
Geezus. It's like I conquered the world when I get 3 logical reasoning questions in a row CORRECT...except that now I have like 57 more to go. What the hell.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The Madness Begins
The lack of relaxing this past July 4th weekend is a glaring indication that my fun time is over...at least for the next four months.
LSAT prep began on Saturday with our first practice test, and it was an intense four hours, to say the least. (It had also been a super long morning because I had a waxing appointment at 7 am. Nothing like a bikini wax early in the morning to get you going for the rest of your day.)
Logic games were a killer, like everyone says they are. Reading comprehension I think saved me. I didn't score my test til Monday, but I found out I did alright...better than I'd originally thought. If I can improve my score 20 points by October, I'm in the gold. But 20 points!! It's really time to hit the books.
Sunday, the magical day of fireworks...was chill during the day, only I had to go to taiko at night. As brand new trainees all we did was sit and watch...and I didn't get to watch fireworks, but I'm not complaining too much. It's always good to watch and learn...or try and learn, and I think just being there helps earn credibility. You know, that whole put in the time and effort thing. Plus, I got to see a few fireworks going on around the city when I went to see my mom at her office later that night. Good to know there are still fireworks going on at 11 pm.
Then Monday! Woke up super early to drive to the airport and do a drop off...then came back home and slept in for a bit. Then 6-10 pm, LSAT class. Our first formal class. All in all, the class was just okay. I think Blueprint prides itself a little too much on the novelty of what I'm going to call...modern humor. Like, college humor I guess. Our teacher is cool and all, but he tries a little too hard to be funny I think...and he's not even really the greatest teacher or anything. Not even close. Although he has a great success story of his own (180 on the LSAT, Harvard Law, now in LA trying to be a writer), I'm not sure he's going to give me any great moments of enlightenment or anything over the course of this class. Plus it made me think of all the things Aya talks about with the way these prep courses teach standardized testing methods.
Anyway, it's a bearable thing overall and I think if I really apply myself I can learn a lot. No doubt. Plus if they keep hammering us with homework like this, I think I may get used to this logic games stuff. I'm serio gonna need the work!
I would've liked to lounge around and do nothing all weekend...but I think I've done enough of that now. It's back to work today for the week...plus more class and even more homework.
This is def going to take some getting used to.
I have though, in the bigger picture, decided to take ONE MORE year off. Yes, so law school is postponed another year, for a total of 3 years between undergrad and LS. Initially the idea was hard to deal with, but I think I'm beginning to see that it might be the best choice for me.
The reason is, taiko. Big surprise, right?
I've been wanting to play with TP for so long that I think it would be an injustice to bar myself from really getting the full experience of playing with the group...and although the group isn't quite the same anymore, I still think there's so much that I can learn from my time with them. Just one more year so that I can play with them for two...then it's off to law school for sure.
FOR SURE!
All the time I put into the LSAT this summer will make sure of that. No doubts. My mind is set and it will be done!
LSAT prep began on Saturday with our first practice test, and it was an intense four hours, to say the least. (It had also been a super long morning because I had a waxing appointment at 7 am. Nothing like a bikini wax early in the morning to get you going for the rest of your day.)
Logic games were a killer, like everyone says they are. Reading comprehension I think saved me. I didn't score my test til Monday, but I found out I did alright...better than I'd originally thought. If I can improve my score 20 points by October, I'm in the gold. But 20 points!! It's really time to hit the books.
Sunday, the magical day of fireworks...was chill during the day, only I had to go to taiko at night. As brand new trainees all we did was sit and watch...and I didn't get to watch fireworks, but I'm not complaining too much. It's always good to watch and learn...or try and learn, and I think just being there helps earn credibility. You know, that whole put in the time and effort thing. Plus, I got to see a few fireworks going on around the city when I went to see my mom at her office later that night. Good to know there are still fireworks going on at 11 pm.
Then Monday! Woke up super early to drive to the airport and do a drop off...then came back home and slept in for a bit. Then 6-10 pm, LSAT class. Our first formal class. All in all, the class was just okay. I think Blueprint prides itself a little too much on the novelty of what I'm going to call...modern humor. Like, college humor I guess. Our teacher is cool and all, but he tries a little too hard to be funny I think...and he's not even really the greatest teacher or anything. Not even close. Although he has a great success story of his own (180 on the LSAT, Harvard Law, now in LA trying to be a writer), I'm not sure he's going to give me any great moments of enlightenment or anything over the course of this class. Plus it made me think of all the things Aya talks about with the way these prep courses teach standardized testing methods.
Anyway, it's a bearable thing overall and I think if I really apply myself I can learn a lot. No doubt. Plus if they keep hammering us with homework like this, I think I may get used to this logic games stuff. I'm serio gonna need the work!
I would've liked to lounge around and do nothing all weekend...but I think I've done enough of that now. It's back to work today for the week...plus more class and even more homework.
This is def going to take some getting used to.
I have though, in the bigger picture, decided to take ONE MORE year off. Yes, so law school is postponed another year, for a total of 3 years between undergrad and LS. Initially the idea was hard to deal with, but I think I'm beginning to see that it might be the best choice for me.
The reason is, taiko. Big surprise, right?
I've been wanting to play with TP for so long that I think it would be an injustice to bar myself from really getting the full experience of playing with the group...and although the group isn't quite the same anymore, I still think there's so much that I can learn from my time with them. Just one more year so that I can play with them for two...then it's off to law school for sure.
FOR SURE!
All the time I put into the LSAT this summer will make sure of that. No doubts. My mind is set and it will be done!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Being in this Japanese American community
I have come to grips with my new job, in so many ways, and am even appreciating it for a lot of what it is. On some levels, sure, I have to get used to and/or come to terms with many parts, but in my effort to challenge myself and genuinely be invested in this cause, I am making some strides in understanding this organization.
It is a personal challenge, for sure, because when I hear the term "Japanese businesses" or listen to a majority of men give their input on the JA-Japanese effort, I tend to jump at the chance to criticize.
Admittedly, this organization has a lot of work on. Without making a laundry list of excuses, simply, the organization is still growing and operating at a very young 10 years. In such a short amount of time, under the guidance of its President, the organization has garnered the support of a number of high-level, influential Japanese Americans and Japanese, making the number of resources available to Boards and members and staff very great. In the way of gender and things like SES, the organization has to work on its equity, since the folks represented are disproportionately on the male, upper middle to upper class category, and mostly work in the governmental or business, for-profit sectors. (There are, however, a good number of women in these sectors that are very active in this org. I just think in a lot of ways they can be more at the forefront on the whole, not including our President, who is a woman and the guiding force behind all of this work. We can, for example, explicitly talk about women's issues, since as JAs and Js, our set of issues can be unique to our experiences. Such discussions, I feel, are only just starting.)
But I do have a lot to learn in the way of Japanese American community and its relation to Japan. Which can sound like a rationalization, but maybe that's how real learning and understanding starts. I also have a lot to learn about myself, and I think this job can teach me that and so much more.
In its membership and participants, this organization is representative of Japanese Americans from all over the country. They come from various backgrounds and work in a number of types of jobs, from nonprofit to government to business to entertainment/media. Granted, I don't necessarily get to be a part of the activities or programs they participate in, but as a staffer I do get to perpetuate these experiences for these people. That in itself can be a personal achievement.
Anyway. Without going into much detail right now, I can say that I feel like it has been an intense 4 weeks, but in a positive way. I am maybe already starting to grow and see what parts of this org are good, and what can be improved, and with more experience, hopefully I can help in this whole effort to connect JA and J communities. It is of course complex in so many ways, with so many types of people involved, but little by little I am starting to feel personally connected to the efforts, albeit very slowly.
Meanwhile, am looking forward to a weekend of fun and (hopefully) relaxation. Congrats to this year's UCLA grads! It's the last class of undergrads I think I really was close to and got to know. Looking forward to dropping by at APIG on Sunday, and looking to LSAT courses in July. Lots to anticipate in the coming months. Right now, that feels like a good thing.
It is a personal challenge, for sure, because when I hear the term "Japanese businesses" or listen to a majority of men give their input on the JA-Japanese effort, I tend to jump at the chance to criticize.
Admittedly, this organization has a lot of work on. Without making a laundry list of excuses, simply, the organization is still growing and operating at a very young 10 years. In such a short amount of time, under the guidance of its President, the organization has garnered the support of a number of high-level, influential Japanese Americans and Japanese, making the number of resources available to Boards and members and staff very great. In the way of gender and things like SES, the organization has to work on its equity, since the folks represented are disproportionately on the male, upper middle to upper class category, and mostly work in the governmental or business, for-profit sectors. (There are, however, a good number of women in these sectors that are very active in this org. I just think in a lot of ways they can be more at the forefront on the whole, not including our President, who is a woman and the guiding force behind all of this work. We can, for example, explicitly talk about women's issues, since as JAs and Js, our set of issues can be unique to our experiences. Such discussions, I feel, are only just starting.)
But I do have a lot to learn in the way of Japanese American community and its relation to Japan. Which can sound like a rationalization, but maybe that's how real learning and understanding starts. I also have a lot to learn about myself, and I think this job can teach me that and so much more.
In its membership and participants, this organization is representative of Japanese Americans from all over the country. They come from various backgrounds and work in a number of types of jobs, from nonprofit to government to business to entertainment/media. Granted, I don't necessarily get to be a part of the activities or programs they participate in, but as a staffer I do get to perpetuate these experiences for these people. That in itself can be a personal achievement.
Anyway. Without going into much detail right now, I can say that I feel like it has been an intense 4 weeks, but in a positive way. I am maybe already starting to grow and see what parts of this org are good, and what can be improved, and with more experience, hopefully I can help in this whole effort to connect JA and J communities. It is of course complex in so many ways, with so many types of people involved, but little by little I am starting to feel personally connected to the efforts, albeit very slowly.
Meanwhile, am looking forward to a weekend of fun and (hopefully) relaxation. Congrats to this year's UCLA grads! It's the last class of undergrads I think I really was close to and got to know. Looking forward to dropping by at APIG on Sunday, and looking to LSAT courses in July. Lots to anticipate in the coming months. Right now, that feels like a good thing.
Friday, May 28, 2010
GOOD MORNING
Damn, I am looking forward to my 4 day weekend big time. Thank you Memorial Day for the extra day off.
Ah, the perks of working part-time.
I'm not gonna lie, it's been a rough and tough 2 weeks, trying to figure out the name of this Council game and really grappling with my mixed feelings about my new-found employment. I kind of feel like everything I had envisioned myself doing in this time just didn't pan out because of my own decisions.
CHOICES. That's what life's all about, isn't it? Those, and then those things that come after them. Yeah, that. Consequences.
When it came down to it I chose convenience and instant gratification over the waiting game, because I'm sure that is how it would have been otherwise...or at least so I think I would LIKE to think.
But the latter half of this week has proven to be pretty fruitful. I know now that I can do this job well, and considering this is still a small and budding organization, there is still hope.
Kind of ironic, isn't it, how I wrote and gabbed all that stuff about the JA community, and suddenly I find myself thrown into the midst of everything I complained about? Maybe it's karma for my college-aged arrogance and audacity.
Maybe this'll teach me exactly what I need to learn to really know what I want the rest of my life...or at least for the next few years or so.
Little by little it's coming together, but I guess it always tends to work that way.
Then talking to supportive friendsies like Aya, Dok and Scott always is good for lifting spirits. YAY for friends, foreal.
Meanwhile, home life is dumb. Not in the "I hate my parents" kind of way at all...but more like, they're cutting open the walls to replace our pipes and the family decides to STAY HOME while this is all happening!
Dumb = from 7 am - 4 pm, everyday for 2 weeks, we have no use of any water in the house, so even on my day off, when I just want to stay home and SLEEP...I have to get out and find a place to use the damn bathroom. Not to mention brush my teeth and then otherwise just chill. Anyone want to volunteer their place?
K thanks.
Life just never stops with all of the things to ponder and figure out. It's a good thing most of the time, but sometimes, like now, it's pretty baffling. I feel like I'm sort of in this mess trying to figure out the direction of my life.
One big transition. From the time I left Hawai'i, that fateful April 13, until who knows when, I'm sort of just doodling blind. Hands over the eyes, pen to the paper, and draw. Except those pictures end up being all the things I'm doing in my life. Then when it's all over, look at the picture and see where I went, what I did, and I can only hope it'll all make sense.
That magical end product.
It'd better be magical.
Speaking of magic, hoping for that Disneyland trip on June 12th! Crossing my fingers.
----
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
Ah, the perks of working part-time.
I'm not gonna lie, it's been a rough and tough 2 weeks, trying to figure out the name of this Council game and really grappling with my mixed feelings about my new-found employment. I kind of feel like everything I had envisioned myself doing in this time just didn't pan out because of my own decisions.
CHOICES. That's what life's all about, isn't it? Those, and then those things that come after them. Yeah, that. Consequences.
When it came down to it I chose convenience and instant gratification over the waiting game, because I'm sure that is how it would have been otherwise...or at least so I think I would LIKE to think.
But the latter half of this week has proven to be pretty fruitful. I know now that I can do this job well, and considering this is still a small and budding organization, there is still hope.
Kind of ironic, isn't it, how I wrote and gabbed all that stuff about the JA community, and suddenly I find myself thrown into the midst of everything I complained about? Maybe it's karma for my college-aged arrogance and audacity.
Maybe this'll teach me exactly what I need to learn to really know what I want the rest of my life...or at least for the next few years or so.
Little by little it's coming together, but I guess it always tends to work that way.
Then talking to supportive friendsies like Aya, Dok and Scott always is good for lifting spirits. YAY for friends, foreal.
Meanwhile, home life is dumb. Not in the "I hate my parents" kind of way at all...but more like, they're cutting open the walls to replace our pipes and the family decides to STAY HOME while this is all happening!
Dumb = from 7 am - 4 pm, everyday for 2 weeks, we have no use of any water in the house, so even on my day off, when I just want to stay home and SLEEP...I have to get out and find a place to use the damn bathroom. Not to mention brush my teeth and then otherwise just chill. Anyone want to volunteer their place?
K thanks.
Life just never stops with all of the things to ponder and figure out. It's a good thing most of the time, but sometimes, like now, it's pretty baffling. I feel like I'm sort of in this mess trying to figure out the direction of my life.
One big transition. From the time I left Hawai'i, that fateful April 13, until who knows when, I'm sort of just doodling blind. Hands over the eyes, pen to the paper, and draw. Except those pictures end up being all the things I'm doing in my life. Then when it's all over, look at the picture and see where I went, what I did, and I can only hope it'll all make sense.
That magical end product.
It'd better be magical.
Speaking of magic, hoping for that Disneyland trip on June 12th! Crossing my fingers.
----
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Catty
I want a lot for myself.
There's so much I can do if only given the chance, and I want to know that I can challenge myself instead of always taking the easy road out, and do whatEVER I focus my energy on and decide to do. Not only will I do it, but I'll own the shit out of it.
Leave a trail of fire in my wake.
It feels like my life is taking a bit of a detour from the road I had really hoped for, but everything happens for a reason and I am determined to make this all meld together beautifully. (i.e. more than "make it work.")
It's too early to feel the way I do, but I think it's only because I've been spoiled by 2 fun but somewhat complacent, years in Hawai'i.
I'll show them what I can do, if it's the last thing I ever do. And take my word for it, it won't be the last thing.
There's so much I can do if only given the chance, and I want to know that I can challenge myself instead of always taking the easy road out, and do whatEVER I focus my energy on and decide to do. Not only will I do it, but I'll own the shit out of it.
Leave a trail of fire in my wake.
It feels like my life is taking a bit of a detour from the road I had really hoped for, but everything happens for a reason and I am determined to make this all meld together beautifully. (i.e. more than "make it work.")
It's too early to feel the way I do, but I think it's only because I've been spoiled by 2 fun but somewhat complacent, years in Hawai'i.
I'll show them what I can do, if it's the last thing I ever do. And take my word for it, it won't be the last thing.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
From the other side
Two? Three? weeks later, and I've been home for quite a while now.
Reconnecting with folks, getting readjusted, trying to stay productive, seeking out a new job and niche in my new (old) city....it's definitely been a task of no easy measure, but I would say I'm slowly getting used to it all.
I always get the inevitable "Do you miss Hawaii?" question and of course the answer is yes. I miss my home, my friends, taiko, my sig other. And home feels so different now, presumably because I'm (a little) different now, it's almost like my third city of residence.
But, home IS still home, and I think the best part has been having close access to friends and family again. It's very comforting in a lot of ways, and in the time that I've been back in some ways I have a new appreciation for things.
And anyway, knowing I'll be back to visit (and work) for a few days is comforting. Seeing those most important to me will be so amazing, I can't even express my excitement.
Lots of things to figure out, in the way of, well, LIFE, but I guess that's just how it always goes. It'll be interesting to find out the answers to all of my questions.
Reconnecting with folks, getting readjusted, trying to stay productive, seeking out a new job and niche in my new (old) city....it's definitely been a task of no easy measure, but I would say I'm slowly getting used to it all.
I always get the inevitable "Do you miss Hawaii?" question and of course the answer is yes. I miss my home, my friends, taiko, my sig other. And home feels so different now, presumably because I'm (a little) different now, it's almost like my third city of residence.
But, home IS still home, and I think the best part has been having close access to friends and family again. It's very comforting in a lot of ways, and in the time that I've been back in some ways I have a new appreciation for things.
And anyway, knowing I'll be back to visit (and work) for a few days is comforting. Seeing those most important to me will be so amazing, I can't even express my excitement.
Lots of things to figure out, in the way of, well, LIFE, but I guess that's just how it always goes. It'll be interesting to find out the answers to all of my questions.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore....
It's strange, but the Wizard of Oz has been a source of inspiration lately.
Maybe that's because I feel like my time in Hawai'i has been one great adventure-filled dream.
Because oh my god, I can't believe I'm back in Los Angeles. I think it's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, and the sadness was intense. After saying goodbye to close friends and boyfriend, I wanted to cry so bad. And I did, while sitting at the gate by myself. I tweeted something to the effect of..."I can't remember the last time I was this sad," and it's true to its core. It was so much harder than I could've ever anticipated, and being home still feels bittersweet. I had to call Mom to take my mind off the self-pity.
Even after landing at LAX, thinking about Hawai'i life too much made me well up.
But boo hoo, I'm allowing myself to mope internally for a little while, and then back to business.
There is so much I want to do, despite missing everyone and BF. And maybe all the more, bury myself in whatever I need and want to do, to stop from feeling so sad about everything and everyone I left behind in Honolulu.
Like Kelsey said, change is good. And I think deep down inside I know what I have to do.
Only for the first time, being here at home, there's so much uncertainty. I was so sure, so certain, so confident, about everything I would do when I got back, but this move has definitely thrown me for a loop. It is going to be...an interesting year, to say the least. LSATs, law school plans, volunteer endeavors, the works. We'll see how it all goes, maybe the possibility is exciting, but it's all a little scary, too.
Looking towards my next visit to Honolulu, hopefully both in May and June, which would be ideal...and in May, excited to see Aya. It'll be some much needed girlfriend therapy, that's for sure.
Maybe like Dorothy, I'll realize that my Scarecrow, Tinman, and Lion were with me here at home all along.
Maybe that's because I feel like my time in Hawai'i has been one great adventure-filled dream.
Because oh my god, I can't believe I'm back in Los Angeles. I think it's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, and the sadness was intense. After saying goodbye to close friends and boyfriend, I wanted to cry so bad. And I did, while sitting at the gate by myself. I tweeted something to the effect of..."I can't remember the last time I was this sad," and it's true to its core. It was so much harder than I could've ever anticipated, and being home still feels bittersweet. I had to call Mom to take my mind off the self-pity.
Even after landing at LAX, thinking about Hawai'i life too much made me well up.
But boo hoo, I'm allowing myself to mope internally for a little while, and then back to business.
There is so much I want to do, despite missing everyone and BF. And maybe all the more, bury myself in whatever I need and want to do, to stop from feeling so sad about everything and everyone I left behind in Honolulu.
Like Kelsey said, change is good. And I think deep down inside I know what I have to do.
Only for the first time, being here at home, there's so much uncertainty. I was so sure, so certain, so confident, about everything I would do when I got back, but this move has definitely thrown me for a loop. It is going to be...an interesting year, to say the least. LSATs, law school plans, volunteer endeavors, the works. We'll see how it all goes, maybe the possibility is exciting, but it's all a little scary, too.
Looking towards my next visit to Honolulu, hopefully both in May and June, which would be ideal...and in May, excited to see Aya. It'll be some much needed girlfriend therapy, that's for sure.
Maybe like Dorothy, I'll realize that my Scarecrow, Tinman, and Lion were with me here at home all along.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Still Kickin'
I nearly forgot about this thing the past few months or so.
A lot of things have happened...my family came to visit, taiko's been getting busier for Sensei's 35th Anniversary, work has been nonexistent and so has the pay; I fell in love, met some more new taiko folks, became closer with old friends, and am now coming to terms with the end of my time here.
I think I've realized how independent I've become, so knowing that I'm moving home for a while is kind of hard to accept. How hard it will actually be only time will tell, but I'm pretty sure, gauging from my 3 week holiday home-time vacations, that it will be HARD.
I know most blogs are inherently selfish and self-centered (I this, I that, me me me me me); the movie Julie & Julia helped me see that (I highly recommend the flick for anyone who hasn't seen it), but this entry will probably be one of the more self-involved contributions.
Having started a relationship here already gives me a lot to think about in terms of being back in LA, but more than that, I only realized today how COMFORTABLE I've become here. Just like in those movies...you know when you've blended into a new area or neighborhood when your neighbors start acknowledging you. Like, you're a local now, foreal. Except I'm leaving again in roughly 3 weeks.
I guess life can be good that way while we're young -- just when you get comfortable or start to get complacent...MOVE ON. That's what I'm doing...and that's probably what will happen back in LA up until I actually start attending law school. It keeps life exciting, unpredictable, new, fresh.
I suppose though, life can't be fresh forever.
Or maybe it can, just in a different way.
All of the goodbye events have started to happen - the goodbye BBQ, the last karaoke outing, and soon, the VERY last parties and farewells. Little by little it's sinking in. The logistics of moving are going to be the biggest pain, and I haven't even started on that...probably because I just don't feel absolutely ready to fully accept that I'm going to be gone from here. Forever. Mmm or to be less dramatic, just will never be here in the same way again.
Hawai'i will always be my second home, though, there's no doubt about that. When I leave here I'll be leaving a piece of myself behind, the piece I'll have to come back and reclaim whenever I come to visit.
It's been a beautiful 2 years, so I can't complain. It's just so bittersweet, I could cry just thinking about having to board that plane and head home for good.
The great news is some of my friends here may make it over to the Cali area...so that should be exciting.
And of course, LA is my element. The people, the places, the FOOD....
I'm just afraid I'll be a stranger in my own hometown. I guess that's inevitable at first, but it shouldn't take too long to become reacquainted, mainly with friends. There's still so much to do and so much to see.
A lot of things have happened...my family came to visit, taiko's been getting busier for Sensei's 35th Anniversary, work has been nonexistent and so has the pay; I fell in love, met some more new taiko folks, became closer with old friends, and am now coming to terms with the end of my time here.
I think I've realized how independent I've become, so knowing that I'm moving home for a while is kind of hard to accept. How hard it will actually be only time will tell, but I'm pretty sure, gauging from my 3 week holiday home-time vacations, that it will be HARD.
I know most blogs are inherently selfish and self-centered (I this, I that, me me me me me); the movie Julie & Julia helped me see that (I highly recommend the flick for anyone who hasn't seen it), but this entry will probably be one of the more self-involved contributions.
Having started a relationship here already gives me a lot to think about in terms of being back in LA, but more than that, I only realized today how COMFORTABLE I've become here. Just like in those movies...you know when you've blended into a new area or neighborhood when your neighbors start acknowledging you. Like, you're a local now, foreal. Except I'm leaving again in roughly 3 weeks.
I guess life can be good that way while we're young -- just when you get comfortable or start to get complacent...MOVE ON. That's what I'm doing...and that's probably what will happen back in LA up until I actually start attending law school. It keeps life exciting, unpredictable, new, fresh.
I suppose though, life can't be fresh forever.
Or maybe it can, just in a different way.
All of the goodbye events have started to happen - the goodbye BBQ, the last karaoke outing, and soon, the VERY last parties and farewells. Little by little it's sinking in. The logistics of moving are going to be the biggest pain, and I haven't even started on that...probably because I just don't feel absolutely ready to fully accept that I'm going to be gone from here. Forever. Mmm or to be less dramatic, just will never be here in the same way again.
Hawai'i will always be my second home, though, there's no doubt about that. When I leave here I'll be leaving a piece of myself behind, the piece I'll have to come back and reclaim whenever I come to visit.
It's been a beautiful 2 years, so I can't complain. It's just so bittersweet, I could cry just thinking about having to board that plane and head home for good.
The great news is some of my friends here may make it over to the Cali area...so that should be exciting.
And of course, LA is my element. The people, the places, the FOOD....
I'm just afraid I'll be a stranger in my own hometown. I guess that's inevitable at first, but it shouldn't take too long to become reacquainted, mainly with friends. There's still so much to do and so much to see.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Chaos
Too much happening now, in this world, is disheartening proof of how fucked up people really are.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Still a tribute.
Shero-hero had to be changed on request, but I thought the blog could use a small change anyway. I'm not HTML-smart enough to revolutionize the blog completely, but so it goes.
So it's been an interesting weekend, without a doubt.
Chile and the 8.8 -- my thoughts and condolences are with them. But it led to a severe tsunami scare out here on the islands. I mean, Hawai'i gets a lot of tsunami warnings, but it's rarely so bad that they actually close down local shops and businesses, college campuses, and even roads closest to the coast. We really thought we were in for something serious. The streets and beaches were completely emptied out, some families in inundated areas evacuated. I was stuck here at home, waking up Saturday morning with Dok to tsunami warning sirens. We were basically trapped at home all morning and into the early afternoon, watching the local news for the latest, waiting for the tsunami to hit. Waves were projected to be at least 6 feet tall, hit Hilo, Big Island first, and then make its way over to us.
Long story short, we watched and waited until 11:04 am, when the first waves were supposed to start arriving, but they were at least an hour late. We watched the ocean recede, particularly over a patch of coral reef - this is a sure indication of an arriving tsunami - and then it turned out the waves were only 3 feet high. Grrrreat.
Then the islands are all "oh yay, at least we were prepared for a great disaster in case it came." Uh, tourists were evacuated to the tops of hotels for goodness' sakes. I HOPE that would've worked if the waves were high enough.
Anyhow, of course just happy and relieved that everyone is safe and nothing happened to us. It was scary there, for like 12 hours. Good job Hawai'i, for giving me a memorable weekend, or something like that.
Meanwhile, April 13 looms ever closer. Eek!
So it's been an interesting weekend, without a doubt.
Chile and the 8.8 -- my thoughts and condolences are with them. But it led to a severe tsunami scare out here on the islands. I mean, Hawai'i gets a lot of tsunami warnings, but it's rarely so bad that they actually close down local shops and businesses, college campuses, and even roads closest to the coast. We really thought we were in for something serious. The streets and beaches were completely emptied out, some families in inundated areas evacuated. I was stuck here at home, waking up Saturday morning with Dok to tsunami warning sirens. We were basically trapped at home all morning and into the early afternoon, watching the local news for the latest, waiting for the tsunami to hit. Waves were projected to be at least 6 feet tall, hit Hilo, Big Island first, and then make its way over to us.
Long story short, we watched and waited until 11:04 am, when the first waves were supposed to start arriving, but they were at least an hour late. We watched the ocean recede, particularly over a patch of coral reef - this is a sure indication of an arriving tsunami - and then it turned out the waves were only 3 feet high. Grrrreat.
Then the islands are all "oh yay, at least we were prepared for a great disaster in case it came." Uh, tourists were evacuated to the tops of hotels for goodness' sakes. I HOPE that would've worked if the waves were high enough.
Anyhow, of course just happy and relieved that everyone is safe and nothing happened to us. It was scary there, for like 12 hours. Good job Hawai'i, for giving me a memorable weekend, or something like that.
Meanwhile, April 13 looms ever closer. Eek!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Hawaiian Sovereignty?
I've been in Hawai'i for exactly a year and a half now - 18 months - and being here on Oahu kind of threw my race-gender-sexuality-class lens for a loop because everything was so different from the frameworks in LA I had become so used to in college organizing.
For a while, I thought, okay, maybe things here are a little more color blind - it's definitely not a good thing, but overall, unless you're white, there are so many mixed race people that there are few who identify solely with one community, whether political or racial or both.
I've mentioned it somewhere before, but there are so many "racial" or "racist", aka non-PC, terms being thrown around in everyday colloquial conversation - it's even deeply embedded in pidgin vocabulary.
But then Andy said something to me a couple of months back, and it started a new perspective on the particular nature of race issues here. All he said was, "Hawai'i is the MOST racist state."
I don't think it's the MOST racist, but I did realize, this place is not colorblind, it's the OTHER end of the "bad" spectrum! Totally racist.
And then everything looked a little different. Maybe even made more sense.
There are negative stereotypes being used, enforced, perpetuated everyday, and there is one for every race on the island. Japanese, including Okinawan; Chinese, Korean, Micronesian, Polynesian - specifically Samoan, Tongan and Native Hawaiian; African American, Puerto Rican, White, Filipino...the list goes on and on. White is at the bottom of this hierarchy, but each one has an equally, if not more, negative trait attached to it. There's some sort of derogatory term for each, and if you fit in somewhere, of course there's a list of characteristics that are instantly assumed about you, as stereotypes often go.
The same goes for sexuality -- gay, lesbian, transgender, transsexual -- although generally liberal and to some, "laid-back," Hawaii is behind in the way of progressivism and political empowerment for the Queer community. Very heteronormative, if you will, even though there is a large and oftentimes visible Mahu community that resides here.
Of course this applies to some parts of LA/California and definitely parts of the greater mid-West, but for a West Coast state, it's kind of surprising.
Granted, maybe I shouldn't be speaking for all of Hawai'i or even all of Oahu, because my experiences are isolated to, well, MY experiences, but this is sort of how it's all come together for me so far.
Then there comes news of Senator Akaka's Hawaiian Government Reorganization Act, a bill that recently passed the House!
I'm only educated on the very periphery of this issue, but it sounds promising. Both the issue and the bill, of course, are very divisive and controversial because of notions and stereotypes of the Native Hawaiian community, but I think it's amazing that the bill itself has even gotten this far, and that the issue is getting this kind of visibility now.
I only got about halfway through, but I liked what I read so far. It may be a little iffy in the way of identifying who will actually benefit from this since so many people will try and stake some claim; although there are standards, some who shouldn't benefit probably will...but legislation is always hard to really narrow, and inevitably is open for interpretation somewhere.
How amazing would this be for this community? Don't know if it'll pass the Senate, but it's a start. And if it does pass, Obama will sign!
Anyway, there's always tons to learn here. I will miss the islands so much!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Your poop.
I tried to embed it, but unfortunately the picture is too large for this format! What a shame.
Anyway, here's the link:
Friday, February 5, 2010
The Cove
Aichan, a friend from taiko, lent me the DVD for this film. It was kind of out of nowhere, and I had never heard of the film before she mentioned it. I approached it with some caution, but without much consideration.As a very basic synopsis, a group of oceanic preservation activists discover that a fishing village in Japan called Taiji is killing over 20,000 dolphins a year. Some are sold to the multi-billion dollar "Sea World"-type industry, and the rest are slaughtered for meat. A particular group of activists actually breached the high security "Cove" where dolphins are grouped together, trapped, and killed, got it all on HD film, and created this movie with the purpose of stopping this cruel and gratuitous act.
So I thought, alright, a "save the dolphins!" kind of a movie. Big deal. I mean, sure, Hayden Panettiere took on this cause some months back and nobody took her OR the cause seriously then either. It just sounded like a whole bunch of ocean hippies trying to save the "intelligent beings" that are dolphins, because they're cute and happy and blah blah blah.
But I watched the film and I was, I have to say, completely overcome and shocked at the issue itself. There's a lot of cover-up by the Japanese government, the fishermen (and politicians!) who are making millions off of these dolphins couldn't be any shadier, and the whole situation is absolutely ridiculous. Basically Taiji fishermen are the bad guys, and even the folks in neighboring Tokyo have no idea that dolphins are being sold or killed. To make matters worse, dolphin meat is being slipped into "whale meat" packaging and people are unknowingly consuming the mercury-filled, toxic product.
After a day of thought, this film became blog-worthy because there's so much to think about. Too much to cover completely -- you'll have to see for yourself -- but I'm going to take a shot at a few points.
First off, the color lens. At first look, this totally looks like White ocean preservation activists vs. Japanese fishermen. It's totally a West vs. East thing, because the group that is trying to stop the dolphin killing is entirely comprised of white scientists, divers, surfers, technicians and so on. And of course, they're taking on the folks of Taiji who are trying to stop intruders from entering their village.
But okay, that's only at first look. The film could have included some people of color sure, to speak for their cause, but it also did a good job of making sure the issue at hand stood out more than the issue of race (at least for me; I would concede that this is an arguable point). So it didn't become a "all Japanese are bad" kind of thing, but rather, the fishermen who are committing this crime and the higher-ups who are condoning this action are to blame. This category is always complicated, so I won't go any further into that.
Secondly, there is a cultural issue at hand here. The Cove also mentions that the Japanese have become increasingly resistant to the West trying to tell them what to do -- it all started with the prohibition of whaling back in 1986, and Japan was very unhappy when they had to stop killing whales. Dolphins have now taken their place, and Japan doesn't want to listen to anyone about that either. If things went their way, Japan would be able to continue whaling, but almost just because they're being told by other countries, namely the West, that they can't do it anymore. It's this "Empire" state of mind, and not the Jay-Z kind. The Empire of Japan and its indignant attitude is misplaced on this particular issue, and dolphins are needlessly being killed off for it. Just a casualty, if you will, of that complicated facet of Japanese culture.
Thirdly, more bureaucratic bullshit from the International Whaling Committee, which gathers representatives from all over the world and is supposed to hold countries accountable for this kind of a thing. Of course, Japan representatives are trying to justify their dolphin slaughtering practices with faulty scientific evidence about fish preservation, but it's obvious that fish are disappearing from the oceans because of people, not because of an overabundance of dolphins. And then all the rest of the representatives do is sit around in a large conference room and talk about how Japan is wrong, but nobody really does anything about ANYTHING. To make matters worse, Japan pays off other, poorer countries, like Laos, Cambodia, and Dominica, to support their cause on the Committee, making it difficult for the rest of the committee to pressure Japan to stop their practices.
Every rich, developed country has its dirty secrets. Just one more exposed in this film.
With the Academy Award nomination, I hope this film gets the kind of coverage it deserves. I also hope that more younger generation Japanese are able to jump on this cause. I never thought I'd be writing about an issue like this, but I think this film is done so well that it needs to be put out there.
Go rent the DVD and see if for yourself. Then visit the website here for more information.
I wouldn't have taken the time to blog about this if I didn't think it worthy. Hope I can convince folks to just take a look. The footage is incredibly disturbing and, as Aichan said, "brutal," but I think it's a must see. With any issue, awareness is a first step. So this is my first action. We'll see where it goes from there.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Ruth Wilson Gilmore
When the capacities resulting from purposeful action are combined toward ends greater than mission statements or other provisional limits, powerful alignments begin to shake the ground. In other words, movement happens.
-- Ruth Wilson Gilmore, Golden Gulag
I am so proud of myself for finally finishing the book. I had bought this (and blogged about it) MONTHS ago, but only this week had the time to dedicate to complete it. Totally worth it. I now have a better understanding of the rise of prisons in California, and the movements to stop the "cages" and dehumanization of poor people of color.
I also just bought Saul Alinsky's Rules for Radicals so that was good incentive to get through this one before starting that one.
Started to look for job possibilities in the nonprofit sector yesterday, and although there are definitely options in LA, trying to find the right fit is the key. When it comes down to it, of course I'm not going to be picky, but something part-time will do, since summertime will be dedicated to LSATs and applications.
Reading GG made me recall though, that these folks organize because they have to. These are issues and happenings that directly affect them and their communities - it's action out of necessity. Gilmore sums it up perfectly:
Most of those fighting in the trenches have little time for activism motivated solely by abstract political or ethical rhetoric. Rather, they are fighting for their lives, their families, and their communities. The remedy for cumulative negative impacts must be bigger and more compelling than a simple technocratic fix. A principled sense of mortal urgency gets grassroots activists to go to meetings, makes them board buses, and inspires hope.
So who am I, with my privileged, activist self? What do I have to fight for in my own community? To be honest, I can't think of much. My issues with the Japanese American community stem from a lack of connection in general; for a long time I've felt like I've had trouble relating, whether it's because of generational or life experiential differences.
Instead I've found my calling with other communities in need of other types of help, but it can often be difficult to truly be a part of those efforts because I am not directly affected by some of the grievances being addressed.
In any case, there will always be a million questions about the world, society, and the world of grassroots activism and organizing. Speaking of my shero, I guess it really will be nice to be in LA and talk to those who give me the inspiration to continue.
Bittersweet though, leaving Hawaii, and I can't believe how much time has passed. But I know what needs to be done, and I have to admit, am excited for the possibilities of the next chapter the year will bring.
On to Alinsky!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Helpful.
"As an organizer I start from where the world is, as it as, not as I would like it to be. That we accept the world as it is does not in any sense weaken our desire to change it into what we believe it should be--it is necessary to begin where the world is if we are going to change it to what we think it should be. That means working in the system." Alinsky, Saul D. Rules for Radicals
Thanks to Alex for the reads. Quote from here
Thanks to Alex for the reads. Quote from here
Thursday, January 14, 2010
whoa whoa whoa, say what?
Armed with my secret weapon to go into law school and kick ass, or so I thought.
Reading something that will remain unnamed, and I have to admit, I'm not even in law school and I'm already caught up in the need for prestige, for high pay, for status.
All of the things that my personal politics have been resisting for years now.
It's a bad idea to tell everyone you want to go to law school. Right now it's more like, "I've thought about it, but I haven't decided yet." But of course the ones who want to hear it as a final decision (mom and dad and andy) will tell everyone you're law school bound and they can't wait until you've become a prestigious lawyer at a great law firm.
Whatever that means.
All of my just and socially conscious reasons for wanting to entering the field of Law have just been stomped on. Directly and explicitly, by this source.
And okay, I won't and shouldn't take it THAT seriously, because there are great attorneys out there doing great work. If I do well in law school, then sure, I'll have options, but maybe that won't be as necessary because the law school student demand for entering Public Interest Law is so low. To quote the book, "This usually involves working for a non-profit corporation, at relatively low pay. In general, it doesn't get much respect...because of the low pay. Usually, those who graduated at the top of the class don't bother to apply for such jobs."
That, and on the part about the types of law to enter, of course PIL has the shortest description at a whopping 1/5 of a page paragraph. What a stressful read.
I understand my impending dilemma a little more clearly now. So what to do?
Hell if I know.
Frankly, my confidence is a little shaken, in entering law school, but at the same time, maybe having read this secret weapon is exactly what I need to be able to succeed where necessary.
Deep down, I'm conflicted, sure, but I think I really need to do this. For myself now, first and foremost.
Let's just hope the year and a half or so I have before law school presumably starts will be just what I need to survive - academically, socially, mentally, politically, and spiritually.
I have a headache and now it is definitely time for bed. (Oh yeah, and happy new year to you, bloggy blog)
Reading something that will remain unnamed, and I have to admit, I'm not even in law school and I'm already caught up in the need for prestige, for high pay, for status.
All of the things that my personal politics have been resisting for years now.
It's a bad idea to tell everyone you want to go to law school. Right now it's more like, "I've thought about it, but I haven't decided yet." But of course the ones who want to hear it as a final decision (mom and dad and andy) will tell everyone you're law school bound and they can't wait until you've become a prestigious lawyer at a great law firm.
Whatever that means.
All of my just and socially conscious reasons for wanting to entering the field of Law have just been stomped on. Directly and explicitly, by this source.
And okay, I won't and shouldn't take it THAT seriously, because there are great attorneys out there doing great work. If I do well in law school, then sure, I'll have options, but maybe that won't be as necessary because the law school student demand for entering Public Interest Law is so low. To quote the book, "This usually involves working for a non-profit corporation, at relatively low pay. In general, it doesn't get much respect...because of the low pay. Usually, those who graduated at the top of the class don't bother to apply for such jobs."
That, and on the part about the types of law to enter, of course PIL has the shortest description at a whopping 1/5 of a page paragraph. What a stressful read.
I understand my impending dilemma a little more clearly now. So what to do?
Hell if I know.
Frankly, my confidence is a little shaken, in entering law school, but at the same time, maybe having read this secret weapon is exactly what I need to be able to succeed where necessary.
Deep down, I'm conflicted, sure, but I think I really need to do this. For myself now, first and foremost.
Let's just hope the year and a half or so I have before law school presumably starts will be just what I need to survive - academically, socially, mentally, politically, and spiritually.
I have a headache and now it is definitely time for bed. (Oh yeah, and happy new year to you, bloggy blog)
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